I grew up in the Salt Lake Valley in Utah. Born and raised. That will always be my home no matter where I am.
Six months after I got married, my husband got a job promotion that also transferred him to Jackson, WY. That's over 300 miles and 5 hours by car away from Salt Lake. The farthest I have ever lived away from my family and friends. I was extremely nervous and scared out of my wits. I was leaving my home and going to a place I had never been, where I didn't know anyone, and where I couldn't just jump in the car and drive down the street to see my family or friends. I also left behind my job and my students. I also left behind all the shopping places I did my shopping at, of course I didn't find that out until after I moved. I left everything behind. Of course, my husband did too, but this wasn't the first time he had lived away from family and friends.
I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to make any friends. I was scared that I wouldn't like the place we were moving to. I was scared that I wouldn't fit in with anyone else. I was scared of what everyone else would think of me. I was scared of being so far away from people I knew and loved. I was afraid of losing friends we were leaving behind. I was afraid of not being happy.
And for the first six months, I wasn't happy. I was having issues making friends. I wasn't finding a job. I was running out of ideas of what to do at home to keep me busy, and one can only clean so many times. All I did all day was sit around, watch Netflix, sometimes read, and mope around the apartment. I didn't get out except when Chad picked me up after work to go grocery shopping or just to take the deposit from work. (I learned later that the bus was free and started exploring the town.) I was miserable and often had a meltdown.
Moving is hard on me for more than one reason, the biggest being that I am shy. But it means leaving behind everything you know, good or bad, for something unknown. There is always the fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing whether something is going to be good or bad or cold or familiar or what. And even though I like trying new things and having new adventures, moving seems to be too big of an unknown adventure. That terrifies me, especially when I don't have anyone to go discover the unknown with. (Chad worked all day long and was tired by the end of the day.) I'm not good with doing things on my own.
But after a while in the new place, you start to adjust and feel comfortable. You start remembering where your favorite places are and where the important places are. You start getting familiar with the way the town works, the people move, traffic, etc. You discover the best times to go to certain places. You know where to avoid, where the best place to stand to see the street performers is, and what is happening around town. You become a member of the town.
And then two and a half years later you move again and start the process of adjusting all over again. But this time it's a little easier to adjust because you know exactly what to expect and how to make the adjustment. Even though the next move is easier, it is still hard to leave behind the new home and friends you made. However, somehow you know that no matter where you go, you will be okay. Everything will work out the way they are supposed to.
January 20, 2015
January 13, 2015
Why I Almost Left the Church and Why I Stayed
I am a Mormon. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe in Jesus Christ and that he is the son of our Heavenly Father. I know that through Him and His power, Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon which is another testament of Christ. I believe we have a living prophet today. I know that we have the restored gospel here on earth once more just like when Jesus walked this earth. I know that Christ suffered so that I may be forgiven of my sins that I may return to my Heavenly Father and live with my family for eternity. I know all of this and more to be true. I have a strong testimony of these things. But even with such a strong testimony of the things I believe, I came very close to leaving the church and never going back.
When I was first married, my husband and I lived in a ward that was made up of people living in apartments. So there were a lot of older people, new families, and newly weds. There were very few children who weren't babies. The majority of the members were older and set in their traditional ways. Many of these people had it set in their mind that once a man and woman were married that they were to start a family immediately. And a lot of the older women believed that they needed to have their noses in the business of the younger women and to give them as much advice as possible on making babies.
My husband and I made a decision while we were engaged that we would wait a few years until we started a family. We prayed about it to make sure that our decision was right. We believe that the Lord is our best Guide through this life and that if we only have faith and ask for it, he will help us and guide us. Both my husband and I have learned many a time the hard way that listening and following the Lord's counsel is best. We both received the answer of "Yes, you need to wait before having children." And we were okay with that.
One Sunday at church before Relief Society, I was talking to a fellow sister who asked me if we had any children. When I answered no, she asked if we were planning on having any soon. When I answered no again, a different older sister, who had been eavesdropping, basically told me that I was going to Hell because I wasn't planning on having children soon. I sat in the back of RS for the rest of the hour using all my will to not burst into tears and then did my best to put on a smile for the kids in Primary during the second hour. And then after the sacrament was past in Sacrament Meeting, I asked if we could leave and my husband took me home where I spent the rest of the day quietly kept to myself. I didn't tell anyone what had happened for a long time. The only thing that anyone knew was going on was that I didn't want to go to church. After a little bit of time, I gave the excuse that I didn't have any friends and didn't feel welcomed at church, which was true but it wasn't the whole truth.
For weeks and weeks I dreaded going to church because I would have to face not only the one woman who voiced her thoughts about my child baring but the other women who "voiced" their thoughts and judgments in the looks they gave me. I was the one who "wasn't following the church" but still had the guts to show up each week. To be honest, the only reason I actually got out of bed and went to church each Sunday was for the kids. I loved teaching them songs, but that was the only thing I liked about church on Sundays. I knew the church was true and I believed the things I had been taught, but the women in that ward were so harsh and judgmental (which is the opposite of what we teach) that I wanted to stop going because I didn't want to have to face that hurt each week.
Luckily (and unfortunately) a couple months after the incident, my husband got a job promotion that moved us to Wyoming. I was relieved that I never had to show my face to nor deal with those women in my ward again, but I was also scared of having to go to a new place where I knew absolutely no one. But then I looked at it as a new start. A blank slate where I could say anything about me that I wanted and hide the things about me I wanted to hide. When we got to our new place, I was very hesitant about going to church, especially that first Sunday. Side by side with my wonderful mother-in-law I walked in and sat in RS. That Sunday was the best church experience I had had in a long time. Anyone who came up and talked to me was very nice and didn't ask any personal questions. And it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before I had my first friends.
If it wasn't for this new ward who was so welcoming and kind, I wouldn't still be active in the church. I know that people aren't perfect, but the one thing that our church teaches is to love one another, which is the second great commandment. Sadly, there are some people who still don't get that to be Christ-like we need to love everyone and not judge. It's sometimes easier said than done but that's what being Christian means.
So, moral of the story: if you don't have anything nice to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING! Also, be nice to everyone. You don't know what they are going through.
When I was first married, my husband and I lived in a ward that was made up of people living in apartments. So there were a lot of older people, new families, and newly weds. There were very few children who weren't babies. The majority of the members were older and set in their traditional ways. Many of these people had it set in their mind that once a man and woman were married that they were to start a family immediately. And a lot of the older women believed that they needed to have their noses in the business of the younger women and to give them as much advice as possible on making babies.
My husband and I made a decision while we were engaged that we would wait a few years until we started a family. We prayed about it to make sure that our decision was right. We believe that the Lord is our best Guide through this life and that if we only have faith and ask for it, he will help us and guide us. Both my husband and I have learned many a time the hard way that listening and following the Lord's counsel is best. We both received the answer of "Yes, you need to wait before having children." And we were okay with that.
One Sunday at church before Relief Society, I was talking to a fellow sister who asked me if we had any children. When I answered no, she asked if we were planning on having any soon. When I answered no again, a different older sister, who had been eavesdropping, basically told me that I was going to Hell because I wasn't planning on having children soon. I sat in the back of RS for the rest of the hour using all my will to not burst into tears and then did my best to put on a smile for the kids in Primary during the second hour. And then after the sacrament was past in Sacrament Meeting, I asked if we could leave and my husband took me home where I spent the rest of the day quietly kept to myself. I didn't tell anyone what had happened for a long time. The only thing that anyone knew was going on was that I didn't want to go to church. After a little bit of time, I gave the excuse that I didn't have any friends and didn't feel welcomed at church, which was true but it wasn't the whole truth.
For weeks and weeks I dreaded going to church because I would have to face not only the one woman who voiced her thoughts about my child baring but the other women who "voiced" their thoughts and judgments in the looks they gave me. I was the one who "wasn't following the church" but still had the guts to show up each week. To be honest, the only reason I actually got out of bed and went to church each Sunday was for the kids. I loved teaching them songs, but that was the only thing I liked about church on Sundays. I knew the church was true and I believed the things I had been taught, but the women in that ward were so harsh and judgmental (which is the opposite of what we teach) that I wanted to stop going because I didn't want to have to face that hurt each week.
Luckily (and unfortunately) a couple months after the incident, my husband got a job promotion that moved us to Wyoming. I was relieved that I never had to show my face to nor deal with those women in my ward again, but I was also scared of having to go to a new place where I knew absolutely no one. But then I looked at it as a new start. A blank slate where I could say anything about me that I wanted and hide the things about me I wanted to hide. When we got to our new place, I was very hesitant about going to church, especially that first Sunday. Side by side with my wonderful mother-in-law I walked in and sat in RS. That Sunday was the best church experience I had had in a long time. Anyone who came up and talked to me was very nice and didn't ask any personal questions. And it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before I had my first friends.
If it wasn't for this new ward who was so welcoming and kind, I wouldn't still be active in the church. I know that people aren't perfect, but the one thing that our church teaches is to love one another, which is the second great commandment. Sadly, there are some people who still don't get that to be Christ-like we need to love everyone and not judge. It's sometimes easier said than done but that's what being Christian means.
So, moral of the story: if you don't have anything nice to say, DON'T SAY ANYTHING! Also, be nice to everyone. You don't know what they are going through.
January 6, 2015
Facebook Friends vs Actual Friends
According to Wikipedia, the original purpose of Facebook was to allow college students to get together and talk about their majors online. After a couple of years, Facebook was bought out and offered to the public. Since it has been opened up to anyone 13 years old and up who have an email address, Facebook has changed over and over again and I feel it has lost its initial purpose: to bring people together to connect.
When I joined Facebook, I thought it would be a great way to stay in contact with my family and friends who go to other schools, as well as friends who go to school with me. I am a shy person and opening up is a hard thing for me to do. So I also joined Facebook to help others get to know me, because I am more comfortable writing about myself than I am talking about myself.
Because I am a shy person I don't always do things that I should, which is one of my weaknesses that I am doing my best to overcome. I am also a very caring and loving person. When any of my friends or family are hurt or need me to stand up for them, I do my best to comfort and support them, but hardly ever do I stand up to someone for my friend. I absolutely dread confrontation and it scares me to the marrow of my bones. So if I ever stood up for someone, usually someone else instead of myself, it's because I'm extremely angry and have to release that anger.
I have been working on overcoming my shyness over the past 6 years and I have many people to thank for helping me throughout the years, but standing up for myself still terrifies me and that is because I am a caring person and don't want to hurt anyone. I hate hurting anyone, intentionally or accidentally. I have been hurt many, many times myself and I don't want anyone else to go through what I have been through.
When I got married, I never thought that in the first three years that I would live in three different cities/towns. I knew that my husband's job would move him around as he climbed the ladder, but I thought that climbing up the ladder would take longer and would be a slow ascent. However, the Lord had a different plan for us and I found myself packing up my apartment six months into my marriage and moving to another state. This move to a place I had never been before and knew no one at all. I quickly learned that I definitely needed to break out of my shell and get out of my comfort zone of keeping to myself. I needed to know people and make friends or I was going to crack and have a clinical mental break down.
And so I learned to be more comfortable with approaching people and asking questions to get to know them and to build friendships. I did have some help along the way from other people introducing themselves, introducing other people to me, or my husband introducing people to me, mostly people from work. After time I found it easier and easier for me to make friends and to open up to people. I also found I was talking about myself more without giving a thought.
There was a time last year when all that I saw on Facebook made me question my friends and their morals, standards, and even their intelligence. Some of my friends were posting things that were false, misspelled, grammatically incorrect, as well as gross, unnecessary, damaging, and down-right stupid. A lot of my friends got caught up with what is considered okay today to post online: food, cuts, broken bones, hashtags, etc. And these posts made me rethink the friends that I had made. I thought that I had intelligent friends.
After a few posts from different people posting pictures of their cuts with blood, I kindly asked that my friends stop posting those kinds of pictures because I as well as many other people are squeamish and can't handle the sight of blood. I didn't target anyone in particular. I didn't call out any of my friends in the status. I simply made a request that I felt was reasonable. And one of my friends, or I thought she was my friend, laughed at me and I flipped a switch and started to stand up for myself. Luckily, I had the tact to move our discussion to private messages before it got out of hand and that is when I realized that I needed to re-evaluate my friends and cut out those I felt didn't appreciate my friendship.
I have almost always been loyal to my friends and I expected the same loyalty in return, because friendship is important to me and I do not take it for granted. So I did a huge purge of my friends and only kept family members, close friends, role models, and those who expressed they would like to keep in contact with me. I went from almost 300 friends down to 123, 52% of those being family members. I have since then added a few friends, but I haven't added just anyone. Only those whom I know without a doubt are truly my friend are those who get to see into my personal life and keep up with me and what I'm doing. In other words, I kept my actual friends.
Friends Fight for you, Respect you, Include you, Encourage you, Need you, Deserve you, and Stand by you. I will not take friendship lightly nor for granted and all I ask from my friends is the same thing. Don't take me for granted because I truly love and care about you.
When I joined Facebook, I thought it would be a great way to stay in contact with my family and friends who go to other schools, as well as friends who go to school with me. I am a shy person and opening up is a hard thing for me to do. So I also joined Facebook to help others get to know me, because I am more comfortable writing about myself than I am talking about myself.
Because I am a shy person I don't always do things that I should, which is one of my weaknesses that I am doing my best to overcome. I am also a very caring and loving person. When any of my friends or family are hurt or need me to stand up for them, I do my best to comfort and support them, but hardly ever do I stand up to someone for my friend. I absolutely dread confrontation and it scares me to the marrow of my bones. So if I ever stood up for someone, usually someone else instead of myself, it's because I'm extremely angry and have to release that anger.
I have been working on overcoming my shyness over the past 6 years and I have many people to thank for helping me throughout the years, but standing up for myself still terrifies me and that is because I am a caring person and don't want to hurt anyone. I hate hurting anyone, intentionally or accidentally. I have been hurt many, many times myself and I don't want anyone else to go through what I have been through.
When I got married, I never thought that in the first three years that I would live in three different cities/towns. I knew that my husband's job would move him around as he climbed the ladder, but I thought that climbing up the ladder would take longer and would be a slow ascent. However, the Lord had a different plan for us and I found myself packing up my apartment six months into my marriage and moving to another state. This move to a place I had never been before and knew no one at all. I quickly learned that I definitely needed to break out of my shell and get out of my comfort zone of keeping to myself. I needed to know people and make friends or I was going to crack and have a clinical mental break down.
And so I learned to be more comfortable with approaching people and asking questions to get to know them and to build friendships. I did have some help along the way from other people introducing themselves, introducing other people to me, or my husband introducing people to me, mostly people from work. After time I found it easier and easier for me to make friends and to open up to people. I also found I was talking about myself more without giving a thought.
There was a time last year when all that I saw on Facebook made me question my friends and their morals, standards, and even their intelligence. Some of my friends were posting things that were false, misspelled, grammatically incorrect, as well as gross, unnecessary, damaging, and down-right stupid. A lot of my friends got caught up with what is considered okay today to post online: food, cuts, broken bones, hashtags, etc. And these posts made me rethink the friends that I had made. I thought that I had intelligent friends.
After a few posts from different people posting pictures of their cuts with blood, I kindly asked that my friends stop posting those kinds of pictures because I as well as many other people are squeamish and can't handle the sight of blood. I didn't target anyone in particular. I didn't call out any of my friends in the status. I simply made a request that I felt was reasonable. And one of my friends, or I thought she was my friend, laughed at me and I flipped a switch and started to stand up for myself. Luckily, I had the tact to move our discussion to private messages before it got out of hand and that is when I realized that I needed to re-evaluate my friends and cut out those I felt didn't appreciate my friendship.
I have almost always been loyal to my friends and I expected the same loyalty in return, because friendship is important to me and I do not take it for granted. So I did a huge purge of my friends and only kept family members, close friends, role models, and those who expressed they would like to keep in contact with me. I went from almost 300 friends down to 123, 52% of those being family members. I have since then added a few friends, but I haven't added just anyone. Only those whom I know without a doubt are truly my friend are those who get to see into my personal life and keep up with me and what I'm doing. In other words, I kept my actual friends.
Friends Fight for you, Respect you, Include you, Encourage you, Need you, Deserve you, and Stand by you. I will not take friendship lightly nor for granted and all I ask from my friends is the same thing. Don't take me for granted because I truly love and care about you.
January 1, 2015
Marriage Is Hard
Whoever says that marriage is easy is smoking something. There is nothing more frustrating than living with the one person you love the most because at times they can be the one person you hate the most because of something absolutely stupid.
People are not perfect and there is no easier way of realizing that than to live with someone. When you live with someone else, especially someone new, you learn that your ways are not the only way, and sometimes that isn't a good way. One person might have been raised with loading the dishwasher as you dirty dishes and the other person might have been raised to just leave everything in the sink for someone to do later. One might have the habit of locking the door after every time it is opened and one might have the habit of only locking it when the house is empty and at night before going to bed. Two people who have lived two different lives decide to live together and all of a sudden you learn you have to relearn how to live. You learn to make compromises or to deal with the other's habits and lifestyle.
There is the saying that you only hurt the ones you love. When you are living with the one person you love the most in the world, that is the understatement of the year! But you don't do it intentionally. And some times you don't even know that you have hurt the other. You could have said something that didn't quite come out right or wasn't said with the right tone. You could have left your socks on the floor for the umpteenth time. Or you could say one thing and end up doing something else. When these things happen, there are really three things you can do: 1) Ignore it; 2) Get mad about it; or 3) Talk about it. I highly recommend option 3, otherwise there becomes unnecessary tension between you two and that is never good. Talking about what bothers you and calmly coming up with solutions is always a great solution in any relationship, especially marriage.
One part of being married that is completely out of both of your hands is sleeping. Well, maybe not completely out of your hands. I don't know about most couples but my husband and I always have a battle while sleeping. He is not a still sound sleeper. He likes to spread out or curl up into a big ball (he is 6 feet 4 inches) and knee and elbows me in his sleep. There have been times when I have hit him while rolling over. And usually one of us hogs the blanket. The thing to remember is that you have no control over what you do in your sleep. You can't get mad over what the other does in their sleep. Just forgive and forget.
All relationships need a balance of give and take. If one person is always giving, they are going to get worn out quickly. To make a relationship work, you have to give the other person what they need, but you also have needs. Don't be afraid to ask for time or help or a little pampering. But, also, if you are being asked these things, you need to give whatever the other person needs, even if it is a little bit of alone time.
Speaking of alone time, just because you are married and are spending the rest of your lives together, you are still an individual. Take some time to remind yourself of who you are. I thought that being married meant that I would spend every possible moment with my husband, but I have found that even though that is the case, I do need some time to myself to do some things that I want to do that he doesn't or to just relax. Spending time with my husband is great and I absolutely love it, but sometimes I feel like I am an us. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is tied to what my husband does. Don't be afraid to break away for a little while to rediscover who you really are and don't be afraid to ask for that time to get away.
When you start having kids, your life changes completely. All of a sudden you go from taking care of two people (counting yourself) to taking care of three (or more). But the hardest part about having a child is trying to not put one above the other, especially as a mother. I love my son. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I also love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I put my son before my husband and I do feel bad about it but sometimes it is hard not to (one of the downsides to breastfeeding). Because I am a stay at home mom I get more time with my son than I do my husband and I have gotten into the mindset that my son comes first because he is always with me and he needs me to live. I try, but have a hard time at times, to be with my husband and to give him my attention, love, support, etc. Most days we don't get to do what we really want to do. Most days we don't get a lot of time to talk about us without being interrupted. Some days we bicker and fight over the littlest of things. But some days we get to have time to cuddle. Some days we get to hold hands. Some days we get to talk, even if it's just for a little while. And those days and moments when everything is going well are the days and moments that I treasure. Those moments are the best parts of my day after being spat up on, scratched, hit, and had my hair ripped out (literally). The moment my husband walks through the door after a long day at work is always great because I know that even for a moment, before either of us unloads and becomes busy taking turns with baby, everything is fine and there isn't a care in the world.
Marriage is hard. Add a baby and it's even harder. BUT if you are with the right person, the rest of your life with them will be completely worth it. It's hard work, but hard work brings the best rewards.
People are not perfect and there is no easier way of realizing that than to live with someone. When you live with someone else, especially someone new, you learn that your ways are not the only way, and sometimes that isn't a good way. One person might have been raised with loading the dishwasher as you dirty dishes and the other person might have been raised to just leave everything in the sink for someone to do later. One might have the habit of locking the door after every time it is opened and one might have the habit of only locking it when the house is empty and at night before going to bed. Two people who have lived two different lives decide to live together and all of a sudden you learn you have to relearn how to live. You learn to make compromises or to deal with the other's habits and lifestyle.
There is the saying that you only hurt the ones you love. When you are living with the one person you love the most in the world, that is the understatement of the year! But you don't do it intentionally. And some times you don't even know that you have hurt the other. You could have said something that didn't quite come out right or wasn't said with the right tone. You could have left your socks on the floor for the umpteenth time. Or you could say one thing and end up doing something else. When these things happen, there are really three things you can do: 1) Ignore it; 2) Get mad about it; or 3) Talk about it. I highly recommend option 3, otherwise there becomes unnecessary tension between you two and that is never good. Talking about what bothers you and calmly coming up with solutions is always a great solution in any relationship, especially marriage.
One part of being married that is completely out of both of your hands is sleeping. Well, maybe not completely out of your hands. I don't know about most couples but my husband and I always have a battle while sleeping. He is not a still sound sleeper. He likes to spread out or curl up into a big ball (he is 6 feet 4 inches) and knee and elbows me in his sleep. There have been times when I have hit him while rolling over. And usually one of us hogs the blanket. The thing to remember is that you have no control over what you do in your sleep. You can't get mad over what the other does in their sleep. Just forgive and forget.
All relationships need a balance of give and take. If one person is always giving, they are going to get worn out quickly. To make a relationship work, you have to give the other person what they need, but you also have needs. Don't be afraid to ask for time or help or a little pampering. But, also, if you are being asked these things, you need to give whatever the other person needs, even if it is a little bit of alone time.
Speaking of alone time, just because you are married and are spending the rest of your lives together, you are still an individual. Take some time to remind yourself of who you are. I thought that being married meant that I would spend every possible moment with my husband, but I have found that even though that is the case, I do need some time to myself to do some things that I want to do that he doesn't or to just relax. Spending time with my husband is great and I absolutely love it, but sometimes I feel like I am an us. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is tied to what my husband does. Don't be afraid to break away for a little while to rediscover who you really are and don't be afraid to ask for that time to get away.
When you start having kids, your life changes completely. All of a sudden you go from taking care of two people (counting yourself) to taking care of three (or more). But the hardest part about having a child is trying to not put one above the other, especially as a mother. I love my son. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I also love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I put my son before my husband and I do feel bad about it but sometimes it is hard not to (one of the downsides to breastfeeding). Because I am a stay at home mom I get more time with my son than I do my husband and I have gotten into the mindset that my son comes first because he is always with me and he needs me to live. I try, but have a hard time at times, to be with my husband and to give him my attention, love, support, etc. Most days we don't get to do what we really want to do. Most days we don't get a lot of time to talk about us without being interrupted. Some days we bicker and fight over the littlest of things. But some days we get to have time to cuddle. Some days we get to hold hands. Some days we get to talk, even if it's just for a little while. And those days and moments when everything is going well are the days and moments that I treasure. Those moments are the best parts of my day after being spat up on, scratched, hit, and had my hair ripped out (literally). The moment my husband walks through the door after a long day at work is always great because I know that even for a moment, before either of us unloads and becomes busy taking turns with baby, everything is fine and there isn't a care in the world.
Marriage is hard. Add a baby and it's even harder. BUT if you are with the right person, the rest of your life with them will be completely worth it. It's hard work, but hard work brings the best rewards.
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