I'm going to warn all readers now that this is a rant. I'm also going to be talking about some things that are hard to talk about and it is not my intention to insult, hurt, or burden.
I am currently pregnant, due with my third boy in December. I don't like attention, especially when I'm pregnant, but somehow I am yet the blinding beacon wherever I go and all anyone can talk with me about is my pregnancy.
And I HATE IT!
There is so much more to me than motherhood and pregnancy. If there wasn't then I don't know how I ever made friends or met and married FATMAN before becoming a mother. I wish people would just stop seeing me as "pregnant" or "mother".
Especially since people seem to think they can just say and do whatever they want without thinking about the hurt they may cause. There are many trials that pregnant women go through without anyone else's input or comments. (Then again we women in general go through so much without anyone else's input or comments, but that's a different post.) I've been holding in my anger, hurt, and frustration for far too long.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I yearned for a girl. Not because I'm already out numbered or because I want to do all the girly things (God knows I'm not that kind of female). I wanted a girl because I wanted something different. That's all. Just something a little different. So when I saw that baby #3 is a boy, yes, I was devastated and heartbroken, because I had let my hopes up. Later that same day, when I announced the gender, I can't tell you how many times people commented with "He will be just as loved." OF COURSE HE WILL BE LOVED! It's not like I'm going to give him away or get rid of him just because he's a boy! I prayed and prayed and prayed for this child for a year! A YEAR! My other two pregnancies happened so fast that I was starting to get scared that I wouldn't be able to have any more of my own. And that fear became even more so after I miscarried. So yes, he will be loved, but there was no need to say that. That comment (which I still get today) has hurt the most.
The other comment that has hurt more than others is "You can always try again" or "Your next one will be a girl." People hear me out hear me now: IF I get pregnant again is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! My sex life is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Where your business and pregnancy are a common concern is with your own body. Stop meddling where you aren't to be meddling. Do you know how much heartache I went through month after month with each test? When you try for something and things don't go "according to plan," you get sad. When things don't go "according to plan" time and time again, you get depressed, angry, scared, anxious, worried, and, most of all, hurt. My heart broke each month when I was "late" and the test came back negative. I can not go through that heartache again. But me getting pregnant is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! So stay out of it!
"At least you're all set on clothes." No, actually. I'm not. For two main reasons. When we moved from Wyoming to Utah, we got rid of a lot of unnecessary items, including most baby items and clothes. We didn't need them at the time so we donated or sold what we weren't using to make room in the truck and to make more room in our new home. A lot of baby items are not collapsible and take up a lot of space that can be used more wisely, including boxes of baby clothes. Also, my other sons are summer babies. This one is going to be a winter baby. Even if I did still have all of those clothes, they would be the wrong kind. Too cold in the winter and too warm in the summer.
There have also been so many comments on how tiny I am. Some of them have been made in awe, some in jealousy, but most in unbelief and almost concern. Yes, I have been able to stay fit and not put on as much weight (so far) in this pregnancy. I was in a musical this summer, starting rehearsals right after I got the positive tests. I was dancing, walking, and working out all summer (with caution). Even with my first pregnancy, I ballooned and looked pregnant from early on and put on a lot of weight. I am so happy and proud that I have been able to keep my weight gain under control this time around and that I am small. BUT what so many don't understand is that because I haven't put on as much weight this time around, I have other physical issues. My body hurts even more this pregnancy, because my belly is all baby and my belly is heavy. My belly pulls in all directions and hurts my ribs, hips, and back. It feels like I'm carrying around a 20 lb medicine ball all day, every day. I move slower and slower every day, it's hard to get up off the couch or a chair or out of bed, and I have the worse case of acid reflux. I had heart burn with my other two boys, but this is so much worse and it will only get worse until after the baby comes.
And while we are talking about physical things, DO NOT TOUCH A PREGNANT BELLY! If you didn't put it there, you do not touch. Don't even ask. Don't even think about it. Just. Don't. It's awkward enough that we have to carry around this big heavy belly, don't make it more awkward by touching.
Honestly, there is so much more I want to talk about but I feel like I'd get nowhere. Please keep all comments to yourself, even if they are well intended. You have no idea how your comment may come across because you don't know the whole story.
One last topic. Pregnancy is a very touchy subject because so many women struggle. I am guilty of saying some thoughtless comments myself and I can't take them back. Before saying anything to anyone about pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, fertility, etc., please stop and don't say it. Better to be a silent supporter or comforter, than one more person who said something without thinking. Every pregnancy is different. Every miscarriage is different. Every story is different. Don't assume that you know the right thing to say.
September 26, 2019
May 10, 2019
Miracle Upon Miracle
I want to share a couple of stories, but I'm not exactly sure how to. And I'm not sure why. And I'm definitely shaking and crying as I do so.
A month or so ago, I was driving home from my parents' house with my two boys. My husband was out with his siblings in an area that might have spotty cell phone service. I was 2 maybe 3 miles into my drive home, stopped at a red light when BAM! I was rear-ended. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It took me a few seconds to even realize that I was the one who got hit. Even in my stupor of thought, I calmly turned on my hazard lights, pulled over to the curb, and got out to check out the damage. There was some scratched paint from the license plate holder of the guy who hit me. I took a deep breath and went to said guy and was able to calmly talk with him and get his info. He was apologizing every other sentence and kept saying it was his fault (which it was) and insisted that he pay for the damage. I did my best that it was only a few scratches and that we would most likely not press any charges. After getting his info (and telling him again that we wouldn't press charges), I got back into my car. I looked back at my boys. Kickboxer was asleep (which is normal for him in the car). Squid said his head hurt a little, but that he was going to be okay. Then I called FATMAN and I fell apart. I told him what had happened, that there wasn't any damage, and that I was mostly just shocked that it happened at all. But after talking to FATMAN I was able to calm down and make it the rest of the way home safely.
Now, that may not seem like a miracle or anything special, but I say it is because of two things. When I was getting the boys into their car seats, I triple made sure that Kickboxer's straps were properly tight, even though it was hard because the straps kept getting caught under the cushions. I did that because I was prompted to. The guy who rear-ended me lives in Jackson Hole, WY. IF for any reason we did file a claim and IF for some reason his phone had been turned off, I had his address (verified from his ID) and knew exactly where it was, because I had lived in Jackson Hole for a couple of years. Those may be small, insignificant things, but to me, it made the whole event one big miracle.
Today the boys and I joined FATMAN and his parents for lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. But we didn't go to the same location as we normally do and had to drive for a little bit. On the way home to my in laws' house, I got stuck behind a slower than the speed limit truck. I looked in all my mirrors and over my shoulder and saw an empty space in the lane over, put my blinker on for a few seconds, checked over my shoulder again, and merged. It was clear! I swear that it was clear. I shifted lanes and there was another car right next to me getting closer to me. I realized at the last second that I had made a mistake and corrected. I don't know if I over-corrected one way or the other, but I lost control. My steering wheel kept turning back and forth, causing my car to swerve back and forth. I started to panic and try to take control back again. I did everything I could remember from driver's ed. And then I pushed a little too hard on the brakes and spun. I did a complete 180 and stopped, facing oncoming highway traffic. I thought my life and my sons' lives were over.
It is a HUGE miracle that I am here telling this story. It is a HUGE miracle that everyone around me saw me losing control and got out of the way, including the two cars right behind me that very quickly became right in front of me. They stopped with just enough room for me to turn around and get off the road into the median, out of the way of everyone. It is a HUGE miracle that NO ONE got hurt and NO ONE got hit.It is a miracle that there wasn't a drop off nor a ditch on that particular side of the highway. It is an even bigger miracle that I was the first to leave from lunch, because I was able to call my husband (who was in his work car) and tell him to pull over and stop when he got to me. My in laws saw me on the side of the road and also called my husband to have him stop and that they were going to turn around to come help if needed. I was a mess. I was shaking uncontrollably and bawling so hard I could barely see. When I saw my husband pulling up behind me, I slowly got out of the car and quickly, but cautiously, walked to him because I knew he would help. I didn't know how he could possibly help (because he had his own car to drive), but I knew he would.
I don't know how long I was on the side of the road. I don't know how long FATMAN just held me and told me that I did the right thing. Luckily, I was two exits, one and a half miles, away from a junction that would take me home a slower way. I was terrified to keep driving, especially on the highway, but I knew that I had to. After doing a full double check of my car and after FATMAN checked in on the boys for a second time, both of us got back into our cars and waited for an opening in traffic. I think the only thing that got me home was knowing that my husband was right behind me if I needed help again. (That and the fact that I was off the super fast highway and going slower.) I was terrified, but I did it anyway.
Over 3 hours after getting to my in laws' house, I had to drive home to my house. It was just 5 exits on the highway. I was terrified, but I had to do it because there was no one else who would do it for me. After stopping for dinner shortly after leaving my in laws', it was time to get on the highway and brave the drive. I stayed in my lane (the right lane, except for exit only lanes) the entire time and stayed at or below speed limit. FATMAN was behind me in his car. After the first exit, I started to panic. I started to hyperventilate. But something came over me and I started saying to myself, "You can do this. You've got this. You have made this drive before and nothing has happened. FATMAN is right behind you if you need help or decide to exit early and take the long way home," over and over until my exit came. I looked 5 times before I got into the exit lane. I looked 6 times while shifting lanes to get to the light that would take me home.
I'm only here today, writing this story because someone was watching out for me and helping me in unimaginable ways.
It is safe to say that I am terrified of driving on highways right now. It is safe to say that for the next little while I will not be driving if I don't have to. But I know that one day, I will have to drive the highway again and I won't have any other option. And I will do it while scared, but I will do it. And I will be whole again, someday.
Please, double and triple check while driving and don't get distracted by anything.
A month or so ago, I was driving home from my parents' house with my two boys. My husband was out with his siblings in an area that might have spotty cell phone service. I was 2 maybe 3 miles into my drive home, stopped at a red light when BAM! I was rear-ended. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It took me a few seconds to even realize that I was the one who got hit. Even in my stupor of thought, I calmly turned on my hazard lights, pulled over to the curb, and got out to check out the damage. There was some scratched paint from the license plate holder of the guy who hit me. I took a deep breath and went to said guy and was able to calmly talk with him and get his info. He was apologizing every other sentence and kept saying it was his fault (which it was) and insisted that he pay for the damage. I did my best that it was only a few scratches and that we would most likely not press any charges. After getting his info (and telling him again that we wouldn't press charges), I got back into my car. I looked back at my boys. Kickboxer was asleep (which is normal for him in the car). Squid said his head hurt a little, but that he was going to be okay. Then I called FATMAN and I fell apart. I told him what had happened, that there wasn't any damage, and that I was mostly just shocked that it happened at all. But after talking to FATMAN I was able to calm down and make it the rest of the way home safely.
Now, that may not seem like a miracle or anything special, but I say it is because of two things. When I was getting the boys into their car seats, I triple made sure that Kickboxer's straps were properly tight, even though it was hard because the straps kept getting caught under the cushions. I did that because I was prompted to. The guy who rear-ended me lives in Jackson Hole, WY. IF for any reason we did file a claim and IF for some reason his phone had been turned off, I had his address (verified from his ID) and knew exactly where it was, because I had lived in Jackson Hole for a couple of years. Those may be small, insignificant things, but to me, it made the whole event one big miracle.
Today the boys and I joined FATMAN and his parents for lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. But we didn't go to the same location as we normally do and had to drive for a little bit. On the way home to my in laws' house, I got stuck behind a slower than the speed limit truck. I looked in all my mirrors and over my shoulder and saw an empty space in the lane over, put my blinker on for a few seconds, checked over my shoulder again, and merged. It was clear! I swear that it was clear. I shifted lanes and there was another car right next to me getting closer to me. I realized at the last second that I had made a mistake and corrected. I don't know if I over-corrected one way or the other, but I lost control. My steering wheel kept turning back and forth, causing my car to swerve back and forth. I started to panic and try to take control back again. I did everything I could remember from driver's ed. And then I pushed a little too hard on the brakes and spun. I did a complete 180 and stopped, facing oncoming highway traffic. I thought my life and my sons' lives were over.
It is a HUGE miracle that I am here telling this story. It is a HUGE miracle that everyone around me saw me losing control and got out of the way, including the two cars right behind me that very quickly became right in front of me. They stopped with just enough room for me to turn around and get off the road into the median, out of the way of everyone. It is a HUGE miracle that NO ONE got hurt and NO ONE got hit.It is a miracle that there wasn't a drop off nor a ditch on that particular side of the highway. It is an even bigger miracle that I was the first to leave from lunch, because I was able to call my husband (who was in his work car) and tell him to pull over and stop when he got to me. My in laws saw me on the side of the road and also called my husband to have him stop and that they were going to turn around to come help if needed. I was a mess. I was shaking uncontrollably and bawling so hard I could barely see. When I saw my husband pulling up behind me, I slowly got out of the car and quickly, but cautiously, walked to him because I knew he would help. I didn't know how he could possibly help (because he had his own car to drive), but I knew he would.
I don't know how long I was on the side of the road. I don't know how long FATMAN just held me and told me that I did the right thing. Luckily, I was two exits, one and a half miles, away from a junction that would take me home a slower way. I was terrified to keep driving, especially on the highway, but I knew that I had to. After doing a full double check of my car and after FATMAN checked in on the boys for a second time, both of us got back into our cars and waited for an opening in traffic. I think the only thing that got me home was knowing that my husband was right behind me if I needed help again. (That and the fact that I was off the super fast highway and going slower.) I was terrified, but I did it anyway.
Over 3 hours after getting to my in laws' house, I had to drive home to my house. It was just 5 exits on the highway. I was terrified, but I had to do it because there was no one else who would do it for me. After stopping for dinner shortly after leaving my in laws', it was time to get on the highway and brave the drive. I stayed in my lane (the right lane, except for exit only lanes) the entire time and stayed at or below speed limit. FATMAN was behind me in his car. After the first exit, I started to panic. I started to hyperventilate. But something came over me and I started saying to myself, "You can do this. You've got this. You have made this drive before and nothing has happened. FATMAN is right behind you if you need help or decide to exit early and take the long way home," over and over until my exit came. I looked 5 times before I got into the exit lane. I looked 6 times while shifting lanes to get to the light that would take me home.
I'm only here today, writing this story because someone was watching out for me and helping me in unimaginable ways.
It is safe to say that I am terrified of driving on highways right now. It is safe to say that for the next little while I will not be driving if I don't have to. But I know that one day, I will have to drive the highway again and I won't have any other option. And I will do it while scared, but I will do it. And I will be whole again, someday.
Please, double and triple check while driving and don't get distracted by anything.
February 25, 2019
Dear Bully
Dear bully,
I'm sorry that you feel threatened by me.
I am sorry that you blame me for a lot of your problems.
I'm sorry that you think my life is perfect and yours isn't. (My life is far from ideal let alone perfect.)
I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable coming to me about things I "have done" to you.
I'm sorry you feel like I don't love you.
But the fact is this: I don't love you.
I don't even like you.
But for the sake of many, I tolerate you and do my best to not cause more problems or hurt.
When you are nearby, I paint on a smile and pretend that everything is fine.
The truth: It's not fine.
You have hurt me!
You have hurt my family!
You have taken too little time to get to know me.
You don't know who I am.
You don't know my likes and dislikes.
You just know the protector and defender side of me, which you call bullying and other names.
I have tried to get to know you.
I have tried to be nice.
I have come to events to support you and your family.
I reached out to you when you were going through a hard time, but you turned me away.
I have even begged for your forgiveness for what I have done to you.
I have forgiven you, even when you haven't apologized.
And yet, you still attack me.
You still call me names.
You still say I'm the reason for your hardship.
You still ignore me.
You still glare at me when we are together.
You still talk about me behind my back as if I would never find out.
You post about me on social media, thinking that because we aren't "friends" I won't hear about it.
You still complain about me to your spouse.
You still say that I am hurting you, even though I'm not doing anything.
I'm sorry our relationship has become what it is now.
I always hoped that we could lean on each other and help each other.
I hoped that we would become sisters because I never had an older sister to help and guide me.
I hoped that we would share favorite movies, books, music, clothes, etc.
I hoped that we would have our kids grow up together and share funny stories later in life.
But it is not to be.
Because you have hurt me and held onto a pointless, unhealthy grudge.
You probably will never see this.
But if you do, my wish is that you will let your hatred go.
Let go of the hurt.
Open up to me.
Be open up to the possibility that I'm not who you think I am in your mind.
I understand you are hurting and struggling.
Let me help.
I never meant to hurt you.
I still don't mean to hurt you.
But you have hurt me and continue to do so.
And so I say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm sorry that you feel threatened by me.
I am sorry that you blame me for a lot of your problems.
I'm sorry that you think my life is perfect and yours isn't. (My life is far from ideal let alone perfect.)
I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable coming to me about things I "have done" to you.
I'm sorry you feel like I don't love you.
But the fact is this: I don't love you.
I don't even like you.
But for the sake of many, I tolerate you and do my best to not cause more problems or hurt.
When you are nearby, I paint on a smile and pretend that everything is fine.
The truth: It's not fine.
You have hurt me!
You have hurt my family!
You have taken too little time to get to know me.
You don't know who I am.
You don't know my likes and dislikes.
You just know the protector and defender side of me, which you call bullying and other names.
I have tried to get to know you.
I have tried to be nice.
I have come to events to support you and your family.
I reached out to you when you were going through a hard time, but you turned me away.
I have even begged for your forgiveness for what I have done to you.
I have forgiven you, even when you haven't apologized.
And yet, you still attack me.
You still call me names.
You still say I'm the reason for your hardship.
You still ignore me.
You still glare at me when we are together.
You still talk about me behind my back as if I would never find out.
You post about me on social media, thinking that because we aren't "friends" I won't hear about it.
You still complain about me to your spouse.
You still say that I am hurting you, even though I'm not doing anything.
I'm sorry our relationship has become what it is now.
I always hoped that we could lean on each other and help each other.
I hoped that we would become sisters because I never had an older sister to help and guide me.
I hoped that we would share favorite movies, books, music, clothes, etc.
I hoped that we would have our kids grow up together and share funny stories later in life.
But it is not to be.
Because you have hurt me and held onto a pointless, unhealthy grudge.
You probably will never see this.
But if you do, my wish is that you will let your hatred go.
Let go of the hurt.
Open up to me.
Be open up to the possibility that I'm not who you think I am in your mind.
I understand you are hurting and struggling.
Let me help.
I never meant to hurt you.
I still don't mean to hurt you.
But you have hurt me and continue to do so.
And so I say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you.
Sincerely,
Me
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