Dear Lady Who Skinny Shamed Me

The other day I was out in public and was stopped by a women who said, "There's something wrong here." I looked around to make sure I had everything and I could see nothing "wrong". After I looked back at her confused, she continued and said, "You shouldn't look that good right after giving birth. It's just not right." She may have meant it as a compliment, but it sure as heck did not come across as one. She was not the first to comment on how well I look but the way that she said it left me feeling sick and frustrated.



Dear lady who skinny shamed me, 

Thank you for noticing me and feeling like you needed to make a comment. However, what you said was a harsh, back-handed compliment and you should have thought about what you said before saying it. 

There is nothing "wrong" with me. So what if I've lost almost all of the baby weight two months after giving birth? What business is it of yours? 

You have no idea what I felt like when I was pregnant. You have no idea how uncomfortable I was in my pregnant body. You have no idea how much I am negative about my appearance, especially during and after pregnancy. 

Did you know that I had no tearing during delivery? Did you know I was given permission by my doctor to start working out as soon as I felt up to it? No, you didn't! Why? Because you didn't ask how I was. You didn't even sign up or offer to help me after I got home from the hospital. In fact, all you have said to me after delivery is that there is "something wrong" with how good I look after delivery. 

About 90% of the weight I gained while pregnant was all baby. I got sick with food poisoning about halfway through my pregnancy and lost a lot of the extra weight I had gained at that point. Then afterwards, I tried to eat healthy and do whatever exercise I could manage to help me not gain too much weight. So after delivery, I didn't have a ton of weight to lose, mostly just loose skin to tighten. After a few weeks, I was finally getting the energy to work out and Kickboxer was on a schedule where I found the time to get in a ten minute work out and start feeling more comfortable in my skin again. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I still have a pouch. I can still see many of my stretch marks. My butt and thighs are bigger than I wish they were. I have love handles. And I still have loose skin. But I am working on it, because I want to feel like me again. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. 

I'm not working out because I am vain. I'm not working out for my husband. I'm working out for me. I want to better myself. And if wanting to better myself and feel comfortable is what's "wrong" with me, you need to reevaluate your life and what you think "right" and "wrong" is. 

So, thank you for noticing me, but no thank you.

Sincerely, 
Sarah

Today Was a Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Today I almost didn't get out of bed.

Today I yelled at my kids.
Today I was exhausted beyond belief from lack of sleep.

Today I sat on the couch and played on my phone.

Today I didn't want to hold my baby.

Today I had thoughts that I am ashamed of.

Today I didn't care if my toddler threw a fit.

Today I just let my baby scream.

Today I wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed.

Today I felt nothing.

Today I felt anger.

Today I just wanted to scream.
Today I have barely eaten.

Today I didn't want to be a mom.

Today I wanted my old life.

Today I wanted to run away.

Today I hid myself.

Today I didn't care about anything.

Today I cried.

Today my demons got the better of me.

Today was a bad day.

But tomorrow is a new day!

Tomorrow I have the chance to be better than I was today.

Tomorrow can be completely different.

Tomorrow hasn't been stained with negativity yet.

Tomorrow is a clean slate.

Tomorrow is a new chance.

Tomorrow could be a good day.

Tomorrow could be a great day!

Tomorrow I could defeat my demons.

Tomorrow I could be happy.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As you know, I recently gave birth to my second son. And as many of you know, with my first son I got hit with a mild case of postpartum depression when he turned 8 months old. I wish I could say the same thing again, but I'd be lying. This time around it's hit me much earlier and harder. But this time around I have gotten help sooner. I still have my bad days, but I can handle them a little bit easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that if today is a bad day, if yesterday was a bad day, if I've had many bad days in a row, tomorrow is a new day to try again. 

A Blessing Amid Chaos

Baby Kickboxer has made his debut! He's about three weeks old and FATMAN! and I are absolutely in love with him. Though he has warmed up to a baby being in the house, Squid still doesn't fully know what to think about Kickboxer or being a big brother. 

But the way that Kickboxer made his debut is one for the books. If I hadn't been there and witnessed it myself, I wouldn't believe it happened like this. 

First, a little back story: My labor and delivery with the Squid was quite easy, typical, and had very little problems. I was able to labor through the contractions with breathing techniques and relaxing in the tub. I did not get an epidural (but I was asking for it at the end when it was too late). I had to have my waters broken by the doctor. Squid decided to start coming before I was fully dilated and I ended up pushing for two hours. I tore a little bit and needed 4 stitches. For it being my first labor and delivery, it was good and much better than I expected it to be. 

My labor and delivery with Kickboxer was completely different. It was hard. It was ugly. 
My water broke at 3 am when I rolled over in bed after FATMAN! bumped me when he rolled over. I immediately sat up getting my bed all wet and woke FATMAN! up then jumped to action to get everything together and ready to go to the hospital. As soon as the sitter arrived to stay with Squid until my parents arrived, FATMAN! and I were off. 

As soon as we got to my room and somewhat settled, I was told my water had indeed broken (they tested just to be sure) and that I was only dilated 1 cm. It was going to be a while before Kickboxer arrived. Both FATMAN! and I did our best to relax and rest while contractions started and progressed. By the time the nurses rotated 3 hours after we arrived, I was dilated to 3 cm and my contractions were all over the place.

My new nurse suggested I lay on my side to help move contractions along. So I did... and my contractions sure did come closer together, but they also became more and more intense as time passed. I did my best to manage the pain, but as time went on and my contractions became unbearable, I started to cry and started to ask for an epidural, which I had planned on not doing. After about an hour and a half of crying and asking but being torn with making a final decision, I gave in and told FATMAN! that I wanted an epidural. Which was perfect timing because my nurse had just come in to check on things again. I told the nurse my decision and after checking the progress (I was dilated to 5 cm), she went and got the anesthesiologist. He was super nice and quite funny. It took about 20 minutes for the epidural to start working, but once it kicked in and my pain started to subside, FATMAN! left to get lunch and I rested. Within an hour, I was starting to feel much better and fell asleep for about an hour. 

The next few hours were quite uneventful. FATMAN! and I sat and laid around watching TV and checked in with my parents who had come up to help with the Squid. Progression had slowed so I was put on oxytocin around 3:30-ish and I was rolled onto my side yet again. Nearing the end of labor, I started feeling pressure from my contractions and a kick here and there from Kickboxer, but other than that, nothing exciting happened. 

And then at about 5:20 (I honestly don't know, I'm guesstimating) I felt this odd feeling near my hip. The best way I can explain it is that it felt like a fluttery kick (when you first start feeling your baby moving around inside you at the beginning of pregnancy). I thought it was odd, but didn't think anything else about it. Then I felt the exact same thing a minute later.... then thirty seconds later. It was after that third time that I told FATMAN! to go get my nurse. Instead of doing what I said, he came to the other side of my bed to check on my contractions on the monitor. When he saw that nothing was wrong, he turned towards the door and saw a bulge under the sheet that wasn't quite right. He said something to the effect of "He's here" and ran out the door. I immediately threw back the sheet just in time to see Kickboxer's butt and legs emerge. At that sight I was overcome with many emotions: relief that it was finally over, happiness that I didn't have to push at all let alone two hours, fear because he was bluer than Squid when he was born and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his body (and the sheet didn't clear his head), and awe and wonderment (possibly a little shock). 

My nurse, the baby nurse, and an extra nurse all came rushing in with FATMAN! at the caboose. A fourth nurse went to the room next to mine to get my doctor (who didn't believe at first that I had delivered without his assistance) and he came in a minute later. While one nurse was taking care of Kickboxer and another one was taking care of me, my doctor, FATMAN!, and I were trying to figure out what had happened. My doctor has the theory that Kickboxer was in a bad position all during labor and then he finally rolled over and just slid right now. At the same time as we were discussing the miracle, I was waiting to hear my son cry. It must have only been about a minute, but it felt like forever to me. The nurse said that he had extra fluid in his passageways and that was what caused him to have a hard time breathing at first. Still the pediatrician put us on house arrest for a few days because of it. But as soon as he did cry, my fear subsided and I was so happy to know that my son was healthy. 

It's been an interesting and rough three weeks since then. Kids change everything. When one of those kids is a terrible two and the other is a newborn, hardly anything stays clean or gets done all at once, especially now that FATMAN! is back to his normal work schedule. I manage. Some days I go to bed tired and weary. Other days I go to bed exhausted because I've been up since before the sun with no break or rest. Some days I wonder why I even wanted children in the first place. And then Squid says the cutest thing and Kickboxer smiles while sleeping in my arms. It's the small things that make it worth all the crazy and stressful times. 

I Wish...

I wish I could go back to simpler times.
When I didn't have to worry about what time it was and when I need to feed the Squid next.
When I didn't have to worry about keeping an entire house clean, but only a room. 
When I wasn't changing diapers and clothing (Squid's and mine) constantly. 
When I didn't have to juggle a wiggly baby. 
When I didn't have to worry about how much food I am producing. 
When I could go to the bathroom exactly when I need instead of waiting until Squid is content. 
When love was young and innocent and silly. 
When I only had to pack for one instead of two.
When there were inside jokes.
When I only needed my keys, wallet, phone, pants. 
When I had a job that I loved and looked forward to. 
When there were movie nights. 
When there were spontaneous hang outs.
When there was The Chronicles of Starnia. 
When there were friends who were my age.
When those friends were going through the same thing I was.
When I could call someone up and immediately jump in the car and go hang out. 
When I didn't have to constantly worry about money. 
When I could be a kid even though I was a teenager because I didn't care. 
When I didn't have to wonder who my friends were. 
When there was always a furry happy pup waiting for me at home. 
When friends would call up and say, "Let's go do something!" and I could.
When I didn't have to pack a diaper bag before leaving the house. 
When my arms, shoulders, and back didn't hurt all the time. 
When we went to the park at 10:00 at night and threw our cares away. 
When I didn't have to always bite my tongue.
When dates were just plain fun instead of long, intricate planning to make it perfect. 
When I could take my time getting up in the morning. 
When I could read any time I wanted because I had the time. 
When I didn't have to worry about compromise or sacrifice. 
When I wasn't so angry or frustrated all the time. 
When I didn't have melt downs because I didn't feel noticed. 
When I didn't always have doubt. 
When I didn't have so much responsibility. 
Can we go back to those times?

"Beauty and the Clockwork Beast" Book Review

"Jane Eyre meets Beauty and the Beast in a Steampunk Proper Romance"

(From the backcover of the book)

One of my favorite things to do is to read, but since I became a mother over two years ago, I find it hard to find time to read. And then I find it even harder to find a book that I like enough to read all the way through to the end. That definitely was not the case with Beauty and the Clockwork Beast by Nancy Campbell Allen. I made time to read, read when I knew that Squid was occupied enough, and read every night before going to sleep. To put it simply: I COULDN'T PUT THIS BOOK DOWN!!!

Let's start with a little back story: On August 4th I received and email from Deseret Bookshelf (like I do often) with the above description as the subject line. I immediately opened it and read the following synopsis: 

When Lucy Pickett arrives at Blackwell Manor to tend to her ailing cousin, Kate, she finds more than she bargained for. A restless ghost roams the hallways, werewolves have been reported in the area, and vampires luck across the Scottish boarder. 

Lord Miles himself is clearly hiding a secret. He is brash and inhospitable and does not take kindly to visitors - even one as smart and attractive as Miss Pickett. He is unsettled by the mysterious deaths of his new wife, Clara, and his sister, Marie. Could Miles himself be to blame for their deaths?

Working together, Miles and Lucy attempt to restore peace to Blackwell Manor. But can Lucy solve the mystery of Miles? Can she love the man - beast and all?

Talk about an attention grabber! I then read it aloud to FATMAN! who also took immediate interest. There's just one thing that held us both back... it's a romance novel. I loathe romance novels (and movies), unless they are romantic comedies. I have always thought that romance novels give a false illusion as to what love is and have always steered away from them. But I kept reading the synopsis over and over again and finally made a decision that if I ever got the chance, I would buy a copy and at least give it a chance. Two days later I found myself in Deseret Book searching for the book, opening it to the middle to test the writing style of Nancy Campbell Allen (I haven't read anything else by her), and rushing to the counter to buy it. I then read the first chapter aloud on the trip home. I would have read more but my throat had started to get rough and I was running out of water. I read a couple of more chapters and then had to put the book on pause when the last of the N.E.R.D.S. book came in special order through the library. BUT as soon as I finished N.E.R.D.S., I immediately jumped back into Beauty and the Clockwork Beast.

I honestly don't even know where to begin! I LOVE this book! I love everything about it, even the romance. There's supernatural elements, Steampunk technology and fashion (which I'm starting to get into), two murder mysteries to solve (yes, that's a small spoiler), and action! Oh my goodness, I was happily surprised at the little bit of action that was in it. But what I think I love the most are the two main characters, Lucy Pickett and Lord Miles Blake, and the transition they make from being so independent to needing to rely on each other and the vulnerability and frustration that comes with feeling true love, despite obvious flaws. 

I love that this book is a "proper romance" and that it's very clean in general. There's no sex, no descriptive nudity (but nudity is mentioned in general when absolutely necessary), there is one very mild swear word, and there's no rude or vulgar jokes, stories, sayings of any kind at all from any of the characters. This is a truly clean and proper romance novel, even if the romance part of it is not the forefront of the story. 

The mystery and supernatural elements are the biggest part of the book and that's what really drew me in and made me want to keep reading even when I had responsibilities to tend to, Little Bug to take care of, needed sleep, etc. It really was a sacrifice and took a great amount of effort for me to tear myself away from the book to go do things. I had to keep it in the other room (out of sight, out of mind) to keep myself from reading all day long. Ghosts, werewolves, vampires, and mediums are everywhere you turn while reading. And I like the take on vampires that Nancy Campbell Allen writes. Vampires being able to walk and live among regular people with help from an illegal medicine. They can turn into mists of black and travel quickly. They have a great ability of strength and to see in the dark. The werewolves she describes are just as impressive with their heightened senses, even in human form, the build and strength of the creatures, even the personalities of the creatures in wolf and human forms and how they relate to each other. But wait until you meet the ghost who is haunting Blackwell Manor! Oh, the description, the horror, the excitement!

I think I'm going to stop here because I feel like if I keep going, I will spoil everything. A small word of caution: this book is a little intense. If you don't like being sucked in and wondering in excitement and (a little bit of) fear, DO NOT pick up this book! I guarantee that your interest will be grabbed and held onto until you finish the last word. I highly recommend Beauty and the Clockwork Beast by Nancy Campbell Allen to anyone who loves a good book. If I didn't already have another book in my possession lined up to read next (and FATMAN! didn't want to read it), I would have immediately flipped back to the beginning and started it all over in a heartbeat.

And I haven't even mentioned the amazing Steampunk technology and fashion. I just love the detail that is given for the different outfits, transportation, and tools. 

N.E.R.D.S. Series Book Review

A little over a year ago, I found a book called NERDS at Goodwill. I read the synopsis on the back and immediately had to get it. After finishing the book I was reading at the time, I started reading it and fell in love with it right away.

The National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society (or NERDS for short) series is written by Michael Buckley for kids ages 8-11 (geared more towards boys). There are 5 books in the entire series and it follows 5 elementary age kids who are given "upgrades" to help fight against all sorts of villains to save the world. 

Each of the books follows each of the 5 members of the NERDS team and gives you an insight to what it's like to live a life being a secret spy at the age of 11 years old and what their different superpowers are capable of. From eating and secreting glue to super allergies to braces that can form anything, the superpowers that these kids were "upgraded" with are truly ingenious! I loved the creativity that Michael Buckley comes up with. All of the different superpowers, gadgets, headquarters are all completely different from what you may have seen in other spy movies, TV shows, books, etc. 

And the villains! They are just as imaginative as the superpowers. There's a boy who dresses up as and lives with squirrels who have been trained to become his army. There's another villain who has moved up the criminal chain from goon to villain who wears a ski mask with a skull on it who just wants things done correctly the first time he asks. A boy who goes into an alternate universe and comes back as a big head who can destroy the world with just a thought. And those are just a few. There are MANY more villains as you keep reading the books. They are all obsessed with taking over the world and the way they plan on doing it is hilarious. 

But what I love the most about these books is that every few chapters Michael Buckley has a different challenge that every NERDS agent had to go through in order to qualify and become a spy. There are physical challenges, mental challenges, situational challenges and they are all ridiculously fun! 

If your son (and/or you) are looking for a fun, imaginative, spy series, I highly recommend the NERDS series by Michael Buckley. 

Order of the books:

NERDS: National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society

NERDS: M is for Mama's Boy

NERDS: The Cheerleaders of Doom

NERDS: The Villain Virus

NERDS: Attack of the Bullies

The Golden Rule of Marriage

Every newly wed couple is told "Don't go to bed mad". I've dubbed this the golden rule of marriage because it is told to everyone! 

But what about other emotions? What about going to bed upset? Or disappointed? Or feeling guilty? Depressed? Frustrated? 

A few nights ago I went to bed mad, absolutely fuming. I hardly slept. Even though I'm at the last leg of my pregnancy, I didn't sleep because I was so mad and hurt. I couldn't not dwell on what was said and it kept me up most of the night. When I did sleep, it was not restful. The next day I was groggy, felt icky, and just wanted to go back to bed to sleep, but I was able to get past letting the madness fill me. Am I still mad about what happened? Yes, but it doesn't matter anymore because I've done all I can to remove myself from the problem. 

The other night, I went to bed upset and feeling a little guilty, even though I was not at fault. I ended up staying up later than I normally do, but that didn't really help with shedding the feelings I had. Because of the other night when I went to bed mad, I took a sleeping aid right before bed and was out as soon as I got comfortable (which is hard with a baby bouncing around inside you). I slept through most of the night, but the next morning I still felt upset and guilty. I have done nothing wrong and yet the situation that presented itself has rocked me. It will certainly take more time for me to come out of this one. 

There have been many nights where I have gone to bed sad and/or depressed. Not the best option, but at least I can sleep when that happens. And in the morning I usually feel a lot better about whatever happened. 

So, maybe the rule should change to "Don't go to bed if you know you aren't going to sleep well." Or maybe you should just sleep elsewhere so that you don't keep your spouse up all night with you. I hate this "rule" because no one is perfect and even talking things out doesn't always work. Sometimes you just have to go to bed mad, frustrated, sad, depressed, upset, or otherwise because there's nothing that will instantly make everything better. 

No, I Haven't Fallen Off the Face of the Earth

My dear readers, 

I just want to quickly say thank you for reading my blog and no, I haven't fallen off the planet. I have simply (dang pregnancy brain) forgotten that I have this blog. But I have also been busy. July brought on a couple of trips home, false alarms about labor, frustration, heat, and overall craziness. 

The Squid (now being just a few weeks from his birthday) has decided to become a full on Terrible Two Toddler before his second birthday. He's been very disobedient and rebellious and, frankly, I don't know how much more I can handle! It's crazy how my sweet little angel is now so picky, says no to everything, and doesn't listen to me. So that's been frustrating. 

My sister got married in the middle of July. That was interesting to say the least. Let's just say that I'm glad it wasn't my wedding, but I wish that certain people had minded the schedule that was put together (though one incident was my fault), especially when it came to eating food. It was good, but things did not go smoothly. But it was great to have some time off from work (both FATMAN! and I) and to just relax after all of the chaos with my family. 

Then work started up afterwards again. I love my "job" as a Jamberry consultant. I truly do, but everything has its ups and downs and July was a small down after April, May, and June. (Things are already looking up for August!) So that was a little bit of a bummer, but not quite as frustrating and/or stressful as it was for FATMAN!. He manages the store that he works in and summer is the busiest time of the year. So he (and I) prefer to have as many employees in the store as possible during summer. At the end of June, the assistant manager took a different job and moved away. It was a great opportunity for the assistant manager, but that left FATMAN! one employee short. AND he isn't getting a replacement for another couple of weeks. So he's gone all of July missing his assistant manager and he's had to pick up hours, clean up any messes caused by other employees, and do the manager and assistant manager responsibilities. He has definitely been stressed and run ragged. I am so grateful that he has sacrificed so much so that I can stay home with the kids. 

Speaking of kids, Storm, our puppy, has also become a brat. And I'm going to leave it at that for the sake of lengthy blog posts. 

Then a couple of weeks after my sister's wedding, I had the opportunity presented to me to go to a meeting at Jamberry Home Office. So I convinced FATMAN! to make the drive again to my parents' house and I was able to go to a very wonderful and much needed meeting. I got training, motivation, new ideas, and I got to go with my sister in law! It was great! (Not to mention the free and discounted stuff I got.)

On top of all of these events, it's summer. It's hot and miserable. On top of that, I'm near the end of my pregnancy. I hate summer in general. I hate being hot and sweaty and exhausted. This is my second summer pregnancy and I knew what to expect as far as pregnant in summer goes, but I never thought this time around would be harder to cope with. I thought my little angel would stay an angel a little bit longer, I didn't think my unborn son would cause me so much pain and worry (referring to the false alarm labor scare I mentioned earlier), and I certainly didn't expect that my husband would be so much busier and more stressed from work and other things in our lives. I am just over 7 weeks away from my due date. It's going to be the longest 7 weeks of the summer. I can say that with confidence because this whole summer has been LONG! I hate being pregnant in summer and I will never do it again, but I can't wait to meet my little boy. 

Sorry for going on a ranting spree. I just needed to get it out in a different form. Thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully, I'll remember to post more often until D day. 

When in Doubt, Stop and Think

Just a quick thought for you all today. 

The past few weeks have been hard for me for many different reasons and last night I had a moment when I thought I was going to lose my baby. But something told me not to jump to the worse case scenario. After that one thought, I stopped and thought. I thought about my first pregnancy and what I had been told and had read. The only think I could think of at the time was to rest and wait an hour. If things got worse, I would go to the hospital. If things got better, I wouldn't bother and just take things easy for the rest of the night. Had I jumped to conclusions and went to the hospital like my first thoughts were, I would have wasted so many people's time and would have been charged money that I don't have. Instead, I rested at home where I was most comfortable and everything got better.

This made me think about how many times people just jump to conclusions and/or action when they really should stop and think before reacting. There are some instances where immediately jumping to action is better than hesitating, but as I was thinking about some of the experiences I've had lately, I (or others) could have handled the situations better if we had just stopped and thought about what was going on before reacting and potentially causing more problems. 

So, word of advice: when in doubt, stop and think. It could make things so much better. 

Utopia: Is It Even Possible?

***WARNING: There are spoiler alerts about The Giver in this blog post.***

*BACK STORY* About a year and a half ago (maybe even more), FATMAN! and I read The Giver by Lois Lowry; he for the second time, me for the first. And I absolutely loved it! Shortly after finishing The Giver, I discovered that it wasn't a stand alone book. It's part of a quartet series. So I immediately sought after the rest of the books and read them all. (I highly recommend all four books, especially if you want to find out what happens to Jonas.) FATMAN! on the other hand read other books. He is now reading the second book, Gathering Blue, and he and I had an interesting conversation. So interesting that I am going to share what we discovered together. 

First, what is utopia? According to what popped up when I googled "utopia definition," it is "an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect." So basically, a perfect place where nothing bad or negative happens. Sounds wonderful, right? No illnesses, no accidents, nothing harmful would ever happen, no one would fight, nothing negative would ever be said (or even thought), etc. 

In a good story, you have to have a conflict or problem of some kind, even in a utopia. In The Giver, the conflict is a secret. The government body of "the Elders" genetically manipulate everything in their community to create the utopia that they oversee. But the secret and the manipulation are negative things that are happening. So doesn't this override the Utopian concept? Doesn't it automatically turn the community into a tyranny? But the residents are unaware about the secrets and manipulation (or at least they are unaware of all of the secrets and manipulation) and believe in the utopia. So FATMAN! and I concluded that no matter what, secrets are needed in any kind of utopia to hide even the harsh truths from the residents, but because secrets are considered to be a negative thing, and utopia can't have any negativity, utopia is a paradox. You can't have utopia, a perfect world, without some secrecy. 

Thus turning the utopia in The Giver into a dystopia, but no one knows any better. A dystopia is "an imagined place or state in which everything is unpleasant or bad, typically a totalitarian or environmentally degraded one." Or in other words, a place and people that is under extreme control, even by fear, but the leaders are trying to make life perfect. For example Hunger Games and the Empire in Star Wars. The main difference between a utopia and a dystopia is that the residents in a utopia society are happy and the residents in a dystopia are angry and powerless. I'm sure that if Lois Lowry had gone back to the community after Jonas leaves, there would be proof of the dystopia. (For those who have not read it, I will not describe anymore and let you read for yourself.) But the community in Gathering Blue is definitely a dystopia. All of the people are miserable and scared of any unknown territory because the Elders have spread lies about horrible beasts. What's worse is the truth that the lie is covering for. (Again, for those who haven't read the book yet, I won't spoil it for you.) The people in Gathering Blue are told what to do and when their entire lives. And because they know that if they were to stray from the rules, they will be in danger from whatever lives beyond the boundaries of the village. They don't know any better so they give in to the fear that has been created for them without much proof. 

If you were to ask me, I would say that dystopia is possible. It's also called tyranny. Throughout history there have been many people who believe they can use fear to make others do their will and become obedient and submissive. But what about a utopia? Is it possible to achieve a true utopia? I say not in this world. To achieve a true utopia there can't be any secrets or cover-ups. There can't be any fear and no negativity of any kind at all. There has to be perfection. And for this to happen, there can't be any humans. Humanity and the nature of man will always prevent us from having any kind of perfection in this life. But I believe that whatever waits for us after death will be perfect, will be a utopia. 

So I guess we will have to keep reading about utopian situations in books until we reach the day when we actually get to experience it. Just imagine living in a perfect world with no fear, no harm, no lies, no doubts, no sorrow, nothing negative whatsoever. That would be heaven. That would be utopia. 

Sharing is Caring, Except When It's Rude

Before I get into this post, let me just say that I am not a mysophobic, a clean freak, or an over protective mom. 

I'm sure the majority (if not all of us) have heard the phrase "Sharing is caring." But sometimes sharing is just plain rude and inconsiderate. 

Twice in the past two months my family and I have been exposed to germs, illness, and misery. And all because parents don't have the common sense to keep their sick kids at home! Has common sense really died so much that if we are miserable with illnesses that we have to go out into public and share with others? Has it really come to that?

I understand that we have been commanded to attend church, but what people forget is that we are commanded to attend church when we are able. If you are sick, that means you can stay home. In my opinion, it means you should stay home. And not just from church. Stay home from everything: school, stores, parks, libraries, etc. If you and/or your kids are sick, be considerate and STAY HOME! 

If you must get out of the house, at least try to lessen the spread of the germs. Cough and sneeze into your elbow (to give it a cool name the "vampire" maneuver). Wash your hands as often as you can and ALWAYS after using the bathroom. Use anti-bacterial wipes on public items you have touched (i.e. shopping carts). But most important of all: teach your children to cover their mouths and noses! You actually can teach your young child to cover up. I know I am trying to teach the Squid, who is 20 months old. It's a matter of time, patience, and persistence. 

Please do everyone a favor and stay home when you are sick. Please do everyone a favor and keep your child(ren) home when they are sick. Have some common sense and courtesy! It just may save lives, like your own because the next time I'm sneezed on and chewed food goes into my hair, I'm going over to the person's house and going to sneeze, cough, and hack up a lung all over everything. Stop being gross and take care of yourself or your kid at home until you all are better and then go out into public and among other people. 

I'm Living One of My Nightmares

I am once again pregnant. I am currently 20 weeks and 6 days along. Tomorrow I (hopefully) find out for sure if this baby is a girl or another boy. But being pregnant isn't my nightmare. 

It's EVERYTHING ELSE! 

When I was pregnant with the Squid, I had a very easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, hardly any cramping, no round ligament pain, very little leg cramps, etc. I didn't really look pregnant until I was about 25-ish weeks pregnant. (Until that point I just looked like I was gaining weight.) And my active labor was only 11 hours. (I was in labor for a week, but Squid took his time coming.) The only complaint I had was that I was huge during summer, which made me twice as uncomfortable as I normally am during summer. 

This pregnancy is completely different. I had morning sickness, I'm cramping like crazy, round ligament pain is becoming more common, I feel huge even though I'm not, and I'm extremely aggressive. Oh! AND I have pregnancy brain like crazy! If I don't write something down (specifically on my calendar), I will forget completely. Sometimes I can't even remember what I did 10 minutes ago. And on top of all of that, I have a toddler and a puppy. I must be crazy for thinking that I could handle all of this at the same time. I know for sure that I am going crazy from trying to juggle everything at the same time. 

The nightmare part of all of this is that I am a completely different person. I'm constantly loosing my cool and getting mad at the tiniest thing. I'm more sarcastic (not in a good or funny way) with those whom I talk to most. I have had to refrain from making certain comments in person and on social media because as much as I would rather just say it, I know it's not my character to be so mean and/or rude. I am having a hard time seeing the positive in everything; in fact, I don't even try anymore. As much as I have tried, I can't seem to let go of any frustrations, angers, or offenses. I haven't even posted on here more recently because I couldn't think of anything to talk about that would really be worth reading. 

In other words, I have done a 180 and become a person I never wanted to be. And I do blame most of it on hormones and exhaustion. I know it's not a good excuse, but I have no other to replace it with. It's not my intention to be mean, rude, or hurtful (even if I don't actually say the words I'm thinking aloud). It's hardly ever been my intention to be anything but kind and the best person I can be. But some of the time, it can't be prevented. And that's why I'm currently living a nightmare.

My Two Bits

I simply want to get my opinion out there where I know most of you will read and that's it. (And I control whose comments get published and whose doesn't.) 

Target, the store, is a monster for changing the policy to favor "transgenders." If you live under a rock and haven't heard, Target has come out and said that everyone can now go into the bathrooms and dressing rooms that they "associate with." Meaning that those men who fall under the category of "transgender" can now go into the women's bathroom and dressing room. Even though this may help and support "transgenders" and the LGBT community, it has become a threat to the rest of us, especially women and children. 

Now men can claim to be "transgender" (whether they are or not) and go into the women's bathroom and spy on them. Horrible, cruel men can now go into women's bathrooms at Target and easily get victims. By saying that "transgenders" can go into whatever bathroom they want, Target has basically said that women don't have any rights at all and has thrown all safety for their women patrons out the window. 

I honestly don't care what other people do with their lives. That is, I don't care until it effects me or my children and/or puts one of us in danger. I don't want to have to worry about going into bathroom in public because I could be raped by a man who shouldn't be in there. I don't want to be afraid of public restrooms because I could be photographed. I don't want to be afraid because I could become a victim. And I definitely don't want to be afraid because my children could get hurt, kidnapped, humiliated, etc. all because people can choose whatever bathroom they wish. 

Target has been one of my favorite stores for a long time. It did not bother me when they started their "transgender" wedding campaign. It did not bother me when they stopped splitting up toys into gender-ized sections. It does bother me that "transgenders" can now going into whatever bathroom or dressing room they wish. It bothers me because it is now a threat to me and my children. My children or I could get seriously hurt just for walking into a bathroom in Target. 

So now I say "So long, Target. You have gone too far." I will never step foot into another Target store of my own free will ever again. 

Shout Out to Single Moms

I would like to give a big shout out to all of the single moms out there. No matter what you may think, as long as you still have your children and they are fed and clothed, you are doing a great job. 

Every once in a while, FATMAN! has to go away for work and I become a single mom temporarily. But let me tell you, those few days that he is gone are the longest and hardest days of my life! And I can't even imagine what those who are definitely single moms go through all the time. It's hard! Especially with more than just the Squid now (we got a puppy).

So if you are a single mom by choice, by happenstance, by accident, because your spouse is military or works another job where he is away a lot of the time, or because you just haven't found the right guy, don't give up. You may not be the most energetic, well put together, organized, clean, heck, I'll even put presentable out there, but you are doing what you can, right? And if you are doing all that you can just to take care of and provide for your child(ren), that's all that matters and they will thank you for it one day. If you are a single mom and energetic, well put together, organized, clean, and presentable all the time, you need to share your secrets. 

I may not be a single mom all the time, but the times that FATMAN! is away makes me appreciate all you women who are making it work on your own. Go you! Keep going. You are strong, even when you feel the weakest. Keep fighting for your kids, because they make this life worth it. 

A Quick Thought

You may only live once (or YOLO as it is referred to these days), but you must remember: you only live once.

You get ONE life.

Don't waste it by being an idiot.

My Idol

It is no question of who my idol is. It's Walt Disney. I am a huge Disney fan and I absolutely love both the classic and new movies. I even did a report on Disney in 8th grade. There are many reasons why he is my idol, but the biggest reason is because he had such a good and clean vision. 

He was such an amazing man. He wanted to have fun! Anyone could say that was his philosophy. He wanted people to forget the horribleness of the world and smile. Yes, he had that one nasty habit, but he made such a family friendly name for himself that it was never publicized. He wanted to be remembered in the best way possible. And in my opinion, I don't think he could have done a better job. 

Everyone has a dream. Walt Disney is one of few men (compared to the entirety of the world) who went after his dream and made it happen. He made it happen! He did not give up. He did not accept "no" as a final answer. He kept going and pushing and asking and persisting. Had he given up there would be no Walt Disney Studios, Disney/Pixar movies, nor Disneyland or Disneyworld. There wouldn't be great movies like Brave, Tangled, Big Hero 6, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, etc. There wouldn't be amazing characters that you can meet in person! And I'm sure that the idea of being a princess wouldn't be quite so big if it weren't for Disney and what he's done with the princess image. He didn't give up on his dreams and look what we have! Look what he accomplished! Go almost anywhere in the world and you will find someone (if not MANY someones) who know who Walt Disney. 

Probably my favorite part about all of the Disney movies is that there is a lesson of some sort to be learned from every story. Just to name a few:

             -Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: Make the best of a bad situation.

             -The Little Mermaid: Don't give up a part of yourself to follow your dream. 

             -Pocahontas: Choose the right path over the easy one. 

             -Hercules: Life isn't about popularity. It's about love and sacrifice. 

There are obviously more movies and lessons/morals that I could list, but this blog post is already becoming long. If you look at every movie, you can find something to be learned. Even after Walt Disney died, everyone who has worked in the studios have made it an effort to keep his legacy living and to not blemish it, including the stories and lessons that are produced. 

So while the Disney company continues to uphold the legacy that Walt Disney set, I will always be a Disney fan. I will always want to see the next Disney film (especially the animated ones) and I will always dream of going back to Disneyland to live in the magic and happiness that is there. I will always believe in magic and fairies and happy endings. If I ever make a name for myself, my only wish is that the same good nature that is attached to the name "Disney" is applied to mine. I may never make animated movies (Heaven knows I can't draw). I may never create a wonderfully excited theme park. I may never be a visionary. BUT I will always have an imagination and be a kid at heart; and it's all because of Walt Disney. He is my idol. He is my hero. And he always will be. I only wish I could tell him that in person.

A Cure for A Bad Day

I have a board on my Pinterest account that is entitled "A Cure for a Bad Day" and recently it has proven to be so. My Squid has been having bad days or has woken up from afternoon naps in absolute hysterics and there has been only one thing that will calm him down: Looking at the pins on the above mentioned Pinterest board. So, I would like to share with you some of the images that the two of us see when I open the board. 

WARNING: Cuteness overload past this line.

To view more pictures and/or articles to brighten your day, go to https://www.pinterest.com/swheels35/a-cure-for-a-bad-day/

So Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

No, I'm not about to break (further) into song. I just couldn't think of a better title. :) 

Communication is when two (or more) people talk and listen to each other. It's as simple as that! So why is it so hard? Especially in relationships?! Why is it that we as humans want well working relationships (no matter what kind) but can't seem to understand how communication works?

Here is how it works (in a perfect world): Person A talks while Person B listens. Then Person B talks while Person A listens. Persons A or B may ask questions to clarify what the other is talking about or to move the conversation along. No interruptions are allowed. Everyone gets to say what they need to say. No judgment. No rude and/or hurtful remarks. No "one-overing" the other person. Everyone just simply talks thoroughly and listens thoroughly. 

SO WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?! Why doesn't it happen? 

I don't understand why communication is such a rarity these days. You hear everywhere that "communication is the key" in a healthy relationship. I agree that it is one of the keys. It is one thing that helps a relationship grow and become strong. I also say that complete communication is not always necessary. There are some things that shouldn't be shared. There are some things that work out better when kept to oneself. 

I'm more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations. I've always been the quiet one who doesn't speak up unless needed, strongly prompted, or fully comfortable in the current situation. I stutter over my words when I'm nervous or frustrated. (Or excited, but that's a different story.) So I don't like to speak (mostly in public) unless I have to. I've always been the one in the background listening and trying to understand. But when I know I can help, I speak up. Sadly, my help is not always heard or understood and that's when things get complicated. 

Ladies, please don't get offended by this next part because it is true at least once in a while. We females don't always express what we want. We don't always say what's on our minds. We don't tell our significant other what we want from them. We just assume that they can read our minds and other "subtle" hints and clues. Guess what: it doesn't work that way! Just because our girl-friends (sometimes) can read our minds and know exactly what we want doesn't mean that our partners do too. We need to calmly tell our husbands, boyfriends, life partners what we need from them. Even if it's to pick something up off the floor because you can't bend over for one reason or another. And be clear. Tell him exactly what you want. If you can't do that, do it yourself. 

Men, your turn not to be offended. Guys, you need to talk. You need to tell us about what's bothering you, what you need help with, and what you want! Women may be mind readers and know what's going through your head, but we like to hear it from you. Also, actually talk! No one or two word answers. Use at least 6 words when answering a question. It would also help if you paid complete attention when talking with us or to us. If you are in the middle of a videogame and you are trying to talk with me, I'm not going to be taking you seriously and I'd be a little shocked if any woman did. When communicating, full undivided attention is extremely helpful. 

Can we please all take the time to communicate properly with each other? If you want attention, say you want attention. If you want food, say "I'm hungry. Will you please make me ___?" If you want to go to bed, say it. If you want to go somewhere, say it! Are you catching my drift? SAY IT!!! Talk with people. Listen to people. And having a filter between your brain and mouth wouldn't hurt either. Let's have better communication and save each other some headaches and heartaches.