I am once again pregnant. I am currently 20 weeks and 6 days along. Tomorrow I (hopefully) find out for sure if this baby is a girl or another boy. But being pregnant isn't my nightmare.
It's EVERYTHING ELSE!
When I was pregnant with the Squid, I had a very easy pregnancy. No morning sickness, hardly any cramping, no round ligament pain, very little leg cramps, etc. I didn't really look pregnant until I was about 25-ish weeks pregnant. (Until that point I just looked like I was gaining weight.) And my active labor was only 11 hours. (I was in labor for a week, but Squid took his time coming.) The only complaint I had was that I was huge during summer, which made me twice as uncomfortable as I normally am during summer.
This pregnancy is completely different. I had morning sickness, I'm cramping like crazy, round ligament pain is becoming more common, I feel huge even though I'm not, and I'm extremely aggressive. Oh! AND I have pregnancy brain like crazy! If I don't write something down (specifically on my calendar), I will forget completely. Sometimes I can't even remember what I did 10 minutes ago. And on top of all of that, I have a toddler and a puppy. I must be crazy for thinking that I could handle all of this at the same time. I know for sure that I am going crazy from trying to juggle everything at the same time.
The nightmare part of all of this is that I am a completely different person. I'm constantly loosing my cool and getting mad at the tiniest thing. I'm more sarcastic (not in a good or funny way) with those whom I talk to most. I have had to refrain from making certain comments in person and on social media because as much as I would rather just say it, I know it's not my character to be so mean and/or rude. I am having a hard time seeing the positive in everything; in fact, I don't even try anymore. As much as I have tried, I can't seem to let go of any frustrations, angers, or offenses. I haven't even posted on here more recently because I couldn't think of anything to talk about that would really be worth reading.
In other words, I have done a 180 and become a person I never wanted to be. And I do blame most of it on hormones and exhaustion. I know it's not a good excuse, but I have no other to replace it with. It's not my intention to be mean, rude, or hurtful (even if I don't actually say the words I'm thinking aloud). It's hardly ever been my intention to be anything but kind and the best person I can be. But some of the time, it can't be prevented. And that's why I'm currently living a nightmare.
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