Dear Bully

Dear bully, 

I'm sorry that you feel threatened by me. 
I am sorry that you blame me for a lot of your problems. 
I'm sorry that you think my life is perfect and yours isn't. (My life is far from ideal let alone perfect.)
I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable coming to me about things I "have done" to you. 
I'm sorry you feel like I don't love you. 

But the fact is this: I don't love you. 
I don't even like you. 
But for the sake of many, I tolerate you and do my best to not cause more problems or hurt. 
When you are nearby, I paint on a smile and pretend that everything is fine. 

The truth: It's not fine. 
You have hurt me!
You have hurt my family!
You have taken too little time to get to know me.
You don't know who I am. 
You don't know my likes and dislikes. 
You just know the protector and defender side of me, which you call bullying and other names. 

I have tried to get to know you.
I have tried to be nice. 
I have come to events to support you and your family. 
I reached out to you when you were going through a hard time, but you turned me away.
I have even begged for your forgiveness for what I have done to you. 
I have forgiven you, even when you haven't apologized.

And yet, you still attack me.
You still call me names.
You still say I'm the reason for your hardship.
You still ignore me.
You still glare at me when we are together. 
You still talk about me behind my back as if I would never find out. 
You post about me on social media, thinking that because we aren't "friends" I won't hear about it. 
You still complain about me to your spouse. 
You still say that I am hurting you, even though I'm not doing anything. 

I'm sorry our relationship has become what it is now. 
I always hoped that we could lean on each other and help each other. 
I hoped that we would become sisters because I never had an older sister to help and guide me. 
I hoped that we would share favorite movies, books, music, clothes, etc. 
I hoped that we would have our kids grow up together and share funny stories later in life.  

But it is not to be.
Because you have hurt me and held onto a pointless, unhealthy grudge.

You probably will never see this.
But if you do, my wish is that you will let your hatred go. 
Let go of the hurt. 
Open up to me.
Be open up to the possibility that I'm not who you think I am in your mind.
I understand you are hurting and struggling. 
Let me help. 

I never meant to hurt you.
I still don't mean to hurt you.
But you have hurt me and continue to do so. 

And so I say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you.

Sincerely,
Me

When a TV Show Speaks to You

Yesterday I was watching one of my new favorite shows on Netflix before my toddler woke up in the morning. The show is "One Day At a Time". It's about a Cuban-American family and their struggles. It's a comedy, but it also talks about serious issues seriously. Season two was recently added and I've been enjoying it just as much as season one. 

Then I watched Season 2 Episode 9 yesterday. 

It's been a long time since an episode of a TV show spoke to me and made me feel like it was talking about me. 

As I have talked about in the past, I have PTS from giving birth. I was put on medication to help. And it did help! Four months (or so) ago, my prescription ran out. And I chose not to renew it. The first month was the worse! I was irritated, felt sick, and emotional over everything all the time. Then my hormones seemed to balance out. 

But I'm still irritated all the time and a lot of days I just want to go back to bed. I don't want to do a lot of things that I used to do. I don't feel like a good mom because I feel like I'm always getting after them and not loving them as much as I should. I get mad at every small inconvenience or "stupid" or "wrong" thing my husband has done (or something he hasn't done that he "should have").  Basically, I feel like I'm more mad and frustrated with everything than happy and enjoying life. 

Season 2 Episode 9 is about PTS and going off medication (so she didn't have to keep it a secret anymore). The irritation, sickness, and lowness that Justina Machado portrayed is so true it hurts. Her character snapped and yelled at her best friend, stood up her boyfriend and his parents, and other things because she had gone off her medication and was reverting back to who she was before the meds and after her military service. 

It was an eye opener to me. Lately I've been wondering why I was so mad at my life and everyone in it. Yes there are those who have done or said something that is worthy of me being mad at, but my kids not getting along or not listening to me shouldn't make me see red every time. After thinking about it all day yesterday and sleeping on it, I think I need to talk to my doctor about going back on my meds. I don't want to be on them all the time, but one line that was said in the episode has stuck with me ever since I watched it: "[It's] something you don't want that you have to have for the rest of [your life]." I think I need help, even though I don't want it. 

I Made a Recipe!

I LOVE to bake! Especially during the holiday season where I can over bake and not have to worry about gaining weight because I just give them away. 😆

Anyway, joking aside, I usually don't experiment when baking. I stick to what the recipe says because I don't like to chance ruining anything. But for some strange reason that I am unaware of, I broke that rule! 😯 AND it worked!!! 

So now I want to share my recipe with you all! Please feel free to try it out for yourself and if you have any additions to add, comment with them below!

Chocolate Orange Cookies

1 Orange Cake Mix
1/3 C Cocoa Powder
Zest from 1 Large Orange
2 Eggs
1/2 C Vegetable Oil
1/2 C Mini Chocolate Chips (I didn't really measure out the chocolate chips so feel free to adjust as you see fit)

Instructions
-Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
-Sift together orange cake mix and cocoa powder together into a large bowl. 
-Add the orange zest.
-In a small bowl, crack your eggs and add vegetable oil. (I always crack eggs into a separate bowl in case I get egg shells in with my yolk, which happens a lot. Feel free to add eggs and oil into the large bowl if you are confident enough.) Add eggs and oil to large bowl. 
-Stir together until well combined. 
-Fold in mini chocolate chips
-Using a small cookie scoop (I use one that's about 1 1/2 TBSP big) drop dough onto cookie sheet about an inch apart.
-Bake cookies for about 5-8 minutes.
-Cool cookies on pan for 2-3 minutes and then remove to a cooling rack. 

ENJOY!!! 
Merry Christmas!

Who Rescued Who?

I know I haven't posted anything in a long time and that's because I don't have time to write.
I have a lot of different posts coming, it's just a matter of finding the time. 
Luckily, this morning I have some. 

A little over a month ago, my family and I adopted an elderly chihuahua.
She used to belong to an elderly woman. 
When this woman was put into a nursing home, Lucy was abandoned. 
She was later found by a great organization near me. 
I met Lucy in July at our local Petco and immediately fell in love with her. 
So I started saving so I could adopt her. 
My hope was that she would serve as a companion to me since FATMAN! works all day long and I still struggle with PTSD. 

In October, on my anniversary, Lucy became ours!
She has been an absolute blessing!
Every time I start having any kind of trouble, she comes over and lays next to me. 
If I don't immediately show her some attention, she forces herself onto my lap. 
Not only has she been a great companion and emotional support, the spirit she brings is calming as well. 
She's older so she mostly sleeps during the day, but she's always tentative and aware.

And the boys love her too. 

Every day I wonder what I did to be so blessed to have such an amazing spirit come and rescue me. 

To be Kind

I know people aren't perfect. 

I know people aren't perfect.

I know people are not perfect!!!

Do you understand that? Do you get it?

If not, please tell me how I can make you understand that I know people aren't perfect.

I am not perfect and I don't expect others to be perfect. 

I don't expect others to be perfect. 

I do not expect others to be perfect!

However, I do expect them to be KIND. 

The main reason why I don't like going to church is because people aren't KIND and loving.

In the Mormon church, we are taught from a very early age that we should be like Jesus. 

More specifically, we are taught to be kind to and love and accept everyone. 

So, why is it that some people who attend the Mormon church with feel like it is appropriate and okay to go up to someone and say mean, hurtful, and/or rude things about them to their face?

Or to speak up just loud enough for someone to hear when they are talking about that person behind their back?

Or to gossip about anyone at all, especially in the church to fellow church members about other church members?

Kindness is not earned. 

Kindness is expected of all of us. 

We should always be kind because you never know what the person you are talking to or about is going through. 

You don't know their battles, secret thoughts, struggles, etc. 

One mean comment could send them into a depression so deep they could end it all. 

One mean comment could be just the right trigger for suicide. 

One mean comment could be the last thing you say to that person because you just drove them away. 

I know we live in a world full of terror and awfulness. 

But we can change this world for the better with just being kind. 

Do one kind thing. 

Say one kind thing. 

Send a loving message to that one person you've been thinking about. 

All it takes is 30 seconds. 

And always remember: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." (Bambi)

I don't expect anyone to be perfect. 

I do expect people to be kind, especially those who call themselves Christians.

You do not need to be perfect to be kind.