Early Morning Thoughts on the Couch

As I'm laying here on the couch early in the morning, yet again, all by myself, I can help but have the following thoughts:

I miss this. 
I miss being able to watch whatever I want whenever I want. 
I miss being able to wake up on my own without any crying or screaming.
I miss being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. 
I miss not worrying about two littles.
I miss not being in so much debt from creating littles that don't even look like me!
I miss being comfortable.
I miss sleeping the morning away.
I miss going to sleep at night and not being woken up by a little hand smacking my face.
I miss not being a mom.

But then I walk down the hall to wake up Squid. As I open the door and see that he's awake, I can't help but crawl into his tiny bed and snuggle with him as he tells me about his dreams and have the following thoughts:

I missed you.
I missed playing with you all day long. 
I missed helping you get food, get dressed, etc.
I missed holding you in my arms.
I missed telling stories with you.
I missed doing puzzles with you.
I missed chasing you around the couch/house just for fun.
I miss your brother Kickboxer.
I missed being a mom. 

Motherhood is so weird. You hate being a mom and being responsible for two littles and can't wait until they are in bed so you can have a minute to yourself. But as soon as you get a moment to yourself, you miss those littles and just want them with you all the time. 

I Don't Want to Go to Church

I want to start by saying that this isn't directed at anyone in particular. It's just something that I've been going through as of late and I can't hold it back any longer. If I offend anyone, that is absolutely not my intention. 

I hate going to church. Absolutely dread it every week. 

It's not that I don't believe, though I have my doubts and issues. I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and in the basic teachings of the church. There are some things that have changed over the years that I don't necessarily agree with and I have issues with them, but those aren't why I hate church. 

It's people. 

Most particularly, people who have been and are being taught to be Christ-like and loving no matter what and yet they aren't. People who don't think before they say something and offend or judge, unknowing to them. People who point out other's faults and become prideful over the fact that they don't have that fault and flaunt it. People who are total hypocrites! (I'm at fault at times here and I admit it.)

I go to church with a lot of older folk who are set in their ways and think that things are done one way or it's done wrong. Who aren't open to the possibility that there is a new way of doing things. Who think that whatever they have to say is more important than whatever is being discussed or taught, whether or not it pertains to the lesson. Their comments usually drive away the Spirit (at least for me) and are sometimes taken as offensive, even when it's not meant to be. Not all of the older folk in my ward are like this. There are some lovely adults who I look up to and love to hear what they have to say, but those people also think before they speak. 

Not saying that only the older folk are guilty of this. Sometimes the younger generations don't think before they speak either. There are times when the younger older adults (aka older than me) are trying to be helpful, but it doesn't come across that way. And there are often times when they will start an argument when there is no place for one. For example, I have mentioned in the past that I hate where I live and a handful of people overheard and took it upon themselves to defend the city and basically tell me that I'm an awful person for even thinking otherwise. I have stopped talking about the town whenever I'm at church and church functions because of that. 

But the worse part of church? The fact that hardly any of the parents take responsibility for their children and do what should be done, especially during sacrament meeting, the most important part of going to church. There just doesn't seem to be any common sense or claim when it comes to being a parent these days. Kids are running around like crazy, talking/screaming when the rest of us are trying to be reverent, sickness spreading like a plague!, and what are the parents doing? Nothing. They are sitting and ignoring their kids so that they can focus on the talk or lesson. They are not taking their child out of the room. They are not taking responsibility for the actions of their child. And they are relying on other adults or their older kids to take care of the younger ones, which makes matters worse. I'm trying to raise my kids to be respectful, decent human beings and it's hard for me to do that when they see every other kid acting out and not being disciplined. 

Then there are the leaders and teachers who don't do their callings (I'm guilty of this too at times, but I try my best). Teachers who aren't ready to teach, who don't seem to care. Leaders who don't know how to teach. Leaders who go say one thing one week and then another another week (or worse, in the same day). Teachers who don't do anything but just read the lesson word for word because that's what they think teaching is or don't care to take the time to plan. Leaders who are socially awkward and know it but don't change anything. If you are supposed to be someone who is supposed to lead, someone who people are supposed to look to, you should act like it. 

Then there are the people who believe that everyone else's business is their business too and they need to step in. Or they "self-appoint" themselves to do a certain role or task. That's not how the church works! If you haven't been asked to do a certain job or calling, DON'T DO IT! You are causing more problems than solving any. The church is organized in a way that works and helps, but when people stick their noses where they shouldn't be, the organization of the church tumbles and people suffer. 

Church should be a refuge from the storm and problems of the world (or something like that). But what happens when going to church leaves you feeling worse than before you went to church that morning (or afternoon)? What happens when going to church, that teaches to "love one another," leaves you feeling hurt and unloved most weeks? What happens when you dread going to church because you know there is a very high chance that you will have to interact with the same person who made an offending comment the week before? What ever happened to "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all"? Did no one else ever see Bambi? What happens when I am told that I am in the wrong when I haven't done anything at all? This is the situation that I am in. I've been in this situation for a while and I've been in it before. I grew up in a ward very similar to my current ward and I hated it then too, but I didn't have a choice then. It just about drove me away. 

So, if I hate it so much, why do I keep going? At first, because it's what I was supposed to do. I was trying to "fake it 'til you make it." But that didn't help and I just hated it more and more as the weeks went on. Now I go because I'm scared of what my family and friends will think if they found out I stopped going. I suffer because I'm afraid of my family's judgment. I suffer in silence (until I get home) every week because I don't know what else to do. 

To end on a good note, there are a handful of people (some of them kids) who I call my friend and I love seeing them during the three hours every week because they make it just a little bit more bearable. But, unfortunately, it's not enough to relieve the pain I suffer. 

Today I Am Grateful

I'm grateful that I have a moment to sit down and write.

After a very frightening call from FATMAN!, I've been thinking a lot about all of the things I have and how grateful I am for everything.

I'd like to share some of those things with you.

I am grateful for my home and its roof that protects my head.

I am grateful for the food that I have and the nutrition it provides.

I'm grateful for my clothes that keep me warm.

I am grateful for my husband and for all that he does for me and my boys.

I am so very grateful for my boys and for the wonderful blessing that I get to be a mom.

I am grateful for my boys's smiles, laughter, and sense of wonderment.

I'm grateful for toys for me, FATMAN!, and the boys.

I'm grateful for a wonderful loving family who are always there for me when I need them.

I'm grateful for great friends to talk to and learn from.

I am grateful for my education and for the resources I have to learn more if I want to.

I am grateful for technology and being able to keep in contact with family and friends who live back home and elsewhere.

I am grateful for my imagination.

I am grateful for my many talents and for the chances I get to share them with others.

I'm grateful for art because it beautifies my home.

I'm grateful for an amazing credit union who has our back and catches problems before they become disastrous.

I'm grateful for books, music, and movies to keep Squid and myself entertained.

I'm grateful for Jamberry.

And as much as I hate it, I am grateful for the snow that has fallen to make the coming summer easier.

There are so many other things that I am grateful for, but if I don't stop now, I may not ever stop. There are so many good things in life. All we have to do is look.

Dear Lady Who Skinny Shamed Me

The other day I was out in public and was stopped by a women who said, "There's something wrong here." I looked around to make sure I had everything and I could see nothing "wrong". After I looked back at her confused, she continued and said, "You shouldn't look that good right after giving birth. It's just not right." She may have meant it as a compliment, but it sure as heck did not come across as one. She was not the first to comment on how well I look but the way that she said it left me feeling sick and frustrated.



Dear lady who skinny shamed me, 

Thank you for noticing me and feeling like you needed to make a comment. However, what you said was a harsh, back-handed compliment and you should have thought about what you said before saying it. 

There is nothing "wrong" with me. So what if I've lost almost all of the baby weight two months after giving birth? What business is it of yours? 

You have no idea what I felt like when I was pregnant. You have no idea how uncomfortable I was in my pregnant body. You have no idea how much I am negative about my appearance, especially during and after pregnancy. 

Did you know that I had no tearing during delivery? Did you know I was given permission by my doctor to start working out as soon as I felt up to it? No, you didn't! Why? Because you didn't ask how I was. You didn't even sign up or offer to help me after I got home from the hospital. In fact, all you have said to me after delivery is that there is "something wrong" with how good I look after delivery. 

About 90% of the weight I gained while pregnant was all baby. I got sick with food poisoning about halfway through my pregnancy and lost a lot of the extra weight I had gained at that point. Then afterwards, I tried to eat healthy and do whatever exercise I could manage to help me not gain too much weight. So after delivery, I didn't have a ton of weight to lose, mostly just loose skin to tighten. After a few weeks, I was finally getting the energy to work out and Kickboxer was on a schedule where I found the time to get in a ten minute work out and start feeling more comfortable in my skin again. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I still have a pouch. I can still see many of my stretch marks. My butt and thighs are bigger than I wish they were. I have love handles. And I still have loose skin. But I am working on it, because I want to feel like me again. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. 

I'm not working out because I am vain. I'm not working out for my husband. I'm working out for me. I want to better myself. And if wanting to better myself and feel comfortable is what's "wrong" with me, you need to reevaluate your life and what you think "right" and "wrong" is. 

So, thank you for noticing me, but no thank you.

Sincerely, 
Sarah

Today Was a Bad Day

Today was a bad day.

Today I almost didn't get out of bed.

Today I yelled at my kids.
Today I was exhausted beyond belief from lack of sleep.

Today I sat on the couch and played on my phone.

Today I didn't want to hold my baby.

Today I had thoughts that I am ashamed of.

Today I didn't care if my toddler threw a fit.

Today I just let my baby scream.

Today I wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed.

Today I felt nothing.

Today I felt anger.

Today I just wanted to scream.
Today I have barely eaten.

Today I didn't want to be a mom.

Today I wanted my old life.

Today I wanted to run away.

Today I hid myself.

Today I didn't care about anything.

Today I cried.

Today my demons got the better of me.

Today was a bad day.

But tomorrow is a new day!

Tomorrow I have the chance to be better than I was today.

Tomorrow can be completely different.

Tomorrow hasn't been stained with negativity yet.

Tomorrow is a clean slate.

Tomorrow is a new chance.

Tomorrow could be a good day.

Tomorrow could be a great day!

Tomorrow I could defeat my demons.

Tomorrow I could be happy.

Tomorrow is a new day.

As you know, I recently gave birth to my second son. And as many of you know, with my first son I got hit with a mild case of postpartum depression when he turned 8 months old. I wish I could say the same thing again, but I'd be lying. This time around it's hit me much earlier and harder. But this time around I have gotten help sooner. I still have my bad days, but I can handle them a little bit easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that if today is a bad day, if yesterday was a bad day, if I've had many bad days in a row, tomorrow is a new day to try again.