I'm going to warn all readers now that this is a rant. I'm also going to be talking about some things that are hard to talk about and it is not my intention to insult, hurt, or burden.
I am currently pregnant, due with my third boy in December. I don't like attention, especially when I'm pregnant, but somehow I am yet the blinding beacon wherever I go and all anyone can talk with me about is my pregnancy.
And I HATE IT!
There is so much more to me than motherhood and pregnancy. If there wasn't then I don't know how I ever made friends or met and married FATMAN before becoming a mother. I wish people would just stop seeing me as "pregnant" or "mother".
Especially since people seem to think they can just say and do whatever they want without thinking about the hurt they may cause. There are many trials that pregnant women go through without anyone else's input or comments. (Then again we women in general go through so much without anyone else's input or comments, but that's a different post.) I've been holding in my anger, hurt, and frustration for far too long.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I yearned for a girl. Not because I'm already out numbered or because I want to do all the girly things (God knows I'm not that kind of female). I wanted a girl because I wanted something different. That's all. Just something a little different. So when I saw that baby #3 is a boy, yes, I was devastated and heartbroken, because I had let my hopes up. Later that same day, when I announced the gender, I can't tell you how many times people commented with "He will be just as loved." OF COURSE HE WILL BE LOVED! It's not like I'm going to give him away or get rid of him just because he's a boy! I prayed and prayed and prayed for this child for a year! A YEAR! My other two pregnancies happened so fast that I was starting to get scared that I wouldn't be able to have any more of my own. And that fear became even more so after I miscarried. So yes, he will be loved, but there was no need to say that. That comment (which I still get today) has hurt the most.
The other comment that has hurt more than others is "You can always try again" or "Your next one will be a girl." People hear me out hear me now: IF I get pregnant again is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! My sex life is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Where your business and pregnancy are a common concern is with your own body. Stop meddling where you aren't to be meddling. Do you know how much heartache I went through month after month with each test? When you try for something and things don't go "according to plan," you get sad. When things don't go "according to plan" time and time again, you get depressed, angry, scared, anxious, worried, and, most of all, hurt. My heart broke each month when I was "late" and the test came back negative. I can not go through that heartache again. But me getting pregnant is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! So stay out of it!
"At least you're all set on clothes." No, actually. I'm not. For two main reasons. When we moved from Wyoming to Utah, we got rid of a lot of unnecessary items, including most baby items and clothes. We didn't need them at the time so we donated or sold what we weren't using to make room in the truck and to make more room in our new home. A lot of baby items are not collapsible and take up a lot of space that can be used more wisely, including boxes of baby clothes. Also, my other sons are summer babies. This one is going to be a winter baby. Even if I did still have all of those clothes, they would be the wrong kind. Too cold in the winter and too warm in the summer.
There have also been so many comments on how tiny I am. Some of them have been made in awe, some in jealousy, but most in unbelief and almost concern. Yes, I have been able to stay fit and not put on as much weight (so far) in this pregnancy. I was in a musical this summer, starting rehearsals right after I got the positive tests. I was dancing, walking, and working out all summer (with caution). Even with my first pregnancy, I ballooned and looked pregnant from early on and put on a lot of weight. I am so happy and proud that I have been able to keep my weight gain under control this time around and that I am small. BUT what so many don't understand is that because I haven't put on as much weight this time around, I have other physical issues. My body hurts even more this pregnancy, because my belly is all baby and my belly is heavy. My belly pulls in all directions and hurts my ribs, hips, and back. It feels like I'm carrying around a 20 lb medicine ball all day, every day. I move slower and slower every day, it's hard to get up off the couch or a chair or out of bed, and I have the worse case of acid reflux. I had heart burn with my other two boys, but this is so much worse and it will only get worse until after the baby comes.
And while we are talking about physical things, DO NOT TOUCH A PREGNANT BELLY! If you didn't put it there, you do not touch. Don't even ask. Don't even think about it. Just. Don't. It's awkward enough that we have to carry around this big heavy belly, don't make it more awkward by touching.
Honestly, there is so much more I want to talk about but I feel like I'd get nowhere. Please keep all comments to yourself, even if they are well intended. You have no idea how your comment may come across because you don't know the whole story.
One last topic. Pregnancy is a very touchy subject because so many women struggle. I am guilty of saying some thoughtless comments myself and I can't take them back. Before saying anything to anyone about pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, fertility, etc., please stop and don't say it. Better to be a silent supporter or comforter, than one more person who said something without thinking. Every pregnancy is different. Every miscarriage is different. Every story is different. Don't assume that you know the right thing to say.
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
September 26, 2019
February 8, 2018
When a TV Show Speaks to You
Yesterday I was watching one of my new favorite shows on Netflix before my toddler woke up in the morning. The show is "One Day At a Time". It's about a Cuban-American family and their struggles. It's a comedy, but it also talks about serious issues seriously. Season two was recently added and I've been enjoying it just as much as season one.
Then I watched Season 2 Episode 9 yesterday.
It's been a long time since an episode of a TV show spoke to me and made me feel like it was talking about me.
As I have talked about in the past, I have PTS from giving birth. I was put on medication to help. And it did help! Four months (or so) ago, my prescription ran out. And I chose not to renew it. The first month was the worse! I was irritated, felt sick, and emotional over everything all the time. Then my hormones seemed to balance out.
But I'm still irritated all the time and a lot of days I just want to go back to bed. I don't want to do a lot of things that I used to do. I don't feel like a good mom because I feel like I'm always getting after them and not loving them as much as I should. I get mad at every small inconvenience or "stupid" or "wrong" thing my husband has done (or something he hasn't done that he "should have"). Basically, I feel like I'm more mad and frustrated with everything than happy and enjoying life.
Season 2 Episode 9 is about PTS and going off medication (so she didn't have to keep it a secret anymore). The irritation, sickness, and lowness that Justina Machado portrayed is so true it hurts. Her character snapped and yelled at her best friend, stood up her boyfriend and his parents, and other things because she had gone off her medication and was reverting back to who she was before the meds and after her military service.
It was an eye opener to me. Lately I've been wondering why I was so mad at my life and everyone in it. Yes there are those who have done or said something that is worthy of me being mad at, but my kids not getting along or not listening to me shouldn't make me see red every time. After thinking about it all day yesterday and sleeping on it, I think I need to talk to my doctor about going back on my meds. I don't want to be on them all the time, but one line that was said in the episode has stuck with me ever since I watched it: "[It's] something you don't want that you have to have for the rest of [your life]." I think I need help, even though I don't want it.
Then I watched Season 2 Episode 9 yesterday.
It's been a long time since an episode of a TV show spoke to me and made me feel like it was talking about me.
As I have talked about in the past, I have PTS from giving birth. I was put on medication to help. And it did help! Four months (or so) ago, my prescription ran out. And I chose not to renew it. The first month was the worse! I was irritated, felt sick, and emotional over everything all the time. Then my hormones seemed to balance out.
But I'm still irritated all the time and a lot of days I just want to go back to bed. I don't want to do a lot of things that I used to do. I don't feel like a good mom because I feel like I'm always getting after them and not loving them as much as I should. I get mad at every small inconvenience or "stupid" or "wrong" thing my husband has done (or something he hasn't done that he "should have"). Basically, I feel like I'm more mad and frustrated with everything than happy and enjoying life.
Season 2 Episode 9 is about PTS and going off medication (so she didn't have to keep it a secret anymore). The irritation, sickness, and lowness that Justina Machado portrayed is so true it hurts. Her character snapped and yelled at her best friend, stood up her boyfriend and his parents, and other things because she had gone off her medication and was reverting back to who she was before the meds and after her military service.
It was an eye opener to me. Lately I've been wondering why I was so mad at my life and everyone in it. Yes there are those who have done or said something that is worthy of me being mad at, but my kids not getting along or not listening to me shouldn't make me see red every time. After thinking about it all day yesterday and sleeping on it, I think I need to talk to my doctor about going back on my meds. I don't want to be on them all the time, but one line that was said in the episode has stuck with me ever since I watched it: "[It's] something you don't want that you have to have for the rest of [your life]." I think I need help, even though I don't want it.
August 7, 2017
Early Morning Thoughts on the Couch
As I'm laying here on the couch early in the morning, yet again, all by myself, I can help but have the following thoughts:
I miss this.
I miss being able to watch whatever I want whenever I want.
I miss being able to wake up on my own without any crying or screaming.
I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.
I miss not worrying about two littles.
I miss not being in so much debt from creating littles that don't even look like me!
I miss being comfortable.
I miss sleeping the morning away.
I miss going to sleep at night and not being woken up by a little hand smacking my face.
I miss not being a mom.
But then I walk down the hall to wake up Squid. As I open the door and see that he's awake, I can't help but crawl into his tiny bed and snuggle with him as he tells me about his dreams and have the following thoughts:
I missed you.
I missed playing with you all day long.
I missed helping you get food, get dressed, etc.
I missed holding you in my arms.
I missed telling stories with you.
I missed doing puzzles with you.
I missed chasing you around the couch/house just for fun.
I miss your brother Kickboxer.
I missed being a mom.
Motherhood is so weird. You hate being a mom and being responsible for two littles and can't wait until they are in bed so you can have a minute to yourself. But as soon as you get a moment to yourself, you miss those littles and just want them with you all the time.
I miss this.
I miss being able to watch whatever I want whenever I want.
I miss being able to wake up on my own without any crying or screaming.
I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.
I miss not worrying about two littles.
I miss not being in so much debt from creating littles that don't even look like me!
I miss being comfortable.
I miss sleeping the morning away.
I miss going to sleep at night and not being woken up by a little hand smacking my face.
I miss not being a mom.
But then I walk down the hall to wake up Squid. As I open the door and see that he's awake, I can't help but crawl into his tiny bed and snuggle with him as he tells me about his dreams and have the following thoughts:
I missed you.
I missed playing with you all day long.
I missed helping you get food, get dressed, etc.
I missed holding you in my arms.
I missed telling stories with you.
I missed doing puzzles with you.
I missed chasing you around the couch/house just for fun.
I miss your brother Kickboxer.
I missed being a mom.
Motherhood is so weird. You hate being a mom and being responsible for two littles and can't wait until they are in bed so you can have a minute to yourself. But as soon as you get a moment to yourself, you miss those littles and just want them with you all the time.
December 17, 2016
Dear Lady Who Skinny Shamed Me
The other day I was out in public and was stopped by a women who said, "There's something wrong here." I looked around to make sure I had everything and I could see nothing "wrong". After I looked back at her confused, she continued and said, "You shouldn't look that good right after giving birth. It's just not right." She may have meant it as a compliment, but it sure as heck did not come across as one. She was not the first to comment on how well I look but the way that she said it left me feeling sick and frustrated.
Dear lady who skinny shamed me,
Thank you for noticing me and feeling like you needed to make a comment. However, what you said was a harsh, back-handed compliment and you should have thought about what you said before saying it.
There is nothing "wrong" with me. So what if I've lost almost all of the baby weight two months after giving birth? What business is it of yours?
You have no idea what I felt like when I was pregnant. You have no idea how uncomfortable I was in my pregnant body. You have no idea how much I am negative about my appearance, especially during and after pregnancy.
Did you know that I had no tearing during delivery? Did you know I was given permission by my doctor to start working out as soon as I felt up to it? No, you didn't! Why? Because you didn't ask how I was. You didn't even sign up or offer to help me after I got home from the hospital. In fact, all you have said to me after delivery is that there is "something wrong" with how good I look after delivery.
About 90% of the weight I gained while pregnant was all baby. I got sick with food poisoning about halfway through my pregnancy and lost a lot of the extra weight I had gained at that point. Then afterwards, I tried to eat healthy and do whatever exercise I could manage to help me not gain too much weight. So after delivery, I didn't have a ton of weight to lose, mostly just loose skin to tighten. After a few weeks, I was finally getting the energy to work out and Kickboxer was on a schedule where I found the time to get in a ten minute work out and start feeling more comfortable in my skin again.
I'm still not where I want to be. I still have a pouch. I can still see many of my stretch marks. My butt and thighs are bigger than I wish they were. I have love handles. And I still have loose skin. But I am working on it, because I want to feel like me again. I want to feel comfortable in my body again.
I'm not working out because I am vain. I'm not working out for my husband. I'm working out for me. I want to better myself. And if wanting to better myself and feel comfortable is what's "wrong" with me, you need to reevaluate your life and what you think "right" and "wrong" is.
So, thank you for noticing me, but no thank you.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Dear lady who skinny shamed me,
Thank you for noticing me and feeling like you needed to make a comment. However, what you said was a harsh, back-handed compliment and you should have thought about what you said before saying it.
There is nothing "wrong" with me. So what if I've lost almost all of the baby weight two months after giving birth? What business is it of yours?
You have no idea what I felt like when I was pregnant. You have no idea how uncomfortable I was in my pregnant body. You have no idea how much I am negative about my appearance, especially during and after pregnancy.
Did you know that I had no tearing during delivery? Did you know I was given permission by my doctor to start working out as soon as I felt up to it? No, you didn't! Why? Because you didn't ask how I was. You didn't even sign up or offer to help me after I got home from the hospital. In fact, all you have said to me after delivery is that there is "something wrong" with how good I look after delivery.
About 90% of the weight I gained while pregnant was all baby. I got sick with food poisoning about halfway through my pregnancy and lost a lot of the extra weight I had gained at that point. Then afterwards, I tried to eat healthy and do whatever exercise I could manage to help me not gain too much weight. So after delivery, I didn't have a ton of weight to lose, mostly just loose skin to tighten. After a few weeks, I was finally getting the energy to work out and Kickboxer was on a schedule where I found the time to get in a ten minute work out and start feeling more comfortable in my skin again.
I'm still not where I want to be. I still have a pouch. I can still see many of my stretch marks. My butt and thighs are bigger than I wish they were. I have love handles. And I still have loose skin. But I am working on it, because I want to feel like me again. I want to feel comfortable in my body again.
I'm not working out because I am vain. I'm not working out for my husband. I'm working out for me. I want to better myself. And if wanting to better myself and feel comfortable is what's "wrong" with me, you need to reevaluate your life and what you think "right" and "wrong" is.
So, thank you for noticing me, but no thank you.
Sincerely,
Sarah
December 5, 2016
Today Was a Bad Day
Today was a bad day.
Today I almost didn't get out of bed.
Today I yelled at my kids.
Today I was exhausted beyond belief from lack of sleep.
Today I was exhausted beyond belief from lack of sleep.
Today I sat on the couch and played on my phone.
Today I didn't want to hold my baby.
Today I had thoughts that I am ashamed of.
Today I didn't care if my toddler threw a fit.
Today I just let my baby scream.
Today I wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed.
Today I felt nothing.
Today I felt anger.
Today I just wanted to scream.
Today I have barely eaten.
Today I have barely eaten.
Today I didn't want to be a mom.
Today I wanted my old life.
Today I wanted to run away.
Today I hid myself.
Today I didn't care about anything.
Today I cried.
Today my demons got the better of me.
Today was a bad day.
But tomorrow is a new day!
Tomorrow I have the chance to be better than I was today.
Tomorrow can be completely different.
Tomorrow hasn't been stained with negativity yet.
Tomorrow is a clean slate.
Tomorrow is a new chance.
Tomorrow could be a good day.
Tomorrow could be a great day!
Tomorrow I could defeat my demons.
Tomorrow I could be happy.
Tomorrow is a new day.
As you know, I recently gave birth to my second son. And as many of you know, with my first son I got hit with a mild case of postpartum depression when he turned 8 months old. I wish I could say the same thing again, but I'd be lying. This time around it's hit me much earlier and harder. But this time around I have gotten help sooner. I still have my bad days, but I can handle them a little bit easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that if today is a bad day, if yesterday was a bad day, if I've had many bad days in a row, tomorrow is a new day to try again.
October 12, 2016
A Blessing Amid Chaos
Baby Kickboxer has made his debut! He's about three weeks old and FATMAN! and I are absolutely in love with him. Though he has warmed up to a baby being in the house, Squid still doesn't fully know what to think about Kickboxer or being a big brother.
But the way that Kickboxer made his debut is one for the books. If I hadn't been there and witnessed it myself, I wouldn't believe it happened like this.
First, a little back story: My labor and delivery with the Squid was quite easy, typical, and had very little problems. I was able to labor through the contractions with breathing techniques and relaxing in the tub. I did not get an epidural (but I was asking for it at the end when it was too late). I had to have my waters broken by the doctor. Squid decided to start coming before I was fully dilated and I ended up pushing for two hours. I tore a little bit and needed 4 stitches. For it being my first labor and delivery, it was good and much better than I expected it to be.
My labor and delivery with Kickboxer was completely different. It was hard. It was ugly.
My water broke at 3 am when I rolled over in bed after FATMAN! bumped me when he rolled over. I immediately sat up getting my bed all wet and woke FATMAN! up then jumped to action to get everything together and ready to go to the hospital. As soon as the sitter arrived to stay with Squid until my parents arrived, FATMAN! and I were off.
As soon as we got to my room and somewhat settled, I was told my water had indeed broken (they tested just to be sure) and that I was only dilated 1 cm. It was going to be a while before Kickboxer arrived. Both FATMAN! and I did our best to relax and rest while contractions started and progressed. By the time the nurses rotated 3 hours after we arrived, I was dilated to 3 cm and my contractions were all over the place.
My new nurse suggested I lay on my side to help move contractions along. So I did... and my contractions sure did come closer together, but they also became more and more intense as time passed. I did my best to manage the pain, but as time went on and my contractions became unbearable, I started to cry and started to ask for an epidural, which I had planned on not doing. After about an hour and a half of crying and asking but being torn with making a final decision, I gave in and told FATMAN! that I wanted an epidural. Which was perfect timing because my nurse had just come in to check on things again. I told the nurse my decision and after checking the progress (I was dilated to 5 cm), she went and got the anesthesiologist. He was super nice and quite funny. It took about 20 minutes for the epidural to start working, but once it kicked in and my pain started to subside, FATMAN! left to get lunch and I rested. Within an hour, I was starting to feel much better and fell asleep for about an hour.
The next few hours were quite uneventful. FATMAN! and I sat and laid around watching TV and checked in with my parents who had come up to help with the Squid. Progression had slowed so I was put on oxytocin around 3:30-ish and I was rolled onto my side yet again. Nearing the end of labor, I started feeling pressure from my contractions and a kick here and there from Kickboxer, but other than that, nothing exciting happened.
And then at about 5:20 (I honestly don't know, I'm guesstimating) I felt this odd feeling near my hip. The best way I can explain it is that it felt like a fluttery kick (when you first start feeling your baby moving around inside you at the beginning of pregnancy). I thought it was odd, but didn't think anything else about it. Then I felt the exact same thing a minute later.... then thirty seconds later. It was after that third time that I told FATMAN! to go get my nurse. Instead of doing what I said, he came to the other side of my bed to check on my contractions on the monitor. When he saw that nothing was wrong, he turned towards the door and saw a bulge under the sheet that wasn't quite right. He said something to the effect of "He's here" and ran out the door. I immediately threw back the sheet just in time to see Kickboxer's butt and legs emerge. At that sight I was overcome with many emotions: relief that it was finally over, happiness that I didn't have to push at all let alone two hours, fear because he was bluer than Squid when he was born and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his body (and the sheet didn't clear his head), and awe and wonderment (possibly a little shock).
My nurse, the baby nurse, and an extra nurse all came rushing in with FATMAN! at the caboose. A fourth nurse went to the room next to mine to get my doctor (who didn't believe at first that I had delivered without his assistance) and he came in a minute later. While one nurse was taking care of Kickboxer and another one was taking care of me, my doctor, FATMAN!, and I were trying to figure out what had happened. My doctor has the theory that Kickboxer was in a bad position all during labor and then he finally rolled over and just slid right now. At the same time as we were discussing the miracle, I was waiting to hear my son cry. It must have only been about a minute, but it felt like forever to me. The nurse said that he had extra fluid in his passageways and that was what caused him to have a hard time breathing at first. Still the pediatrician put us on house arrest for a few days because of it. But as soon as he did cry, my fear subsided and I was so happy to know that my son was healthy.
It's been an interesting and rough three weeks since then. Kids change everything. When one of those kids is a terrible two and the other is a newborn, hardly anything stays clean or gets done all at once, especially now that FATMAN! is back to his normal work schedule. I manage. Some days I go to bed tired and weary. Other days I go to bed exhausted because I've been up since before the sun with no break or rest. Some days I wonder why I even wanted children in the first place. And then Squid says the cutest thing and Kickboxer smiles while sleeping in my arms. It's the small things that make it worth all the crazy and stressful times.
But the way that Kickboxer made his debut is one for the books. If I hadn't been there and witnessed it myself, I wouldn't believe it happened like this.
First, a little back story: My labor and delivery with the Squid was quite easy, typical, and had very little problems. I was able to labor through the contractions with breathing techniques and relaxing in the tub. I did not get an epidural (but I was asking for it at the end when it was too late). I had to have my waters broken by the doctor. Squid decided to start coming before I was fully dilated and I ended up pushing for two hours. I tore a little bit and needed 4 stitches. For it being my first labor and delivery, it was good and much better than I expected it to be.
My labor and delivery with Kickboxer was completely different. It was hard. It was ugly.
My water broke at 3 am when I rolled over in bed after FATMAN! bumped me when he rolled over. I immediately sat up getting my bed all wet and woke FATMAN! up then jumped to action to get everything together and ready to go to the hospital. As soon as the sitter arrived to stay with Squid until my parents arrived, FATMAN! and I were off.
As soon as we got to my room and somewhat settled, I was told my water had indeed broken (they tested just to be sure) and that I was only dilated 1 cm. It was going to be a while before Kickboxer arrived. Both FATMAN! and I did our best to relax and rest while contractions started and progressed. By the time the nurses rotated 3 hours after we arrived, I was dilated to 3 cm and my contractions were all over the place.
My new nurse suggested I lay on my side to help move contractions along. So I did... and my contractions sure did come closer together, but they also became more and more intense as time passed. I did my best to manage the pain, but as time went on and my contractions became unbearable, I started to cry and started to ask for an epidural, which I had planned on not doing. After about an hour and a half of crying and asking but being torn with making a final decision, I gave in and told FATMAN! that I wanted an epidural. Which was perfect timing because my nurse had just come in to check on things again. I told the nurse my decision and after checking the progress (I was dilated to 5 cm), she went and got the anesthesiologist. He was super nice and quite funny. It took about 20 minutes for the epidural to start working, but once it kicked in and my pain started to subside, FATMAN! left to get lunch and I rested. Within an hour, I was starting to feel much better and fell asleep for about an hour.
The next few hours were quite uneventful. FATMAN! and I sat and laid around watching TV and checked in with my parents who had come up to help with the Squid. Progression had slowed so I was put on oxytocin around 3:30-ish and I was rolled onto my side yet again. Nearing the end of labor, I started feeling pressure from my contractions and a kick here and there from Kickboxer, but other than that, nothing exciting happened.
And then at about 5:20 (I honestly don't know, I'm guesstimating) I felt this odd feeling near my hip. The best way I can explain it is that it felt like a fluttery kick (when you first start feeling your baby moving around inside you at the beginning of pregnancy). I thought it was odd, but didn't think anything else about it. Then I felt the exact same thing a minute later.... then thirty seconds later. It was after that third time that I told FATMAN! to go get my nurse. Instead of doing what I said, he came to the other side of my bed to check on my contractions on the monitor. When he saw that nothing was wrong, he turned towards the door and saw a bulge under the sheet that wasn't quite right. He said something to the effect of "He's here" and ran out the door. I immediately threw back the sheet just in time to see Kickboxer's butt and legs emerge. At that sight I was overcome with many emotions: relief that it was finally over, happiness that I didn't have to push at all let alone two hours, fear because he was bluer than Squid when he was born and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his body (and the sheet didn't clear his head), and awe and wonderment (possibly a little shock).
My nurse, the baby nurse, and an extra nurse all came rushing in with FATMAN! at the caboose. A fourth nurse went to the room next to mine to get my doctor (who didn't believe at first that I had delivered without his assistance) and he came in a minute later. While one nurse was taking care of Kickboxer and another one was taking care of me, my doctor, FATMAN!, and I were trying to figure out what had happened. My doctor has the theory that Kickboxer was in a bad position all during labor and then he finally rolled over and just slid right now. At the same time as we were discussing the miracle, I was waiting to hear my son cry. It must have only been about a minute, but it felt like forever to me. The nurse said that he had extra fluid in his passageways and that was what caused him to have a hard time breathing at first. Still the pediatrician put us on house arrest for a few days because of it. But as soon as he did cry, my fear subsided and I was so happy to know that my son was healthy.
It's been an interesting and rough three weeks since then. Kids change everything. When one of those kids is a terrible two and the other is a newborn, hardly anything stays clean or gets done all at once, especially now that FATMAN! is back to his normal work schedule. I manage. Some days I go to bed tired and weary. Other days I go to bed exhausted because I've been up since before the sun with no break or rest. Some days I wonder why I even wanted children in the first place. And then Squid says the cutest thing and Kickboxer smiles while sleeping in my arms. It's the small things that make it worth all the crazy and stressful times.
August 5, 2016
No, I Haven't Fallen Off the Face of the Earth
My dear readers,
I just want to quickly say thank you for reading my blog and no, I haven't fallen off the planet. I have simply (dang pregnancy brain) forgotten that I have this blog. But I have also been busy. July brought on a couple of trips home, false alarms about labor, frustration, heat, and overall craziness.
The Squid (now being just a few weeks from his birthday) has decided to become a full on Terrible Two Toddler before his second birthday. He's been very disobedient and rebellious and, frankly, I don't know how much more I can handle! It's crazy how my sweet little angel is now so picky, says no to everything, and doesn't listen to me. So that's been frustrating.
My sister got married in the middle of July. That was interesting to say the least. Let's just say that I'm glad it wasn't my wedding, but I wish that certain people had minded the schedule that was put together (though one incident was my fault), especially when it came to eating food. It was good, but things did not go smoothly. But it was great to have some time off from work (both FATMAN! and I) and to just relax after all of the chaos with my family.
Then work started up afterwards again. I love my "job" as a Jamberry consultant. I truly do, but everything has its ups and downs and July was a small down after April, May, and June. (Things are already looking up for August!) So that was a little bit of a bummer, but not quite as frustrating and/or stressful as it was for FATMAN!. He manages the store that he works in and summer is the busiest time of the year. So he (and I) prefer to have as many employees in the store as possible during summer. At the end of June, the assistant manager took a different job and moved away. It was a great opportunity for the assistant manager, but that left FATMAN! one employee short. AND he isn't getting a replacement for another couple of weeks. So he's gone all of July missing his assistant manager and he's had to pick up hours, clean up any messes caused by other employees, and do the manager and assistant manager responsibilities. He has definitely been stressed and run ragged. I am so grateful that he has sacrificed so much so that I can stay home with the kids.
Speaking of kids, Storm, our puppy, has also become a brat. And I'm going to leave it at that for the sake of lengthy blog posts.
Then a couple of weeks after my sister's wedding, I had the opportunity presented to me to go to a meeting at Jamberry Home Office. So I convinced FATMAN! to make the drive again to my parents' house and I was able to go to a very wonderful and much needed meeting. I got training, motivation, new ideas, and I got to go with my sister in law! It was great! (Not to mention the free and discounted stuff I got.)
On top of all of these events, it's summer. It's hot and miserable. On top of that, I'm near the end of my pregnancy. I hate summer in general. I hate being hot and sweaty and exhausted. This is my second summer pregnancy and I knew what to expect as far as pregnant in summer goes, but I never thought this time around would be harder to cope with. I thought my little angel would stay an angel a little bit longer, I didn't think my unborn son would cause me so much pain and worry (referring to the false alarm labor scare I mentioned earlier), and I certainly didn't expect that my husband would be so much busier and more stressed from work and other things in our lives. I am just over 7 weeks away from my due date. It's going to be the longest 7 weeks of the summer. I can say that with confidence because this whole summer has been LONG! I hate being pregnant in summer and I will never do it again, but I can't wait to meet my little boy.
Sorry for going on a ranting spree. I just needed to get it out in a different form. Thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully, I'll remember to post more often until D day.
I just want to quickly say thank you for reading my blog and no, I haven't fallen off the planet. I have simply (dang pregnancy brain) forgotten that I have this blog. But I have also been busy. July brought on a couple of trips home, false alarms about labor, frustration, heat, and overall craziness.
The Squid (now being just a few weeks from his birthday) has decided to become a full on Terrible Two Toddler before his second birthday. He's been very disobedient and rebellious and, frankly, I don't know how much more I can handle! It's crazy how my sweet little angel is now so picky, says no to everything, and doesn't listen to me. So that's been frustrating.
My sister got married in the middle of July. That was interesting to say the least. Let's just say that I'm glad it wasn't my wedding, but I wish that certain people had minded the schedule that was put together (though one incident was my fault), especially when it came to eating food. It was good, but things did not go smoothly. But it was great to have some time off from work (both FATMAN! and I) and to just relax after all of the chaos with my family.
Then work started up afterwards again. I love my "job" as a Jamberry consultant. I truly do, but everything has its ups and downs and July was a small down after April, May, and June. (Things are already looking up for August!) So that was a little bit of a bummer, but not quite as frustrating and/or stressful as it was for FATMAN!. He manages the store that he works in and summer is the busiest time of the year. So he (and I) prefer to have as many employees in the store as possible during summer. At the end of June, the assistant manager took a different job and moved away. It was a great opportunity for the assistant manager, but that left FATMAN! one employee short. AND he isn't getting a replacement for another couple of weeks. So he's gone all of July missing his assistant manager and he's had to pick up hours, clean up any messes caused by other employees, and do the manager and assistant manager responsibilities. He has definitely been stressed and run ragged. I am so grateful that he has sacrificed so much so that I can stay home with the kids.
Speaking of kids, Storm, our puppy, has also become a brat. And I'm going to leave it at that for the sake of lengthy blog posts.
Then a couple of weeks after my sister's wedding, I had the opportunity presented to me to go to a meeting at Jamberry Home Office. So I convinced FATMAN! to make the drive again to my parents' house and I was able to go to a very wonderful and much needed meeting. I got training, motivation, new ideas, and I got to go with my sister in law! It was great! (Not to mention the free and discounted stuff I got.)
On top of all of these events, it's summer. It's hot and miserable. On top of that, I'm near the end of my pregnancy. I hate summer in general. I hate being hot and sweaty and exhausted. This is my second summer pregnancy and I knew what to expect as far as pregnant in summer goes, but I never thought this time around would be harder to cope with. I thought my little angel would stay an angel a little bit longer, I didn't think my unborn son would cause me so much pain and worry (referring to the false alarm labor scare I mentioned earlier), and I certainly didn't expect that my husband would be so much busier and more stressed from work and other things in our lives. I am just over 7 weeks away from my due date. It's going to be the longest 7 weeks of the summer. I can say that with confidence because this whole summer has been LONG! I hate being pregnant in summer and I will never do it again, but I can't wait to meet my little boy.
Sorry for going on a ranting spree. I just needed to get it out in a different form. Thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully, I'll remember to post more often until D day.
March 30, 2016
Shout Out to Single Moms
I would like to give a big shout out to all of the single moms out there. No matter what you may think, as long as you still have your children and they are fed and clothed, you are doing a great job.
Every once in a while, FATMAN! has to go away for work and I become a single mom temporarily. But let me tell you, those few days that he is gone are the longest and hardest days of my life! And I can't even imagine what those who are definitely single moms go through all the time. It's hard! Especially with more than just the Squid now (we got a puppy).
So if you are a single mom by choice, by happenstance, by accident, because your spouse is military or works another job where he is away a lot of the time, or because you just haven't found the right guy, don't give up. You may not be the most energetic, well put together, organized, clean, heck, I'll even put presentable out there, but you are doing what you can, right? And if you are doing all that you can just to take care of and provide for your child(ren), that's all that matters and they will thank you for it one day. If you are a single mom and energetic, well put together, organized, clean, and presentable all the time, you need to share your secrets.
I may not be a single mom all the time, but the times that FATMAN! is away makes me appreciate all you women who are making it work on your own. Go you! Keep going. You are strong, even when you feel the weakest. Keep fighting for your kids, because they make this life worth it.
Every once in a while, FATMAN! has to go away for work and I become a single mom temporarily. But let me tell you, those few days that he is gone are the longest and hardest days of my life! And I can't even imagine what those who are definitely single moms go through all the time. It's hard! Especially with more than just the Squid now (we got a puppy).
So if you are a single mom by choice, by happenstance, by accident, because your spouse is military or works another job where he is away a lot of the time, or because you just haven't found the right guy, don't give up. You may not be the most energetic, well put together, organized, clean, heck, I'll even put presentable out there, but you are doing what you can, right? And if you are doing all that you can just to take care of and provide for your child(ren), that's all that matters and they will thank you for it one day. If you are a single mom and energetic, well put together, organized, clean, and presentable all the time, you need to share your secrets.
I may not be a single mom all the time, but the times that FATMAN! is away makes me appreciate all you women who are making it work on your own. Go you! Keep going. You are strong, even when you feel the weakest. Keep fighting for your kids, because they make this life worth it.
November 6, 2015
When What You Thought To Be True Changes
My heart is breaking.
There is nothing I can do about it.
I don't understand.
Why?
Why them?
They haven't done anything wrong.
Why punish the innocent?
Why deny them the blessings they deserve because of someone else?
I don't understand.
How can something I have grown up being taught to be true all of a sudden come with a condition?
I don't know what to do.
My heart aches.
I can't stop it.
I can't prevent it.
I don't know if it will heal.
As long as I am a mother, my heart will ache.
How can this be?
How can You say those things?
How can You deny them?
How can You keep them away?
They are Your children!
I don't understand.
I wish there was something I could do.
I wish I could see this through Your eyes.
I wish I could see what You see.
Now and in the future.
I pray that I may one day understand.
I pray that one day I may push past the hurt.
I pray that one day I may fully accept this.
Until that day, I pray for Your strength and understanding.
Please stay by my side and guide me.
Please help me to do what it is I need to do.
Please help me to see the way You see.
September 8, 2015
My Month of Chaos!
Since my last actual post, I have moved, started a new business, the Squid has turned a year old, FATMAN! went on a week long business trip, I have thrown a birthday party, started to unpack a house, the Squid has turned into more than a handful, and I have no idea how I'm still alive and mostly sane! Let me tell you it wasn't easy and I definitely wanted to give up or explode at everyone around me many times.
So let's start at the beginning when it all started. At the beginning of August, FATMAN! and I finally made a decision of when we were going to finish fixing up and move into our new house. We had closed on the house at the end of June and over a month later were still not moved into it. There were walls, cabinets, and closets that needed painting, lights and fixtures that needed replacing, vents installed, doors fixed, and all around cleaning that need to be done before we could move in. We had a list of about 20 things that needed to be done before we could move in and live in the house (it was built in the '70's and still had many of the original features that were not up to code). We only did about half of the items on our list before we moved in, only because we were so tired of waiting and having to deal with our awful neighbors. So, we set a date to move in... and then we had to change it again because of a wedding... and then again because of paint fumes.... and then we FINALLY MOVED IN the Saturday before FATMAN! had to leave for almost an entire week for business, which was also the Saturday before Squid's birthday party. So for the first week in our new house, I was alone with the Squid. Now, it wouldn't have been as bad if our house was newer than it is. This house makes sooooo much noise and creaks and shifts with every little wind that hits it (and we have a lot of wind here) that I didn't sleep the first two nights FATMAN! was gone. It was scary being in a new environment all alone and not knowing anyone who lived by me. Thank goodness for church and birthday activities to get me out of the house every once in a while!
Also in August, right before moving into the new house, I became a direct sales consultant with a new and growing company. (But I'll go more into that in another post later.) But having to start my training and selling while trying to pack and move and while taking care of an almost one year old is borderline psychotic! I didn't do a lot with my new job while we packed and moved, but I did start training. When you have to split your free time while baby naps between training and packing, you get worn out quickly and don't want to do anything by the time baby's bedtime comes around. As soon as the Squid was down for the night, I usually just sat and watched TV until I couldn't stay awake any longer.
Right after moving into the new house and while FATMAN! was on his business trip, the Squid turned one! YAY! The two of us didn't do much the day of his birthday, but that weekend was full of fun and family. Family started showing up Friday night and it was great to just sit around and talk and share stories and relax before the chaos started. I am so grateful that we still had our apartment in our name so that I could have enough room for everyone to stay without cramming in our little house and without forcing everyone to get a hotel. It was helpful to me that I didn't have to worry about everyone staying warm or cool enough during the night, having enough food for everyone for every meal, etc. However, when Saturday rolled around I wish I had planned better and had someone to do the catering for the Squid's party. I loved that my family was willing to help with anything I ask them too, but it's hard when everyone is asking JUST ME what they can help with while I'm trying to do all that only I could or wanted to do. I made a monkey cake for the party and I was trying to get it decorated when everyone kept asking me what they could do to help, needing me to come look at things, needing me to take care of other things, trying to have a conversation with me, etc. FATMAN! was working on the grill (after mowing the lawn). That's it! Just standing and making sure that the food didn't burn. I have no idea why everyone had to come to me for every tiny little thing. So the cake didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It still looked good and I am grateful for my dad helping out with it, but I wish I had had uninterrupted time just to work on it and have it turn out better. But as soon as the party started, everything was somewhat better. Everyone served themselves, we all sat around and talked and laughed at Squid and his cuteness. It was great. I wish I had been able to take pictures so that I wouldn't have to wait for everyone else to send me the pictures they took. I wish I had planned the decorations a little better. I wish... I wish... I wish... But I can't go back and change the past and it's not like the party was a disaster. It just didn't go as well as I had hoped.
There are a few more little things that happened during August, but they aren't as crazy as the stories I just shared. I'm so happy that it is now September and that I can start with a blank calendar (not as blank anymore) and have some control over my life again. Now if only I can get Squid to stay in one spot for more than 10 seconds.....
So let's start at the beginning when it all started. At the beginning of August, FATMAN! and I finally made a decision of when we were going to finish fixing up and move into our new house. We had closed on the house at the end of June and over a month later were still not moved into it. There were walls, cabinets, and closets that needed painting, lights and fixtures that needed replacing, vents installed, doors fixed, and all around cleaning that need to be done before we could move in. We had a list of about 20 things that needed to be done before we could move in and live in the house (it was built in the '70's and still had many of the original features that were not up to code). We only did about half of the items on our list before we moved in, only because we were so tired of waiting and having to deal with our awful neighbors. So, we set a date to move in... and then we had to change it again because of a wedding... and then again because of paint fumes.... and then we FINALLY MOVED IN the Saturday before FATMAN! had to leave for almost an entire week for business, which was also the Saturday before Squid's birthday party. So for the first week in our new house, I was alone with the Squid. Now, it wouldn't have been as bad if our house was newer than it is. This house makes sooooo much noise and creaks and shifts with every little wind that hits it (and we have a lot of wind here) that I didn't sleep the first two nights FATMAN! was gone. It was scary being in a new environment all alone and not knowing anyone who lived by me. Thank goodness for church and birthday activities to get me out of the house every once in a while!
Also in August, right before moving into the new house, I became a direct sales consultant with a new and growing company. (But I'll go more into that in another post later.) But having to start my training and selling while trying to pack and move and while taking care of an almost one year old is borderline psychotic! I didn't do a lot with my new job while we packed and moved, but I did start training. When you have to split your free time while baby naps between training and packing, you get worn out quickly and don't want to do anything by the time baby's bedtime comes around. As soon as the Squid was down for the night, I usually just sat and watched TV until I couldn't stay awake any longer.
Right after moving into the new house and while FATMAN! was on his business trip, the Squid turned one! YAY! The two of us didn't do much the day of his birthday, but that weekend was full of fun and family. Family started showing up Friday night and it was great to just sit around and talk and share stories and relax before the chaos started. I am so grateful that we still had our apartment in our name so that I could have enough room for everyone to stay without cramming in our little house and without forcing everyone to get a hotel. It was helpful to me that I didn't have to worry about everyone staying warm or cool enough during the night, having enough food for everyone for every meal, etc. However, when Saturday rolled around I wish I had planned better and had someone to do the catering for the Squid's party. I loved that my family was willing to help with anything I ask them too, but it's hard when everyone is asking JUST ME what they can help with while I'm trying to do all that only I could or wanted to do. I made a monkey cake for the party and I was trying to get it decorated when everyone kept asking me what they could do to help, needing me to come look at things, needing me to take care of other things, trying to have a conversation with me, etc. FATMAN! was working on the grill (after mowing the lawn). That's it! Just standing and making sure that the food didn't burn. I have no idea why everyone had to come to me for every tiny little thing. So the cake didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It still looked good and I am grateful for my dad helping out with it, but I wish I had had uninterrupted time just to work on it and have it turn out better. But as soon as the party started, everything was somewhat better. Everyone served themselves, we all sat around and talked and laughed at Squid and his cuteness. It was great. I wish I had been able to take pictures so that I wouldn't have to wait for everyone else to send me the pictures they took. I wish I had planned the decorations a little better. I wish... I wish... I wish... But I can't go back and change the past and it's not like the party was a disaster. It just didn't go as well as I had hoped.
There are a few more little things that happened during August, but they aren't as crazy as the stories I just shared. I'm so happy that it is now September and that I can start with a blank calendar (not as blank anymore) and have some control over my life again. Now if only I can get Squid to stay in one spot for more than 10 seconds.....
August 14, 2015
My Baby Tips
With the Squid turning a year old here in a couple of weeks, I thought I would share some tips and tricks that I have discovered and used over this past almost year. A couple of these tricks I found on other sites like BabyCenter, Pinterest, etc. but I promise that I wouldn't share these tricks if they didn't work. Here we go!
Packing Clothes for Trips
When packing clothes for a trip, put individual outfits into Ziploc bags. Put in everything you need: onesie, pants, socks, white onesie, etc. Put all pajamas into a larger bag. I've gone so far as to label the bags with each day we are going to be gone. This way you don't over pack and you are organized. And with pressing the air out of the bags, you save room in the suitcase.
Laundering Those Tiny Socks
One thing I feared when I started washing the Squid's tiny socks was that I would lose them in the apartment complex laundromat and machines. So I went out and bought a lingerie bag to put all the small articles of clothing in while washing so that I don't lose them. But after I started using the bag, I ran into the issue of losing the bag under Squid's hamper. After a couple of trials that ended in error, I found that if I clothes pin the bag to the side of the hamper (we have a flexible clothes/toy hamper) that it would stay in place and was easily accessible at all times. It saves so much time because I don't have to sort through all of his laundry and pull out the socks, mitts, etc. and I'm definitely not going to lose them in my washing and drying machines.
Administering Medicine
Ask any kid and they will all say that medicine is icky! And forcing something foreign into a baby's mouth that doesn't produce something yummy is harder than you would think. I've tried squirting into the side of the mouth, putting it into milk or cereal (consult doctor before doing that), pinning down the Squid and then taking forever waiting for him to swallow each tiny drop until it's all gone, and some other techniques. The number one thing that worked was getting a medicine cup designed for babies that has a nipple, like this one:
The Squid has had no problems with using this method to take medicine. And from what I have seen online, almost all babies have not had any problems and prefer this method. It's closest to a breast nipple and bottle nipple so baby isn't going to turn it away. Always check with a doctor or pharmacist before watering down any medicine.
When Teething Starts
I have tried teething tablets, cold teething rings, room temperature teething rings, rags, etc. All babies are different when it comes to teething remedies. So try out everything until you find what your baby prefers. But one thing that Squid absolutely loves the best is teething wafers/biscuits. There are specific biscuits and wafers designed to be hard enough to provide pressure to sooth yet soft enough to be dissolved and eaten. They come in different flavors and textures. Squid prefers the Plum Organics wafers because they are more like a graham cracker but he will still eat the rice rusks as well. If your baby is old enough and teething, I highly recommend getting some teething wafers, just be sure to keep an eye on your little one while they are eating.
Nursery
I prefer that my home be organized and clean. Everything has a place. That includes my baby's room. Our changing table is opened, meaning it has shelves with no drawers. FATMAN! and I went out and bought some organizers, like these:
We put diapers, wipes, breastfeeding accessories, bibs, and other grab-and-go items in the boxes to keep them handy for when we are in a hurry or need them in reach. We also got some under the bed storage boxes that I filled with toys and blankets.
As for baby monitors, we had some great friends in Jackson who spoiled us. They gave us a camera baby monitor and it is one of the best gifts I received for the Squid. You can actually see that your baby is sleeping soundly or that he is starting to wake up. It's been a great blessing for me because Squid sometimes cries in his sleep, especially earlier in his life. If it weren't for the camera, I would have rushed into his room, wake him up, and then have to actually calm him down and lull him back to sleep instead of seeing that he is still asleep and just needs a minute. If you have the money, investing in a camera monitor is a great investment. Plus, in the future if you want to have a camera in all of the little ones's rooms, a lot of brands and models come with extra cameras and sync up to the one monitor. It's awesome!
And last, but not least, I swear by my diaper genie. If you don't have one, I don't know how to manage. I don't know how I would keep my house smelling nice if I didn't have one. Go get one! (Or put it on your registry if you are expecting and don't already have one.)
Clothes
And my last couple of tips come from a couple of friends, but remember that I said I wouldn't share anything unless I had tried it myself? First off, go buy hangers and hang up your little one's clothes. I had the thought that I would just put all of my baby's clothes in the dresser, even after being told to hang them up. Well, for the Squid's first 4 weeks I did put all of his clothes in the dresser, and then we all moved and I had to unpack bigger clothes, which meant more clothes. I didn't have enough room in his dresser for all of the clothes that I unpacked for him and was forced to hang them all up. In that first week, I realized why I was given the advice to hang up all of Squid's clothes. When they are all hung up in the closet, you see every onesie, not just the ones on top in the drawer. And since I'm able to see every onesie, I will go through all of the onesies instead of just the same 7-10 outfits every week. So now all of the onesies are hung up in Squid's closet, except for white onesies which I put in the dresser along with pants, pj's, and socks.
Second, the design of the onesie has a secret. I was told about this secret by a friend and then I saw a video clip online a week later that confirmed it. The reason the shoulders are designed the way they are is for easy take off when an explosion happens. When your little one poops so much that it's going up his back, the last thing you want to do is to get that poop in your little one's face/hair because you have taken the onesie off going up and over the head. Next time this or a different kind of explosion happens, pull the onesie down towards the feet. The shoulders are designed for this method. Here's a YouTube video showing you how it works: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waramIqsU_A
Well, I know that was kinda long and I rambled a little, but I hope these tips help you now or in the future, whether near or far. I'm not done having kids, so who knows what other tips I might come up with in the future. And please feel free to share your baby tips in the comments below.
July 22, 2015
A Confession
For when the going gets tough,
For when you have reached the end of your rope,
For when you feel helpless and alone,
For when you believe there is nothing else,
For when you are faced with yet another trial,
For when you think you have done all you can,
Or for when you just need a reminder,
Please remember,
All you have to do is find it.
We all have a fight to fight,
A trial we are facing,
And every once in a while we may feel helpless,
Hopeless,
Alone,
Unloved, even.
But you are not alone.
There are others out there who are going through the same thing.
I have been dealing with Postpartum Depression lately.
It's hard.
Especially when I get it stuck in my head that I'm alone.
It's hard to shake those thoughts and push pass them.
It's hard when I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.
Sometimes my most favorite things don't even cheer me up.
Sometimes I feel completely and utterly alone.
Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed.
Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything at all,
Just want to sit and watch TV.
Sometimes I don't even want to do that.
I have been hiding the secret of my PPD for too long.
It doesn't always happen right after having a child.
It can happen any time up to a year after childbirth.
Did you know that?
I didn't.
Not until my son turned 8 months.
That's when I became a victim of PPD.
After suffering alone for 2 1/2 months, I finally told someone.
That is the best thing I did.
I told about how I had felt lately.
It was a great start.
I now take each day one at a time and try my best.
If I need to, I take it one hour at a time.
If I feel like I have failed that day, I have the support I need.
And I know and remind myself that there's a new day tomorrow and I can try again.
I know I am not alone.
I may not always remember it,
But I do know it.
If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, loneliness, or other negative feelings, please reach out to someone you trust and ask for help.
It just might save a life.
July 16, 2015
Being a SAHM Sucks
Being a stay at home mom sucks. Well, maybe not completely, but there have been times when I wish I wasn't a stay at home mom.
In my situation, FATMAN! and I only have one car. So every day he takes the car to work and I stay home with baby. I do have a stroller if I wanted to go anywhere, but anywhere I want to go is not exactly in walking distance. And it's summer right now. Too hot to walk anywhere most days.
I only interact with one person all day, every day. Well, not person, per say. A BABY! A tiny human being who can't talk, can't walk, can't take care of himself on even the simplest of levels. I am his caretaker every second he is awake. When he goes down for a nap, sometimes I get some time to myself, but I never know for how long. But oft times I use that time to clean up after the Squid and do the bare minimum to take care of myself (i.e. food, clothes, etc.). I don't even get to shower in the mornings anymore because Squid's naps are so unpredictable. I have to shower at night after the Squid has gone to sleep for the night. It's nice and relaxing right before bed, but it's not ideal. And because all of my attention is on Squid, I don't have a lot of time to clean and the time I do have to clean (naptime) I can't do some of the cleaning because I have to be quiet to let him sleep.
I only ever see one other person every day and that's FATMAN! after he gets home from work late most nights. I only see and interact with two people every day. I am a people person. As much as I hate people in general (which is a post for another week), I need people. I need to be around and interact with people. I hate being and/or feeling alone. So, every so often I actually get depressed because the only time I get to interact with people is on Sundays at church (except that now I'm behind the piano again and don't get as much interaction as before). I do grow tired of seeing the same faces all the time, but how do I explain that to my husband? How do I say that I don't want to see him because I see him all the time? I love my husband, but change is good.
I used to work. I got my first job as a senior in high school and have had a job ever since then until the Squid came. I am used to working and interacting and helping people. Now I interact and help one person every day all day long (plus FATMAN! once he gets home). I don't mind helping him grow and learn and I love watching him do those things, but it's hard to adjust from having a job where you help many people to a job where you only help one person (who doesn't even count as a full person in my opinion). I guess that is why whenever I see one of my friends or family members in need through Facebook, I immediately want to help in any way I can (though I don't have the time I need and want to help).
As much as I love being a stay at home mom to raise my son and to save money, I do hate it, too. It's not the life I thought I would have. It's not all fun and games like some people think it is. I know, I know. "The grass is greener on the other side." But that doesn't mean it's easier to deal and be happy.
In my situation, FATMAN! and I only have one car. So every day he takes the car to work and I stay home with baby. I do have a stroller if I wanted to go anywhere, but anywhere I want to go is not exactly in walking distance. And it's summer right now. Too hot to walk anywhere most days.
I only interact with one person all day, every day. Well, not person, per say. A BABY! A tiny human being who can't talk, can't walk, can't take care of himself on even the simplest of levels. I am his caretaker every second he is awake. When he goes down for a nap, sometimes I get some time to myself, but I never know for how long. But oft times I use that time to clean up after the Squid and do the bare minimum to take care of myself (i.e. food, clothes, etc.). I don't even get to shower in the mornings anymore because Squid's naps are so unpredictable. I have to shower at night after the Squid has gone to sleep for the night. It's nice and relaxing right before bed, but it's not ideal. And because all of my attention is on Squid, I don't have a lot of time to clean and the time I do have to clean (naptime) I can't do some of the cleaning because I have to be quiet to let him sleep.
I only ever see one other person every day and that's FATMAN! after he gets home from work late most nights. I only see and interact with two people every day. I am a people person. As much as I hate people in general (which is a post for another week), I need people. I need to be around and interact with people. I hate being and/or feeling alone. So, every so often I actually get depressed because the only time I get to interact with people is on Sundays at church (except that now I'm behind the piano again and don't get as much interaction as before). I do grow tired of seeing the same faces all the time, but how do I explain that to my husband? How do I say that I don't want to see him because I see him all the time? I love my husband, but change is good.
I used to work. I got my first job as a senior in high school and have had a job ever since then until the Squid came. I am used to working and interacting and helping people. Now I interact and help one person every day all day long (plus FATMAN! once he gets home). I don't mind helping him grow and learn and I love watching him do those things, but it's hard to adjust from having a job where you help many people to a job where you only help one person (who doesn't even count as a full person in my opinion). I guess that is why whenever I see one of my friends or family members in need through Facebook, I immediately want to help in any way I can (though I don't have the time I need and want to help).
As much as I love being a stay at home mom to raise my son and to save money, I do hate it, too. It's not the life I thought I would have. It's not all fun and games like some people think it is. I know, I know. "The grass is greener on the other side." But that doesn't mean it's easier to deal and be happy.
May 9, 2015
Vacation! Whoo hoo!
For the first time since before giving birth to my beautiful Squid, I got a vacation. FATMAN! and I got away for a few nights to reconnect and not have the distraction nor interruption of having to take care of the Squid. I am extremely grateful to my parents for allowing us the vacation that we were very much in need of.
We honestly didn't do a lot on our vacation. We did a bit of shopping that we can't do at home and relaxed in the hotel room and didn't worry about a thing. We also went to my best friend's wedding that was the same weekend. We didn't do much, but what we did do was spend time together.
FATMAN! works long hours during the day. When he gets home, all I want is a break from the Squid and have some time to myself. Or on the days when he works later, as soon as he gets home it's bath and bedtime for Squid and then we only have about an hour until we go to bed. We really only get time together on the weekends (when he doesn't work) and we spend that time running errands and take care of Squid. So, we don't get very much time together and FATMAN! and Squid don't get very much time together, either. Also, because of the long hours that FATMAN! works, when we do have time together, we use it to discuss important things... which sometimes leads to bickering. As of late, we have not been in sync as often as we were when we were first married.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for FATMAN!'s job and his willingness to work. And I am enjoying being a stay at home mom. But I miss being a great wife. It's hard having to split my time and attention between two boys who need me to survive. I miss having some time to work on my projects. There's always naptime, but I try my best to use that time to work on chores (which, I'll admit, I'm not the best at it) or on other important things that need my attention. Then when FATMAN! comes home, he needs my attention too or I hand Squid off to him while I work on something that needs immediate help. I hardly get any time to myself. (Yes, I know that's what I signed up for when I became a mom.)
This vacation was exactly what I needed. I needed some time with my FATMAN! and to relax and to not worry about anything other than the wedding (because I was a part of it). I was able to take some to focus on just one thing and it was the best thing that could have happened to my marriage. I was able to focus on FATMAN! and what he needed from me and he was able to focus on me. All we needed was each other.
And we couldn't have ended it any better. All three of us, my mom, and my brother went to the newly remodeled aquarium. It was amazing! And the Squid absolutely loved the fish! It was so cute seeing his face light up and hear him "ooh" with each new exhibit. It truly was the best way to ended a much needed, great vacation.
I highly recommend taking a vacation occasionally just to reconnect with yourself, your significant other, life, and/or your sanity. Vacations are good.
We honestly didn't do a lot on our vacation. We did a bit of shopping that we can't do at home and relaxed in the hotel room and didn't worry about a thing. We also went to my best friend's wedding that was the same weekend. We didn't do much, but what we did do was spend time together.
FATMAN! works long hours during the day. When he gets home, all I want is a break from the Squid and have some time to myself. Or on the days when he works later, as soon as he gets home it's bath and bedtime for Squid and then we only have about an hour until we go to bed. We really only get time together on the weekends (when he doesn't work) and we spend that time running errands and take care of Squid. So, we don't get very much time together and FATMAN! and Squid don't get very much time together, either. Also, because of the long hours that FATMAN! works, when we do have time together, we use it to discuss important things... which sometimes leads to bickering. As of late, we have not been in sync as often as we were when we were first married.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for FATMAN!'s job and his willingness to work. And I am enjoying being a stay at home mom. But I miss being a great wife. It's hard having to split my time and attention between two boys who need me to survive. I miss having some time to work on my projects. There's always naptime, but I try my best to use that time to work on chores (which, I'll admit, I'm not the best at it) or on other important things that need my attention. Then when FATMAN! comes home, he needs my attention too or I hand Squid off to him while I work on something that needs immediate help. I hardly get any time to myself. (Yes, I know that's what I signed up for when I became a mom.)
This vacation was exactly what I needed. I needed some time with my FATMAN! and to relax and to not worry about anything other than the wedding (because I was a part of it). I was able to take some to focus on just one thing and it was the best thing that could have happened to my marriage. I was able to focus on FATMAN! and what he needed from me and he was able to focus on me. All we needed was each other.
And we couldn't have ended it any better. All three of us, my mom, and my brother went to the newly remodeled aquarium. It was amazing! And the Squid absolutely loved the fish! It was so cute seeing his face light up and hear him "ooh" with each new exhibit. It truly was the best way to ended a much needed, great vacation.
I highly recommend taking a vacation occasionally just to reconnect with yourself, your significant other, life, and/or your sanity. Vacations are good.
March 3, 2015
I Am a Terrible, Horrible Mother
I'll admit it: I am a terrible, horrible mother. I am mean. I am lazy. I do what is needed rather than what is wanted, most of the time. I say "no." Here is a list of things that make me terrible and horrible and reasons why I do them:
I let my Squid, who is 6 months old, watch TV, especially while I do dishes or make dinner (or other food) in the kitchen adjacent to the living room. We watch TV and movies together, sometimes with daddy FATMAN! too. In fact, we watch a few hours of TV a day most days. I let Squid watch TV because it calms him and sometimes it is the only thing that will calm and put him to sleep. But we don't just watch anything. I choose educational shows for him to watch. We watch Super Why!, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Busytown Mysteries, and other age appropriate and educational shows. The one show that he did watch that wasn't educational was The New Woody Woodpecker Show, which is just as funny as the original.
I suck my Squid's brains out. And what I mean by that is I suck out the mucus from his nose. Most mothers dread doing it so much that they end up not doing it and letting their child suffer. I pin Squid down a couple of times a week (daily when he was younger) and suck and suck and suck until I get something out of his nose. I do this, even though the Squid does not like it one bit, because I would rather have my son be uncomfortable and suffer for just a moment rather than uncomfortable and suffer all the time because he can't breathe.
Sleeping babies make peaceful babies and happy mothers. But I wake up my son. Mostly to stick to the schedule that I have laid out for him, but also so that I can sleep. If the Squid sleeps all day long, he won't sleep during the night, which means I won't be able to sleep. Mothers of newborns are told to sleep when their baby is sleeping, but I have never been able to do that. Sleeping during the day is hard for me. Heck, sleeping at night is hard for me. So I wake up my son to change, feed, and play with him until he is ready for a nap again. The more he is awake during the day, the more he will sleep at night. And the more he sleeps at night, the more I sleep at night and am happier in the morning.
I have kept electronics such as remotes, phones, laptops, etc. away from my son. I tell him no when he reaches out for one, not that he fully understands right now. I look around everywhere I go and find infants and toddlers playing and fully operating a smart phone or tablet, including my nephews. I don't want my son to be 18 months old and operating my smart phone or the TV without needing my help. We are so reliant on technology that we have forgotten what it is like to play with a simple toy, a stuffed animal, or to even go outside and play. My dad was at a convention recently and saw a 5 year old with her own smart phone. Since when did children need their own phone, let alone a smart phone? I want my son and any other children I have to love and enjoy the simple things in life, including their toys.
I don't always immediately jump up and rush over to Squid every time he cries. It's not that I don't care. I care terribly about my son. But I don't jump up every time he cries because sometimes he doesn't need me. He whimpers and cries out in his sleep sometimes and if I were to immediately jump out of bed and rush to care for him I would wake him up, which I don't want to do. Sometimes he is crying because he wants more attention. He loves to be held and he gets spoiled whenever we go see grandma and grandpa. I can't hold him all the time because I have a bad back and he would never progress and grow. If I held him all the he definitely would be happier, but he wouldn't learn to sit (which he finally is doing on his own), crawl, or walk. Sometimes I let him cry because I have already done everything and I am frustrated and don't know what else to do. Sometimes babies just need to cry. So, often, I let him cry a couple of times to see if he will calm down on his own.
Lately, I have been working on teaching the Squid to fall asleep on his own and not in my arms. I love snuggling with my Squid, especially when he is asleep and not wiggling around and trying to scratch my eyes out (okay... not literally), but I don't want him to rely on being held and rocked to fall asleep when he's 10 years old. So, during nap times when he is having issues falling asleep, I will hold and rock him for a little bit, but as soon as he is showing signs of starting to fall asleep, I put him down in his crib or swing. Sometimes, in the middle of the day if he hasn't gone down for his nap and is wide awake, I will put him in his crib just to see if he will calm down and sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it teaches Squid to be a little independent.
I may be a terrible, horrible mother, but I have reasons behind why I do what I do; the biggest one being I want my child to grow and be his best self.
I let my Squid, who is 6 months old, watch TV, especially while I do dishes or make dinner (or other food) in the kitchen adjacent to the living room. We watch TV and movies together, sometimes with daddy FATMAN! too. In fact, we watch a few hours of TV a day most days. I let Squid watch TV because it calms him and sometimes it is the only thing that will calm and put him to sleep. But we don't just watch anything. I choose educational shows for him to watch. We watch Super Why!, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Busytown Mysteries, and other age appropriate and educational shows. The one show that he did watch that wasn't educational was The New Woody Woodpecker Show, which is just as funny as the original.
I suck my Squid's brains out. And what I mean by that is I suck out the mucus from his nose. Most mothers dread doing it so much that they end up not doing it and letting their child suffer. I pin Squid down a couple of times a week (daily when he was younger) and suck and suck and suck until I get something out of his nose. I do this, even though the Squid does not like it one bit, because I would rather have my son be uncomfortable and suffer for just a moment rather than uncomfortable and suffer all the time because he can't breathe.
Sleeping babies make peaceful babies and happy mothers. But I wake up my son. Mostly to stick to the schedule that I have laid out for him, but also so that I can sleep. If the Squid sleeps all day long, he won't sleep during the night, which means I won't be able to sleep. Mothers of newborns are told to sleep when their baby is sleeping, but I have never been able to do that. Sleeping during the day is hard for me. Heck, sleeping at night is hard for me. So I wake up my son to change, feed, and play with him until he is ready for a nap again. The more he is awake during the day, the more he will sleep at night. And the more he sleeps at night, the more I sleep at night and am happier in the morning.
I have kept electronics such as remotes, phones, laptops, etc. away from my son. I tell him no when he reaches out for one, not that he fully understands right now. I look around everywhere I go and find infants and toddlers playing and fully operating a smart phone or tablet, including my nephews. I don't want my son to be 18 months old and operating my smart phone or the TV without needing my help. We are so reliant on technology that we have forgotten what it is like to play with a simple toy, a stuffed animal, or to even go outside and play. My dad was at a convention recently and saw a 5 year old with her own smart phone. Since when did children need their own phone, let alone a smart phone? I want my son and any other children I have to love and enjoy the simple things in life, including their toys.
I don't always immediately jump up and rush over to Squid every time he cries. It's not that I don't care. I care terribly about my son. But I don't jump up every time he cries because sometimes he doesn't need me. He whimpers and cries out in his sleep sometimes and if I were to immediately jump out of bed and rush to care for him I would wake him up, which I don't want to do. Sometimes he is crying because he wants more attention. He loves to be held and he gets spoiled whenever we go see grandma and grandpa. I can't hold him all the time because I have a bad back and he would never progress and grow. If I held him all the he definitely would be happier, but he wouldn't learn to sit (which he finally is doing on his own), crawl, or walk. Sometimes I let him cry because I have already done everything and I am frustrated and don't know what else to do. Sometimes babies just need to cry. So, often, I let him cry a couple of times to see if he will calm down on his own.
Lately, I have been working on teaching the Squid to fall asleep on his own and not in my arms. I love snuggling with my Squid, especially when he is asleep and not wiggling around and trying to scratch my eyes out (okay... not literally), but I don't want him to rely on being held and rocked to fall asleep when he's 10 years old. So, during nap times when he is having issues falling asleep, I will hold and rock him for a little bit, but as soon as he is showing signs of starting to fall asleep, I put him down in his crib or swing. Sometimes, in the middle of the day if he hasn't gone down for his nap and is wide awake, I will put him in his crib just to see if he will calm down and sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it teaches Squid to be a little independent.
I may be a terrible, horrible mother, but I have reasons behind why I do what I do; the biggest one being I want my child to grow and be his best self.
February 24, 2015
My Baby Still Hasn't Pooped and Other Frustrations of a New Mom
Let me preface that this was my answer to a question FATMAN! asked me the other day. To help with conversation at dinner and to make our marriage stronger, I printed out some random questions and stuck them in a jar. Every night one of us chooses a question (or two) and we talk about it. The other day the question was, "If you had to write a paper about your day, what would the title be?" FATMAN! liked my answer so much that he suggested that it be the title of my next blog post.
My poor Squid has been struggling with constipation on and off for the past couple of months. And it seems like this time is worse than any other instance. Nothing seems to help. Normally I would go to the doctor, but every time I go to make an appointment or go to an already scheduled appointment, he explodes! So I haven't called the doctor... yet. But I have tried pumping his legs, giving him a tiny bit of juice, essential oils, tummy massages, every solution I have found online and nothing. I have even started him on solids early to see if fruits and vegetables would help. But still nothing! (No, I have not tried prunes yet because Grandma and Grandpa, who bought the solid food, couldn't find any and I have yet to go to the store since coming home from my last trip.) It is so heartbreaking to watch my son grunt and push and grunt and groan and push and cry and have nothing come out, especially since everything I have done has not helped at all.
One thing that has been beyond frustrating for me is that Squid won't stick to a schedule. {Enter angry scream here} When we moved right after he was born, I did my very, very best to get the Squid on a schedule so that I would have time to help out around the house while he slept. Though it took some time, after a couple of weeks I got him on a reliable schedule and I did my best to help with chores and such. But ever since we got back from Christmas vacation he hasn't be very reliable. He's only slept a few minutes here and there rather than sleeping for at least an hour during every nap time. He sleeps right after eating rather than waiting a while. The only thing that has been consistent is when he eats and that is only because I actually have control over that. Maybe it's the teething. Maybe it's the constipation. Maybe it's the fact that he was constantly passed around all day long during vacation and hardly had the chance to stick to the schedule. Maybe he's simply growing out of naps. I don't know what's going on with him, but it has proven difficult these past couple months or so to get anything done around the house. (It's a miracle sometimes to post here every week.)
Oh, the loveliness of teeth. Unless you are a teething baby. In that case, teeth are your worse nightmare, after being pushed and pushed out of a hole you don't fit through. The Squid has been teething for about a month (for sure) and has had his ups and downs. He now has a tooth just covered by a thin layer of gums just waiting to cut through at any moment. He has been doing extremely well with the amount of discomfort new teeth can be. He loves putting whatever he can get his hands on into his mouth and gnaw on it, fingers (anyone's), thumb, pacifier, teething right, blanket, burp cloth, etc. It all goes in the mouth.
And because everything goes in his mouth, there is soooo much drool! Drool all over his hands (which then makes them cold), all down his front, on his legs from leaning forward, all over FATMAN! and myself, everywhere! It's a wonder he hasn't drowned himself with so much drool.
Of all the frustrations that have come with being a mother the worse of them all is that I don't always know what my sweet Squid needs and he can't tell me. Most of the time I can tell what it is that is bothering him, but lately I feel so out of tuned that I question every day if I'm a good mother. But then I do something to make him smile or giggle and I am reassured once again that I am a good mother.
No one has ever said that motherhood is easy. Only that it is worth the remarkable rewards.
*UPDATE* The Squid has pooped, but he still struggles and it breaks my heart even more so.
My poor Squid has been struggling with constipation on and off for the past couple of months. And it seems like this time is worse than any other instance. Nothing seems to help. Normally I would go to the doctor, but every time I go to make an appointment or go to an already scheduled appointment, he explodes! So I haven't called the doctor... yet. But I have tried pumping his legs, giving him a tiny bit of juice, essential oils, tummy massages, every solution I have found online and nothing. I have even started him on solids early to see if fruits and vegetables would help. But still nothing! (No, I have not tried prunes yet because Grandma and Grandpa, who bought the solid food, couldn't find any and I have yet to go to the store since coming home from my last trip.) It is so heartbreaking to watch my son grunt and push and grunt and groan and push and cry and have nothing come out, especially since everything I have done has not helped at all.
One thing that has been beyond frustrating for me is that Squid won't stick to a schedule. {Enter angry scream here} When we moved right after he was born, I did my very, very best to get the Squid on a schedule so that I would have time to help out around the house while he slept. Though it took some time, after a couple of weeks I got him on a reliable schedule and I did my best to help with chores and such. But ever since we got back from Christmas vacation he hasn't be very reliable. He's only slept a few minutes here and there rather than sleeping for at least an hour during every nap time. He sleeps right after eating rather than waiting a while. The only thing that has been consistent is when he eats and that is only because I actually have control over that. Maybe it's the teething. Maybe it's the constipation. Maybe it's the fact that he was constantly passed around all day long during vacation and hardly had the chance to stick to the schedule. Maybe he's simply growing out of naps. I don't know what's going on with him, but it has proven difficult these past couple months or so to get anything done around the house. (It's a miracle sometimes to post here every week.)
Oh, the loveliness of teeth. Unless you are a teething baby. In that case, teeth are your worse nightmare, after being pushed and pushed out of a hole you don't fit through. The Squid has been teething for about a month (for sure) and has had his ups and downs. He now has a tooth just covered by a thin layer of gums just waiting to cut through at any moment. He has been doing extremely well with the amount of discomfort new teeth can be. He loves putting whatever he can get his hands on into his mouth and gnaw on it, fingers (anyone's), thumb, pacifier, teething right, blanket, burp cloth, etc. It all goes in the mouth.
And because everything goes in his mouth, there is soooo much drool! Drool all over his hands (which then makes them cold), all down his front, on his legs from leaning forward, all over FATMAN! and myself, everywhere! It's a wonder he hasn't drowned himself with so much drool.
Of all the frustrations that have come with being a mother the worse of them all is that I don't always know what my sweet Squid needs and he can't tell me. Most of the time I can tell what it is that is bothering him, but lately I feel so out of tuned that I question every day if I'm a good mother. But then I do something to make him smile or giggle and I am reassured once again that I am a good mother.
No one has ever said that motherhood is easy. Only that it is worth the remarkable rewards.
*UPDATE* The Squid has pooped, but he still struggles and it breaks my heart even more so.
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