To Be an Insomniac

Insomnia is no fun. Having to deal with it all of my life hasn't been fun, especially in high school. Still being an insomniac with a baby is twice as much not fun. 

On average I get about 3-4 hours of sleep on a good night. Most nights I only get 2 hours of sleep. Lately (as in the past two weeks), it has seemed like even less. And (gratefully) I can not blame it on my Little Bug not sleeping through the night because he has been sleeping through the night for most of his short life. 

As long as I can remember, I have not had a good relationship with sleep. And I have a feeling that I will never have a good relationship with sleep. There have been many nights where I got no sleep at all. Yet I have been able to function well enough. 

During a night when I can't sleep, I usually just stay in bed and toss and turn, trying to get comfortable, and think and think and think. I think about problems I have that need fixing and I usually come up with some sort of solution. I think about the good times. I think about the bad times. I play the "What would have happened if..." game. I think about my past and long for those days again. I lie there looking around the room at the shadows. To be honest I sometimes get scared, but then I remember that I'm not alone. 

I don't like being an insomniac. I didn't choose to be an insomniac. I like sleeping and I cherish every night I do actually get some sleep. I have tried everything I can come up with to be able to sleep better. Yes, I am stressed and I do what I can do let it go, but I'm a mother. Yes, sometimes I can't sleep because of pain (I'm very accident prone), but I make do and try my very best to get comfortable. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I there is something wrong mentally. Or maybe it's because I share a bed with a very tall and lanky person who LOVES to curl up into a ball and take up the majority of the space causing his knees to make contact with me many times during the night. (I love you FATMAN!) 

Or maybe I'm just not cut out to sleep. Maybe that's the way I was made. Regardless of why I can't sleep, I am grateful for the few hours I do get and I do my best to be my best and accomplish what I can. I have learned to work with little to no sleep and have grown very much accustomed to it. One day I will be able to sleep. 

This Is What A Woman Wants

...Or at least this is what I want. 

All a woman wants is a guy who will listen and not try to fix things, occasionally. 

The reason why women go to their woman best friend when there is a problem is because that friend will listen and.... Well that's it. And often that is all that is needed. Just a listening ear to hear about all that is troubling at the moment. 

Just because we have problems in our lives doesn't mean we want or need all of them fixed. One problem that men have is that when they hear that something is broken (literally or metaphorically) they instantly feel the need to fix it. Which is fine in some cases, but not in all cases. Emotional problems can't always be fixed. Sometimes they just need to be let out. Guys aren't much of talkers. That is fine. But we women need someone who will just listen and then the problem will be fixed. 

For example, I have an issue with my birthday this year. I won't be able to celebrate it on my actual birthday because my brother has decided to get married on that day. So I'll be spending the anniversary of the day I was born celebrating my brother and his new wife. SIDE NOTE: I am happy that my brother has found someone who will put up with him and makes him happy. I just wish they had picked a different day. That is MY day. Anyway, back to my story. When I found out that information, all I wanted to do was complain and rant about it to someone who would listen. All FATMAN! wanted to do was fix it, but his way of fixing it wasn't exactly helpful. Yes, doing the things that he suggested is probably what I should have done but it's not what I needed. I simply needed someone to just hear me out and not try to help. So I went to by best friend, EEEEEEE!!!, and just let it all out. And because she didn't try to fix it, she just listened, I felt soooo much better afterwards and I am now a little more okay with what's going on. 

Guys, take it from me, listen and feel out the situation before offering up ways to "fix" the issue. If you aren't sure what to do, it's okay to ask "Do you want me to fix this?" or "What can I do to help you?"

Ladies, have patience with the guys. I know it's easier said than done sometimes (I've been there and done that) but it truly does help. Also, be clear about your needs. 

Dear Friend, Your Day Will Come And It Will Be Worth The Wait

This post is to all my friends and family who are waiting for something to happen. 

I have been there. I have waited. I have been disappointed. I have been patient. I have been sad. I have been jealous. I have been impatient. I have had my melt downs. I have even given up at times and then started waiting again. I really have been there, for years even. 

No matter what you are waiting for, be it marriage, a baby, bonus money/tax return, a house, whatever it is, it will come. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. It's possible it may not be this year. But I truly do believe that your day will come when you receive what it is that you have been waiting for. 

I know it's hard, especially when it seems like everyone else is getting what it is that you have been waiting forever for. It doesn't seem fair. In some cases, it doesn't seem right. You are doing all you need and/or supposed to do and yet you aren't being blessed with what you are working so hard for. I've been there. I know how down in the dumps you can feel. I know how much you really want this and are working so hard at it just to have your hopes crushed over and over and over again. 

But that one day when it does finally come.... That is the best day in the world! And it will make all the waiting disappear. You will feel the happiest you have ever felt. You will completely forget all the heartache and disappointment. You will rejoice in the product of all of that waiting. A heavy burden will suddenly be lifted off of your shoulders and you will feel as light as air. And then you will feel anxious. Maybe scared, terrified really. Excited and nervous. And though you have finally gotten what you have been waiting all of this time, you will doubt that you have made the right choice. But if it truly is the right choice, those feelings will pass and go away. 

Getting what you want is not always the best. Being a wife is hard work. Being a mother is hard work. Being a home owner is hard work. Getting a promotion means more responsibility and work. Getting what you want is great (especially big things), but usually it means more work, responsibility, worry, and stress. So keep in mind that everything does come with a price. I'm not saying this to put you off.

Until the day comes when you no longer have to wait, please continue to be the awesome person that you are. Be the wonderful sister, friend, wife, aunt, etc. you are. You are an amazing, beautiful, strong, funny, intelligent person and I appreciate you for all you do for me. I look forward to the day where I can share in your joy. Until then, I love you and wish the best for you. I am always thinking of you and praying for you. 

Are You Four Years Old?

Call me a snob, but I am an educated woman and I know how to speak and write; and yes, I will correct your grammar. It may be silently, but I promise you that I am doing it. 

I look at articles (on- and off-line), text messages, and Facebook posts and I just cringe. Today's society has become so lazy and one way to prove it is by reading anything written by the average person. You will find common words misspelled, punctuation left out, incorrect words used, and/or not even full words and numbers being used as letters and words (thank you text language. NOT!). It is very upsetting to people who actually use the education and knowledge they have received. 

The thing that bothers me the most is status updates and emails sent from phones and tablets with auto-correct and word prediction. More often than not there are "predicted" words used instead of the intended words. More often than not there are many misspelled words because the user has turned off the auto-correct or has typed so many wrong letters that the device doesn't even recognize the intended word to correct to. 

Text messaging is the worse thing to ever be invented right after the language that has been created with it. Text language is the worse. Numbers are not letters and certainly not words. And leaving out letters to shorten words? What is that about? Like "thks" (or "thx"), "u," "r," "nvr," and "tht." By leaving out letters, you just look like a moron who doesn't know how to spell. Some acronyms make sense and are easy to understand, but made up acronyms are awful and should not be used at all. When did "dumbing down" the spelling of words become a thing? Luv? Wuz? Kan? Please take the effort to spell out words all the way. 

Punctuation is a life saver, especially periods. What is the point of all those years of grammar lessons in elementary school if you aren't going to use them? Sentences with periods at the end of them are much easier to read than sentences without periods. Commas are great too. I'm sure you have seen this post before: "'Let's eat, Grandma' vs 'Let's eat Grandma.'" Use punctuation and save a life, probably your own. 

One last thing, leaving whole words out does not save time. It takes anyone who is reading twice as long to figure out what the heck you are trying to say! Put in nouns. Put in adjectives. Put in verbs. But most importantly, PUT IN NOUNS! Especially when you are talking about yourself and you leave out "I" but not "am." It's stupid!

There is a reason why we are sent to school and taught things when we are growing up. We are taught to be the best people we can be. Educated people speak well. Educated people write well. Educated people use their education to sound like they have an education! Unless you are four years old, please use the grammar you have been taught. 

I Am a Terrible, Horrible Mother

I'll admit it: I am a terrible, horrible mother. I am mean. I am lazy. I do what is needed rather than what is wanted, most of the time. I say "no." Here is a list of things that make me terrible and horrible and reasons why I do them:

I let my Squid, who is 6 months old, watch TV, especially while I do dishes or make dinner (or other food) in the kitchen adjacent to the living room. We watch TV and movies together, sometimes with daddy FATMAN! too. In fact, we watch a few hours of TV a day most days. I let Squid watch TV because it calms him and sometimes it is the only thing that will calm and put him to sleep. But we don't just watch anything. I choose educational shows for him to watch. We watch Super Why!, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Busytown Mysteries, and other age appropriate and educational shows. The one show that he did watch that wasn't educational was The New Woody Woodpecker Show, which is just as funny as the original. 

I suck my Squid's brains out. And what I mean by that is I suck out the mucus from his nose. Most mothers dread doing it so much that they end up not doing it and letting their child suffer. I pin Squid down a couple of times a week (daily when he was younger) and suck and suck and suck until I get something out of his nose. I do this, even though the Squid does not like it one bit, because I would rather have my son be uncomfortable and suffer for just a moment rather than uncomfortable and suffer all the time because he can't breathe. 

Sleeping babies make peaceful babies and happy mothers. But I wake up my son. Mostly to stick to the schedule that I have laid out for him, but also so that I can sleep. If the Squid sleeps all day long, he won't sleep during the night, which means I won't be able to sleep. Mothers of newborns are told to sleep when their baby is sleeping, but I have never been able to do that. Sleeping during the day is hard for me. Heck, sleeping at night is hard for me. So I wake up my son to change, feed, and play with him until he is ready for a nap again. The more he is awake during the day, the more he will sleep at night. And the more he sleeps at night, the more I sleep at night and am happier in the morning. 

I have kept electronics such as remotes, phones, laptops, etc. away from my son. I tell him no when he reaches out for one, not that he fully understands right now. I look around everywhere I go and find infants and toddlers playing and fully operating a smart phone or tablet, including my nephews. I don't want my son to be 18 months old and operating my smart phone or the TV without needing my help. We are so reliant on technology that we have forgotten what it is like to play with a simple toy, a stuffed animal, or to even go outside and play. My dad was at a convention recently and saw a 5 year old with her own smart phone. Since when did children need their own phone, let alone a smart phone? I want my son and any other children I have to love and enjoy the simple things in life, including their toys. 

I don't always immediately jump up and rush over to Squid every time he cries. It's not that I don't care. I care terribly about my son. But I don't jump up every time he cries because sometimes he doesn't need me. He whimpers and cries out in his sleep sometimes and if I were to immediately jump out of bed and rush to care for him I would wake him up, which I don't want to do. Sometimes he is crying because he wants more attention. He loves to be held and he gets spoiled whenever we go see grandma and grandpa. I can't hold him all the time because I have a bad back and he would never progress and grow. If I held him all the he definitely would be happier, but he wouldn't learn to sit (which he finally is doing on his own), crawl, or walk. Sometimes I let him cry because I have already done everything and I am frustrated and don't know what else to do. Sometimes babies just need to cry. So, often, I let him cry a couple of times to see if he will calm down on his own. 

Lately, I have been working on teaching the Squid to fall asleep on his own and not in my arms. I love snuggling with my Squid, especially when he is asleep and not wiggling around and trying to scratch my eyes out (okay... not literally), but I don't want him to rely on being held and rocked to fall asleep when he's 10 years old. So, during nap times when he is having issues falling asleep, I will hold and rock him for a little bit, but as soon as he is showing signs of starting to fall asleep, I put him down in his crib or swing. Sometimes, in the middle of the day if he hasn't gone down for his nap and is wide awake, I will put him in his crib just to see if he will calm down and sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it teaches Squid to be a little independent. 

I may be a terrible, horrible mother, but I have reasons behind why I do what I do; the biggest one being I want my child to grow and be his best self.