I Am a Terrible, Horrible Mother

I'll admit it: I am a terrible, horrible mother. I am mean. I am lazy. I do what is needed rather than what is wanted, most of the time. I say "no." Here is a list of things that make me terrible and horrible and reasons why I do them:

I let my Squid, who is 6 months old, watch TV, especially while I do dishes or make dinner (or other food) in the kitchen adjacent to the living room. We watch TV and movies together, sometimes with daddy FATMAN! too. In fact, we watch a few hours of TV a day most days. I let Squid watch TV because it calms him and sometimes it is the only thing that will calm and put him to sleep. But we don't just watch anything. I choose educational shows for him to watch. We watch Super Why!, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Busytown Mysteries, and other age appropriate and educational shows. The one show that he did watch that wasn't educational was The New Woody Woodpecker Show, which is just as funny as the original. 

I suck my Squid's brains out. And what I mean by that is I suck out the mucus from his nose. Most mothers dread doing it so much that they end up not doing it and letting their child suffer. I pin Squid down a couple of times a week (daily when he was younger) and suck and suck and suck until I get something out of his nose. I do this, even though the Squid does not like it one bit, because I would rather have my son be uncomfortable and suffer for just a moment rather than uncomfortable and suffer all the time because he can't breathe. 

Sleeping babies make peaceful babies and happy mothers. But I wake up my son. Mostly to stick to the schedule that I have laid out for him, but also so that I can sleep. If the Squid sleeps all day long, he won't sleep during the night, which means I won't be able to sleep. Mothers of newborns are told to sleep when their baby is sleeping, but I have never been able to do that. Sleeping during the day is hard for me. Heck, sleeping at night is hard for me. So I wake up my son to change, feed, and play with him until he is ready for a nap again. The more he is awake during the day, the more he will sleep at night. And the more he sleeps at night, the more I sleep at night and am happier in the morning. 

I have kept electronics such as remotes, phones, laptops, etc. away from my son. I tell him no when he reaches out for one, not that he fully understands right now. I look around everywhere I go and find infants and toddlers playing and fully operating a smart phone or tablet, including my nephews. I don't want my son to be 18 months old and operating my smart phone or the TV without needing my help. We are so reliant on technology that we have forgotten what it is like to play with a simple toy, a stuffed animal, or to even go outside and play. My dad was at a convention recently and saw a 5 year old with her own smart phone. Since when did children need their own phone, let alone a smart phone? I want my son and any other children I have to love and enjoy the simple things in life, including their toys. 

I don't always immediately jump up and rush over to Squid every time he cries. It's not that I don't care. I care terribly about my son. But I don't jump up every time he cries because sometimes he doesn't need me. He whimpers and cries out in his sleep sometimes and if I were to immediately jump out of bed and rush to care for him I would wake him up, which I don't want to do. Sometimes he is crying because he wants more attention. He loves to be held and he gets spoiled whenever we go see grandma and grandpa. I can't hold him all the time because I have a bad back and he would never progress and grow. If I held him all the he definitely would be happier, but he wouldn't learn to sit (which he finally is doing on his own), crawl, or walk. Sometimes I let him cry because I have already done everything and I am frustrated and don't know what else to do. Sometimes babies just need to cry. So, often, I let him cry a couple of times to see if he will calm down on his own. 

Lately, I have been working on teaching the Squid to fall asleep on his own and not in my arms. I love snuggling with my Squid, especially when he is asleep and not wiggling around and trying to scratch my eyes out (okay... not literally), but I don't want him to rely on being held and rocked to fall asleep when he's 10 years old. So, during nap times when he is having issues falling asleep, I will hold and rock him for a little bit, but as soon as he is showing signs of starting to fall asleep, I put him down in his crib or swing. Sometimes, in the middle of the day if he hasn't gone down for his nap and is wide awake, I will put him in his crib just to see if he will calm down and sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it teaches Squid to be a little independent. 

I may be a terrible, horrible mother, but I have reasons behind why I do what I do; the biggest one being I want my child to grow and be his best self.