The #1 Situation to Keep Your Mouth Shut

I'm going to warn all readers now that this is a rant. I'm also going to be talking about some things that are hard to talk about and it is not my intention to insult, hurt, or burden. 

I am currently pregnant, due with my third boy in December. I don't like attention, especially when I'm pregnant, but somehow I am yet the blinding beacon wherever I go and all anyone can talk with me about is my pregnancy.

And I HATE IT!

There is so much more to me than motherhood and pregnancy. If there wasn't then I don't know how I ever made friends or met and married FATMAN before becoming a mother. I wish people would just stop seeing me as "pregnant" or "mother". 

Especially since people seem to think they can just say and do whatever they want without thinking about the hurt they may cause. There are many trials that pregnant women go through without anyone else's input or comments. (Then again we women in general go through so much without anyone else's input or comments, but that's a different post.) I've been holding in my anger, hurt, and frustration for far too long.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I yearned for a girl. Not because I'm already out numbered or because I want to do all the girly things (God knows I'm not that kind of female). I wanted a girl because I wanted something different. That's all. Just something a little different. So when I saw that baby #3 is a boy, yes, I was devastated and heartbroken, because I had let my hopes up. Later that same day, when I announced the gender, I can't tell you how many times people commented with "He will be just as loved." OF COURSE HE WILL BE LOVED! It's not like I'm going to give him away or get rid of him just because he's a boy! I prayed and prayed and prayed for this child for a year! A YEAR! My other two pregnancies happened so fast that I was starting to get scared that I wouldn't be able to have any more of my own. And that fear became even more so after I miscarried. So yes, he will be loved, but there was no need to say that. That comment (which I still get today) has hurt the most.

The other comment that has hurt more than others is "You can always try again" or "Your next one will be a girl." People hear me out hear me now: IF I get pregnant again is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! My sex life is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Where your business and pregnancy are a common concern is with your own body. Stop meddling where you aren't to be meddling. Do you know how much heartache I went through month after month with each test? When you try for something and things don't go "according to plan," you get sad. When things don't go "according to plan" time and time again, you get depressed, angry, scared, anxious, worried, and, most of all, hurt. My heart broke each month when I was "late" and the test came back negative. I can not go through that heartache again. But me getting pregnant is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! So stay out of it!

"At least you're all set on clothes." No, actually. I'm not. For two main reasons. When we moved from Wyoming to Utah, we got rid of a lot of unnecessary items, including most baby items and clothes. We didn't need them at the time so we donated or sold what we weren't using to make room in the truck and to make more room in our new home. A lot of baby items are not collapsible and take up a lot of space that can be used more wisely, including boxes of baby clothes. Also, my other sons are summer babies. This one is going to be a winter baby. Even if I did still have all of those clothes, they would be the wrong kind. Too cold in the winter and too warm in the summer. 

There have also been so many comments on how tiny I am. Some of them have been made in awe, some in jealousy, but most in unbelief and almost concern. Yes, I have been able to stay fit and not put on as much weight (so far) in this pregnancy. I was in a musical this summer, starting rehearsals right after I got the positive tests. I was dancing, walking, and working out all summer (with caution). Even with my first pregnancy, I ballooned and looked pregnant from early on and put on a lot of weight. I am so happy and proud that I have been able to keep my weight gain under control this time around and that I am small. BUT what so many don't understand is that because I haven't put on as much weight this time around, I have other physical issues. My body hurts even more this pregnancy, because my belly is all baby and my belly is heavy. My belly pulls in all directions and hurts my ribs, hips, and back. It feels like I'm carrying around a 20 lb medicine ball all day, every day. I move slower and slower every day, it's hard to get up off the couch or a chair or out of bed, and I have the worse case of acid reflux. I had heart burn with my other two boys, but this is so much worse and it will only get worse until after the baby comes. 

And while we are talking about physical things, DO NOT TOUCH A PREGNANT BELLY! If you didn't put it there, you do not touch. Don't even ask. Don't even think about it. Just. Don't. It's awkward enough that we have to carry around this big heavy belly, don't make it more awkward by touching. 

Honestly, there is so much more I want to talk about but I feel like I'd get nowhere. Please keep all comments to yourself, even if they are well intended. You have no idea how your comment may come across because you don't know the whole story. 

One last topic. Pregnancy is a very touchy subject because so many women struggle. I am guilty of saying some thoughtless comments myself and I can't take them back. Before saying anything to anyone about pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, fertility, etc., please stop and don't say it. Better to be a silent supporter or comforter, than one more person who said something without thinking. Every pregnancy is different. Every miscarriage is different. Every story is different. Don't assume that you know the right thing to say. 

Dear Bully

Dear bully, 

I'm sorry that you feel threatened by me. 
I am sorry that you blame me for a lot of your problems. 
I'm sorry that you think my life is perfect and yours isn't. (My life is far from ideal let alone perfect.)
I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable coming to me about things I "have done" to you. 
I'm sorry you feel like I don't love you. 

But the fact is this: I don't love you. 
I don't even like you. 
But for the sake of many, I tolerate you and do my best to not cause more problems or hurt. 
When you are nearby, I paint on a smile and pretend that everything is fine. 

The truth: It's not fine. 
You have hurt me!
You have hurt my family!
You have taken too little time to get to know me.
You don't know who I am. 
You don't know my likes and dislikes. 
You just know the protector and defender side of me, which you call bullying and other names. 

I have tried to get to know you.
I have tried to be nice. 
I have come to events to support you and your family. 
I reached out to you when you were going through a hard time, but you turned me away.
I have even begged for your forgiveness for what I have done to you. 
I have forgiven you, even when you haven't apologized.

And yet, you still attack me.
You still call me names.
You still say I'm the reason for your hardship.
You still ignore me.
You still glare at me when we are together. 
You still talk about me behind my back as if I would never find out. 
You post about me on social media, thinking that because we aren't "friends" I won't hear about it. 
You still complain about me to your spouse. 
You still say that I am hurting you, even though I'm not doing anything. 

I'm sorry our relationship has become what it is now. 
I always hoped that we could lean on each other and help each other. 
I hoped that we would become sisters because I never had an older sister to help and guide me. 
I hoped that we would share favorite movies, books, music, clothes, etc. 
I hoped that we would have our kids grow up together and share funny stories later in life.  

But it is not to be.
Because you have hurt me and held onto a pointless, unhealthy grudge.

You probably will never see this.
But if you do, my wish is that you will let your hatred go. 
Let go of the hurt. 
Open up to me.
Be open up to the possibility that I'm not who you think I am in your mind.
I understand you are hurting and struggling. 
Let me help. 

I never meant to hurt you.
I still don't mean to hurt you.
But you have hurt me and continue to do so. 

And so I say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you.

Sincerely,
Me

To be Kind

I know people aren't perfect. 

I know people aren't perfect.

I know people are not perfect!!!

Do you understand that? Do you get it?

If not, please tell me how I can make you understand that I know people aren't perfect.

I am not perfect and I don't expect others to be perfect. 

I don't expect others to be perfect. 

I do not expect others to be perfect!

However, I do expect them to be KIND. 

The main reason why I don't like going to church is because people aren't KIND and loving.

In the Mormon church, we are taught from a very early age that we should be like Jesus. 

More specifically, we are taught to be kind to and love and accept everyone. 

So, why is it that some people who attend the Mormon church with feel like it is appropriate and okay to go up to someone and say mean, hurtful, and/or rude things about them to their face?

Or to speak up just loud enough for someone to hear when they are talking about that person behind their back?

Or to gossip about anyone at all, especially in the church to fellow church members about other church members?

Kindness is not earned. 

Kindness is expected of all of us. 

We should always be kind because you never know what the person you are talking to or about is going through. 

You don't know their battles, secret thoughts, struggles, etc. 

One mean comment could send them into a depression so deep they could end it all. 

One mean comment could be just the right trigger for suicide. 

One mean comment could be the last thing you say to that person because you just drove them away. 

I know we live in a world full of terror and awfulness. 

But we can change this world for the better with just being kind. 

Do one kind thing. 

Say one kind thing. 

Send a loving message to that one person you've been thinking about. 

All it takes is 30 seconds. 

And always remember: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." (Bambi)

I don't expect anyone to be perfect. 

I do expect people to be kind, especially those who call themselves Christians.

You do not need to be perfect to be kind. 

I Don't Want to Go to Church

I want to start by saying that this isn't directed at anyone in particular. It's just something that I've been going through as of late and I can't hold it back any longer. If I offend anyone, that is absolutely not my intention. 

I hate going to church. Absolutely dread it every week. 

It's not that I don't believe, though I have my doubts and issues. I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and in the basic teachings of the church. There are some things that have changed over the years that I don't necessarily agree with and I have issues with them, but those aren't why I hate church. 

It's people. 

Most particularly, people who have been and are being taught to be Christ-like and loving no matter what and yet they aren't. People who don't think before they say something and offend or judge, unknowing to them. People who point out other's faults and become prideful over the fact that they don't have that fault and flaunt it. People who are total hypocrites! (I'm at fault at times here and I admit it.)

I go to church with a lot of older folk who are set in their ways and think that things are done one way or it's done wrong. Who aren't open to the possibility that there is a new way of doing things. Who think that whatever they have to say is more important than whatever is being discussed or taught, whether or not it pertains to the lesson. Their comments usually drive away the Spirit (at least for me) and are sometimes taken as offensive, even when it's not meant to be. Not all of the older folk in my ward are like this. There are some lovely adults who I look up to and love to hear what they have to say, but those people also think before they speak. 

Not saying that only the older folk are guilty of this. Sometimes the younger generations don't think before they speak either. There are times when the younger older adults (aka older than me) are trying to be helpful, but it doesn't come across that way. And there are often times when they will start an argument when there is no place for one. For example, I have mentioned in the past that I hate where I live and a handful of people overheard and took it upon themselves to defend the city and basically tell me that I'm an awful person for even thinking otherwise. I have stopped talking about the town whenever I'm at church and church functions because of that. 

But the worse part of church? The fact that hardly any of the parents take responsibility for their children and do what should be done, especially during sacrament meeting, the most important part of going to church. There just doesn't seem to be any common sense or claim when it comes to being a parent these days. Kids are running around like crazy, talking/screaming when the rest of us are trying to be reverent, sickness spreading like a plague!, and what are the parents doing? Nothing. They are sitting and ignoring their kids so that they can focus on the talk or lesson. They are not taking their child out of the room. They are not taking responsibility for the actions of their child. And they are relying on other adults or their older kids to take care of the younger ones, which makes matters worse. I'm trying to raise my kids to be respectful, decent human beings and it's hard for me to do that when they see every other kid acting out and not being disciplined. 

Then there are the leaders and teachers who don't do their callings (I'm guilty of this too at times, but I try my best). Teachers who aren't ready to teach, who don't seem to care. Leaders who don't know how to teach. Leaders who go say one thing one week and then another another week (or worse, in the same day). Teachers who don't do anything but just read the lesson word for word because that's what they think teaching is or don't care to take the time to plan. Leaders who are socially awkward and know it but don't change anything. If you are supposed to be someone who is supposed to lead, someone who people are supposed to look to, you should act like it. 

Then there are the people who believe that everyone else's business is their business too and they need to step in. Or they "self-appoint" themselves to do a certain role or task. That's not how the church works! If you haven't been asked to do a certain job or calling, DON'T DO IT! You are causing more problems than solving any. The church is organized in a way that works and helps, but when people stick their noses where they shouldn't be, the organization of the church tumbles and people suffer. 

Church should be a refuge from the storm and problems of the world (or something like that). But what happens when going to church leaves you feeling worse than before you went to church that morning (or afternoon)? What happens when going to church, that teaches to "love one another," leaves you feeling hurt and unloved most weeks? What happens when you dread going to church because you know there is a very high chance that you will have to interact with the same person who made an offending comment the week before? What ever happened to "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all"? Did no one else ever see Bambi? What happens when I am told that I am in the wrong when I haven't done anything at all? This is the situation that I am in. I've been in this situation for a while and I've been in it before. I grew up in a ward very similar to my current ward and I hated it then too, but I didn't have a choice then. It just about drove me away. 

So, if I hate it so much, why do I keep going? At first, because it's what I was supposed to do. I was trying to "fake it 'til you make it." But that didn't help and I just hated it more and more as the weeks went on. Now I go because I'm scared of what my family and friends will think if they found out I stopped going. I suffer because I'm afraid of my family's judgment. I suffer in silence (until I get home) every week because I don't know what else to do. 

To end on a good note, there are a handful of people (some of them kids) who I call my friend and I love seeing them during the three hours every week because they make it just a little bit more bearable. But, unfortunately, it's not enough to relieve the pain I suffer. 

Dear Lady Who Skinny Shamed Me

The other day I was out in public and was stopped by a women who said, "There's something wrong here." I looked around to make sure I had everything and I could see nothing "wrong". After I looked back at her confused, she continued and said, "You shouldn't look that good right after giving birth. It's just not right." She may have meant it as a compliment, but it sure as heck did not come across as one. She was not the first to comment on how well I look but the way that she said it left me feeling sick and frustrated.



Dear lady who skinny shamed me, 

Thank you for noticing me and feeling like you needed to make a comment. However, what you said was a harsh, back-handed compliment and you should have thought about what you said before saying it. 

There is nothing "wrong" with me. So what if I've lost almost all of the baby weight two months after giving birth? What business is it of yours? 

You have no idea what I felt like when I was pregnant. You have no idea how uncomfortable I was in my pregnant body. You have no idea how much I am negative about my appearance, especially during and after pregnancy. 

Did you know that I had no tearing during delivery? Did you know I was given permission by my doctor to start working out as soon as I felt up to it? No, you didn't! Why? Because you didn't ask how I was. You didn't even sign up or offer to help me after I got home from the hospital. In fact, all you have said to me after delivery is that there is "something wrong" with how good I look after delivery. 

About 90% of the weight I gained while pregnant was all baby. I got sick with food poisoning about halfway through my pregnancy and lost a lot of the extra weight I had gained at that point. Then afterwards, I tried to eat healthy and do whatever exercise I could manage to help me not gain too much weight. So after delivery, I didn't have a ton of weight to lose, mostly just loose skin to tighten. After a few weeks, I was finally getting the energy to work out and Kickboxer was on a schedule where I found the time to get in a ten minute work out and start feeling more comfortable in my skin again. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I still have a pouch. I can still see many of my stretch marks. My butt and thighs are bigger than I wish they were. I have love handles. And I still have loose skin. But I am working on it, because I want to feel like me again. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. 

I'm not working out because I am vain. I'm not working out for my husband. I'm working out for me. I want to better myself. And if wanting to better myself and feel comfortable is what's "wrong" with me, you need to reevaluate your life and what you think "right" and "wrong" is. 

So, thank you for noticing me, but no thank you.

Sincerely, 
Sarah

I Wish...

I wish I could go back to simpler times.
When I didn't have to worry about what time it was and when I need to feed the Squid next.
When I didn't have to worry about keeping an entire house clean, but only a room. 
When I wasn't changing diapers and clothing (Squid's and mine) constantly. 
When I didn't have to juggle a wiggly baby. 
When I didn't have to worry about how much food I am producing. 
When I could go to the bathroom exactly when I need instead of waiting until Squid is content. 
When love was young and innocent and silly. 
When I only had to pack for one instead of two.
When there were inside jokes.
When I only needed my keys, wallet, phone, pants. 
When I had a job that I loved and looked forward to. 
When there were movie nights. 
When there were spontaneous hang outs.
When there was The Chronicles of Starnia. 
When there were friends who were my age.
When those friends were going through the same thing I was.
When I could call someone up and immediately jump in the car and go hang out. 
When I didn't have to constantly worry about money. 
When I could be a kid even though I was a teenager because I didn't care. 
When I didn't have to wonder who my friends were. 
When there was always a furry happy pup waiting for me at home. 
When friends would call up and say, "Let's go do something!" and I could.
When I didn't have to pack a diaper bag before leaving the house. 
When my arms, shoulders, and back didn't hurt all the time. 
When we went to the park at 10:00 at night and threw our cares away. 
When I didn't have to always bite my tongue.
When dates were just plain fun instead of long, intricate planning to make it perfect. 
When I could take my time getting up in the morning. 
When I could read any time I wanted because I had the time. 
When I didn't have to worry about compromise or sacrifice. 
When I wasn't so angry or frustrated all the time. 
When I didn't have melt downs because I didn't feel noticed. 
When I didn't always have doubt. 
When I didn't have so much responsibility. 
Can we go back to those times?

Sharing is Caring, Except When It's Rude

Before I get into this post, let me just say that I am not a mysophobic, a clean freak, or an over protective mom. 

I'm sure the majority (if not all of us) have heard the phrase "Sharing is caring." But sometimes sharing is just plain rude and inconsiderate. 

Twice in the past two months my family and I have been exposed to germs, illness, and misery. And all because parents don't have the common sense to keep their sick kids at home! Has common sense really died so much that if we are miserable with illnesses that we have to go out into public and share with others? Has it really come to that?

I understand that we have been commanded to attend church, but what people forget is that we are commanded to attend church when we are able. If you are sick, that means you can stay home. In my opinion, it means you should stay home. And not just from church. Stay home from everything: school, stores, parks, libraries, etc. If you and/or your kids are sick, be considerate and STAY HOME! 

If you must get out of the house, at least try to lessen the spread of the germs. Cough and sneeze into your elbow (to give it a cool name the "vampire" maneuver). Wash your hands as often as you can and ALWAYS after using the bathroom. Use anti-bacterial wipes on public items you have touched (i.e. shopping carts). But most important of all: teach your children to cover their mouths and noses! You actually can teach your young child to cover up. I know I am trying to teach the Squid, who is 20 months old. It's a matter of time, patience, and persistence. 

Please do everyone a favor and stay home when you are sick. Please do everyone a favor and keep your child(ren) home when they are sick. Have some common sense and courtesy! It just may save lives, like your own because the next time I'm sneezed on and chewed food goes into my hair, I'm going over to the person's house and going to sneeze, cough, and hack up a lung all over everything. Stop being gross and take care of yourself or your kid at home until you all are better and then go out into public and among other people. 

A Quick Thought

You may only live once (or YOLO as it is referred to these days), but you must remember: you only live once.

You get ONE life.

Don't waste it by being an idiot.

So Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

No, I'm not about to break (further) into song. I just couldn't think of a better title. :) 

Communication is when two (or more) people talk and listen to each other. It's as simple as that! So why is it so hard? Especially in relationships?! Why is it that we as humans want well working relationships (no matter what kind) but can't seem to understand how communication works?

Here is how it works (in a perfect world): Person A talks while Person B listens. Then Person B talks while Person A listens. Persons A or B may ask questions to clarify what the other is talking about or to move the conversation along. No interruptions are allowed. Everyone gets to say what they need to say. No judgment. No rude and/or hurtful remarks. No "one-overing" the other person. Everyone just simply talks thoroughly and listens thoroughly. 

SO WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?! Why doesn't it happen? 

I don't understand why communication is such a rarity these days. You hear everywhere that "communication is the key" in a healthy relationship. I agree that it is one of the keys. It is one thing that helps a relationship grow and become strong. I also say that complete communication is not always necessary. There are some things that shouldn't be shared. There are some things that work out better when kept to oneself. 

I'm more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations. I've always been the quiet one who doesn't speak up unless needed, strongly prompted, or fully comfortable in the current situation. I stutter over my words when I'm nervous or frustrated. (Or excited, but that's a different story.) So I don't like to speak (mostly in public) unless I have to. I've always been the one in the background listening and trying to understand. But when I know I can help, I speak up. Sadly, my help is not always heard or understood and that's when things get complicated. 

Ladies, please don't get offended by this next part because it is true at least once in a while. We females don't always express what we want. We don't always say what's on our minds. We don't tell our significant other what we want from them. We just assume that they can read our minds and other "subtle" hints and clues. Guess what: it doesn't work that way! Just because our girl-friends (sometimes) can read our minds and know exactly what we want doesn't mean that our partners do too. We need to calmly tell our husbands, boyfriends, life partners what we need from them. Even if it's to pick something up off the floor because you can't bend over for one reason or another. And be clear. Tell him exactly what you want. If you can't do that, do it yourself. 

Men, your turn not to be offended. Guys, you need to talk. You need to tell us about what's bothering you, what you need help with, and what you want! Women may be mind readers and know what's going through your head, but we like to hear it from you. Also, actually talk! No one or two word answers. Use at least 6 words when answering a question. It would also help if you paid complete attention when talking with us or to us. If you are in the middle of a videogame and you are trying to talk with me, I'm not going to be taking you seriously and I'd be a little shocked if any woman did. When communicating, full undivided attention is extremely helpful. 

Can we please all take the time to communicate properly with each other? If you want attention, say you want attention. If you want food, say "I'm hungry. Will you please make me ___?" If you want to go to bed, say it. If you want to go somewhere, say it! Are you catching my drift? SAY IT!!! Talk with people. Listen to people. And having a filter between your brain and mouth wouldn't hurt either. Let's have better communication and save each other some headaches and heartaches. 

Food For Thought

Vocabulary time!
Food for thought: something that warrants serious consideration. 

But when you hear this phrase, what do you really think it means? I asked my friends on Facebook. I got a few sarcastic/funny responses, but there were a few that I got that hit it right on the nose: 

Something to think about. 

A fact or idea that stimulates thought process.
Something you read that gets you thinking about improving society and/or yourself.
Something someone tells you to think about. 

From the definitions, it is very clear what the phrase "food for thought" means. 

So why is it that we as a society have to open our big online mouths even when we see a phrase even similar to "food for thought"? Why can't we just think about what has been said and keep our opinions and thoughts to ourselves? 

Why is it that we feel so comfortable saying whatever we wish online but, if the exact situation was presented in person, we would clam up and not say it? It's because when we are online we are never literally faced with the hurt that we may cause. Online we "can be anyone we want to be and do whatever we want to do," as some people may think. When we are all online, we don't regard others' feelings. When we are online, we forget that the other people who are also online are also human. We become robots. We disregard the needs and wants of those we virtually interact with. We think we become "courageous" and "brave" when we are online. We really become vile, mean, and cruel. 

Whatever happened to "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"? When did people become so mean, especially online? What happened to think about others and their feelings before saying anything? I know that this life can be hard and cruel, but that's only because we have let ourselves become hard and cruel and mean. Why did we let that happen? Why can't we change back to the kind and caring people we should be? 

I want to put a challenge out there. Not everyone out there on the internet is looking to start a debate. Not everyone out there is looking for others' opinions. Not everyone is looking for an answer/comment/remark. Here's the challenge:

N also stands for Necessary. If it's not necessary to post, don't post it.

Let's make this world better one post, comment, status, tweet, etc. at a time. Be the better you that you can be. Or in lame-man terms: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". Don't look to one up or be "high and mighty". Be helpful. If you can't do that, don't do anything. Let's respect other's wishes and if you read "food for thought," just think about what they have to say. Keyword: think.

Being a SAHM Sucks

Being a stay at home mom sucks. Well, maybe not completely, but there have been times when I wish I wasn't a stay at home mom.

In my situation, FATMAN! and I only have one car. So every day he takes the car to work and I stay home with baby. I do have a stroller if I wanted to go anywhere, but anywhere I want to go is not exactly in walking distance. And it's summer right now. Too hot to walk anywhere most days. 

I only interact with one person all day, every day. Well, not person, per say. A BABY! A tiny human being who can't talk, can't walk, can't take care of himself on even the simplest of levels. I am his caretaker every second he is awake. When he goes down for a nap, sometimes I get some time to myself, but I never know for how long. But oft times I use that time to clean up after the Squid and do the bare minimum to take care of myself (i.e. food, clothes, etc.). I don't even get to shower in the mornings anymore because Squid's naps are so unpredictable. I have to shower at night after the Squid has gone to sleep for the night. It's nice and relaxing right before bed, but it's not ideal. And because all of my attention is on Squid, I don't have a lot of time to clean and the time I do have to clean (naptime) I can't do some of the cleaning because I have to be quiet to let him sleep. 

I only ever see one other person every day and that's FATMAN! after he gets home from work late most nights. I only see and interact with two people every day. I am a people person. As much as I hate people in general (which is a post for another week), I need people. I need to be around and interact with people. I hate being and/or feeling alone. So, every so often I actually get depressed because the only time I get to interact with people is on Sundays at church (except that now I'm behind the piano again and don't get as much interaction as before). I do grow tired of seeing the same faces all the time, but how do I explain that to my husband? How do I say that I don't want to see him because I see him all the time? I love my husband, but change is good. 

I used to work. I got my first job as a senior in high school and have had a job ever since then until the Squid came. I am used to working and interacting and helping people. Now I interact and help one person every day all day long (plus FATMAN! once he gets home). I don't mind helping him grow and learn and I love watching him do those things, but it's hard to adjust from having a job where you help many people to a job where you only help one person (who doesn't even count as a full person in my opinion). I guess that is why whenever I see one of my friends or family members in need through Facebook, I immediately want to help in any way I can (though I don't have the time I need and want to help). 

As much as I love being a stay at home mom to raise my son and to save money, I do hate it, too. It's not the life I thought I would have. It's not all fun and games like some people think it is. I know, I know. "The grass is greener on the other side." But that doesn't mean it's easier to deal and be happy. 

Loneliness

"If you feel so alone, why work so hard at being popular?"
"Well, it beats being alone all by yourself."
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Often I have been told that it's better to be alone by yourself than alone in a crowd. After watching the episode of Buffy where the above conversation took place, it got me thinking. Is it better to be alone in a crowd than to be alone by yourself? 

I have had my own experiences of feeling alone, both in crowds and all by myself. As I reflect on them, it is my opinion that it is worse to feel alone in a crowd. 

When you are feeling alone all by yourself, you are truly and completely alone. There is no one else around. There's no one to try and cheer you up. There is no one around to try and understand what's going on. There is no one around to "fix" things. Sometimes being alone is what is needed to get out of the funk that you are stuck in. Sometimes you just need to figure things out on your own. It isn't always bad to be alone. Being alone every once in a while can be healthy. . 

Of course, if you are alone all the time, maybe you do need some help. Feeling alone all the time is not at all healthy. There are many people out there who can help you if you need someone. All you have to do is look and ask for help.  

But being alone all by yourself is not fun. Being alone because of a situation, like moving, is something hard to get out of, especially if you are shy and not as out-going as you thought you were. It's hard being cooped up all alone with nowhere to go and with the one and only person you know working all the time. And even when you do get out and find people it can be hard to open up and try to meet people and make friends

Being in a crowd and feeling lonely is awful. There's all of these people around and you try to join in the fun but you don't feel accepted or acknowledged. I remember a dance I went to a few years ago where I felt like I was ignored by everyone, including my date and my best friend. That is a night I wish I could forget because I was all alone but I was surrounded by people. People I knew. People I cared about. People I thought cared about me. People I thought were my friends. Now it is different when the people in the crowd are strangers. It's more normal to feel alone when you are surrounded by people you don't know or care about. Or...at least I think it is. I've only every had that happen to me once. 

Feeling alone is awful, but I think that being in a crowd and feeling lonely is a lot worse than being alone by yourself. It's hard to feel alone. It's hard to try and combat the loneliness sometimes. But loneliness can be overcome. It may be hard, but it can be done if you just ask for help. 

Friendship: What's the Point

What's the point of having friends if, when you finally get an opportunity to go home and see them, they don't come to see you? 

What's the point of having friends if they are just going to ignore you when you try talking to them? 

What's the point of having friends if all they ever do is complain and/or be negative?

What's the point of having friends if they always make empty promises?

What's the point of having friends if you don't know if they even remember you still exist?

WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!?!

It seems like every time I announce that I'm going to be home for some time and want to see my friends, all they ever do is say, "We should totally plan something and get together!" and then never, and I really do mean never, follow through. And then when I get back to wherever I am currently living and say something about having had a good time but missed seeing people, they all come up with excuses or say something to the effect of, "Sorry I missed you. Let me know when you'll be in town next," or they make excuses like, "I didn't know you that you were in town," even though I had said something. And don't even get me started on the excuses I got for when I said, "You should come visit me. I'm really not too far away." It was absolutely ridiculous!

That's what happened for the first two years that I lived away from home and far enough away that I didn't get to get away as often as I would have liked. After taking it for two years, I finally announced that I would no longer be saying when I was going to be in town next and if anyone wanted to see me, they had to come visit me. (This was when I was living in Jackson, WY, which is a 5 hour drive from SLC, my home.) In the two and almost a half years that I lived in Jackson, the only people who came and visited me were family and very few friends who mentioned that they would be stopping in town on their way up to Yellowstone. 

Now that I have lived closer (only a 3 hour drive from SLC) for a little over half a year, I still have only had family and two friends come visit. I understand that my friends are busy with school, work, families, and their lives, but I have made an effort to try to still be their friend and to me it seems like they have forgotten all about me, until they need me. It's like pulling teeth with them to try and meet up, even just for a few minutes to sit and talk and catch up. My best friend lives on an island while I'm still mainland USA and yet we still talk to each other often enough and whenever we are both home at the same time (which is rare) we always make time just for us. But guess what? She's the only one who has done this consistently! All of my other friends require multiple phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, and emails before I can even get them to realize that I'm trying to get their attention. 

But it seems like no matter what all I get in return to all I do is excuses, empty promises, and disappointment. I have done my best to make it to all the events that I can. I have done my best to give comfort, advice, help from a distance. I pray for all of my friends every single night. I think about all of them often. I miss them all. But I rarely hear for them. I don't know if they think about me. I don't know if anyone misses me. I don't know if they even think about me at all. I thought I had made some sort of impact on their lives at one point or another. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I was just the "go-to" gal when there were problems and no one else would help or listen. Maybe I was just the soundboard for ideas to be bounced off of. Maybe I was the odd one out whom everyone just tolerated. I don't know. I hardly hear from them. 

I wish that I could live closer and get together more often. I wish I could be closer so that I could help out more efficiently. I wish I could make it to every wedding, party, and other events. I wish you all could meet the Squid and that I could meet all of your kids and spouses. I wish you would simply talk to me, see how I'm doing. I try to talk with all of you but I rarely get responses back. 

My biggest wish for all of you, my friends, is that you are happy and loving life. Remember that I will always be here for you and I'm only a text message, phone call, email, Facebook message, or 3 hour car ride from SLC away. I love you all. I miss you all. I hope to see you all again at one point or another, but you have to at least make an effort. 

A Fading Superpower

First I want to say thank you to my readers for being patient with me. I know I have slacked a little bit lately in my posting. I have been busy with taking care of the Squid and trying to be the best wife I can be to FATMAN! while trying to keep up with the chaos of life. I promise I will continue to post as much as I can. Please keep reading my blog. 

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Common sense. Human nature. Thinking before acting. Thinking and planning ahead. Observing. Seeing the big picture. Doing your best and working hard.

What do all of these have in common?

All of those things that I listed are fading away and becoming less and less common. 

Common sense is the natural instinct that we all are born with and learn a little along the way through life. Common sense says, "Don't touch the fire, it's hot and will hurt." Common sense is our basic survival instinct that keeps us safe. So, why do very few people still listen to and use common sense? 

The other day FATMAN! and I were driving around town running errands. At one of the busiest intersections in town, some city workers were doing some work on the lights. Now, the workers made a common sense mistake of not having a police officer to help with traffic while they were working on the lights, but that wasn't the big problem. The problem was the people driving through that intersection. Common sense says, "Look to see if it's safe before going." Common sense also says to look around and observe before reacting. I can understand if you are too old (or killed to many brain cells because of drugs) and can't remember that a blinking red light means to treat the intersection as a 4-way stop. That I can understand. But when the lights change between working and blinking and you don't have the smarts to look at the light and other drivers before going into the intersection, you clearly don't have common sense and I am going to call you stupid. There were at least two dozen chances for accidents in the five minutes we were at that intersection. The only reason why there weren't any accidents is because of the few people who did actually have some common sense and looked before going any further. 

Common sense says to follow the arrows. Too many times have I almost been in an accident or killed in a parking lot because someone is too stupid to follow the arrows that show the right way to go or has no patience and cuts through rather than going around, like they're supposed to. Seriously people, go the correct way and don't cut corners. 

Common sense will save your life. Think before you act. Think about what you want to do. Will it keep you safe? Does it make sense? Will it or could it hurt someone else? Use that brain that God placed in your head. It's there for a reason. 

To Be an Insomniac

Insomnia is no fun. Having to deal with it all of my life hasn't been fun, especially in high school. Still being an insomniac with a baby is twice as much not fun. 

On average I get about 3-4 hours of sleep on a good night. Most nights I only get 2 hours of sleep. Lately (as in the past two weeks), it has seemed like even less. And (gratefully) I can not blame it on my Little Bug not sleeping through the night because he has been sleeping through the night for most of his short life. 

As long as I can remember, I have not had a good relationship with sleep. And I have a feeling that I will never have a good relationship with sleep. There have been many nights where I got no sleep at all. Yet I have been able to function well enough. 

During a night when I can't sleep, I usually just stay in bed and toss and turn, trying to get comfortable, and think and think and think. I think about problems I have that need fixing and I usually come up with some sort of solution. I think about the good times. I think about the bad times. I play the "What would have happened if..." game. I think about my past and long for those days again. I lie there looking around the room at the shadows. To be honest I sometimes get scared, but then I remember that I'm not alone. 

I don't like being an insomniac. I didn't choose to be an insomniac. I like sleeping and I cherish every night I do actually get some sleep. I have tried everything I can come up with to be able to sleep better. Yes, I am stressed and I do what I can do let it go, but I'm a mother. Yes, sometimes I can't sleep because of pain (I'm very accident prone), but I make do and try my very best to get comfortable. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I there is something wrong mentally. Or maybe it's because I share a bed with a very tall and lanky person who LOVES to curl up into a ball and take up the majority of the space causing his knees to make contact with me many times during the night. (I love you FATMAN!) 

Or maybe I'm just not cut out to sleep. Maybe that's the way I was made. Regardless of why I can't sleep, I am grateful for the few hours I do get and I do my best to be my best and accomplish what I can. I have learned to work with little to no sleep and have grown very much accustomed to it. One day I will be able to sleep. 

This Is What A Woman Wants

...Or at least this is what I want. 

All a woman wants is a guy who will listen and not try to fix things, occasionally. 

The reason why women go to their woman best friend when there is a problem is because that friend will listen and.... Well that's it. And often that is all that is needed. Just a listening ear to hear about all that is troubling at the moment. 

Just because we have problems in our lives doesn't mean we want or need all of them fixed. One problem that men have is that when they hear that something is broken (literally or metaphorically) they instantly feel the need to fix it. Which is fine in some cases, but not in all cases. Emotional problems can't always be fixed. Sometimes they just need to be let out. Guys aren't much of talkers. That is fine. But we women need someone who will just listen and then the problem will be fixed. 

For example, I have an issue with my birthday this year. I won't be able to celebrate it on my actual birthday because my brother has decided to get married on that day. So I'll be spending the anniversary of the day I was born celebrating my brother and his new wife. SIDE NOTE: I am happy that my brother has found someone who will put up with him and makes him happy. I just wish they had picked a different day. That is MY day. Anyway, back to my story. When I found out that information, all I wanted to do was complain and rant about it to someone who would listen. All FATMAN! wanted to do was fix it, but his way of fixing it wasn't exactly helpful. Yes, doing the things that he suggested is probably what I should have done but it's not what I needed. I simply needed someone to just hear me out and not try to help. So I went to by best friend, EEEEEEE!!!, and just let it all out. And because she didn't try to fix it, she just listened, I felt soooo much better afterwards and I am now a little more okay with what's going on. 

Guys, take it from me, listen and feel out the situation before offering up ways to "fix" the issue. If you aren't sure what to do, it's okay to ask "Do you want me to fix this?" or "What can I do to help you?"

Ladies, have patience with the guys. I know it's easier said than done sometimes (I've been there and done that) but it truly does help. Also, be clear about your needs. 

Are You Four Years Old?

Call me a snob, but I am an educated woman and I know how to speak and write; and yes, I will correct your grammar. It may be silently, but I promise you that I am doing it. 

I look at articles (on- and off-line), text messages, and Facebook posts and I just cringe. Today's society has become so lazy and one way to prove it is by reading anything written by the average person. You will find common words misspelled, punctuation left out, incorrect words used, and/or not even full words and numbers being used as letters and words (thank you text language. NOT!). It is very upsetting to people who actually use the education and knowledge they have received. 

The thing that bothers me the most is status updates and emails sent from phones and tablets with auto-correct and word prediction. More often than not there are "predicted" words used instead of the intended words. More often than not there are many misspelled words because the user has turned off the auto-correct or has typed so many wrong letters that the device doesn't even recognize the intended word to correct to. 

Text messaging is the worse thing to ever be invented right after the language that has been created with it. Text language is the worse. Numbers are not letters and certainly not words. And leaving out letters to shorten words? What is that about? Like "thks" (or "thx"), "u," "r," "nvr," and "tht." By leaving out letters, you just look like a moron who doesn't know how to spell. Some acronyms make sense and are easy to understand, but made up acronyms are awful and should not be used at all. When did "dumbing down" the spelling of words become a thing? Luv? Wuz? Kan? Please take the effort to spell out words all the way. 

Punctuation is a life saver, especially periods. What is the point of all those years of grammar lessons in elementary school if you aren't going to use them? Sentences with periods at the end of them are much easier to read than sentences without periods. Commas are great too. I'm sure you have seen this post before: "'Let's eat, Grandma' vs 'Let's eat Grandma.'" Use punctuation and save a life, probably your own. 

One last thing, leaving whole words out does not save time. It takes anyone who is reading twice as long to figure out what the heck you are trying to say! Put in nouns. Put in adjectives. Put in verbs. But most importantly, PUT IN NOUNS! Especially when you are talking about yourself and you leave out "I" but not "am." It's stupid!

There is a reason why we are sent to school and taught things when we are growing up. We are taught to be the best people we can be. Educated people speak well. Educated people write well. Educated people use their education to sound like they have an education! Unless you are four years old, please use the grammar you have been taught.