I Don't Want to Go to Church

I want to start by saying that this isn't directed at anyone in particular. It's just something that I've been going through as of late and I can't hold it back any longer. If I offend anyone, that is absolutely not my intention. 

I hate going to church. Absolutely dread it every week. 

It's not that I don't believe, though I have my doubts and issues. I do believe in God and Jesus Christ and in the basic teachings of the church. There are some things that have changed over the years that I don't necessarily agree with and I have issues with them, but those aren't why I hate church. 

It's people. 

Most particularly, people who have been and are being taught to be Christ-like and loving no matter what and yet they aren't. People who don't think before they say something and offend or judge, unknowing to them. People who point out other's faults and become prideful over the fact that they don't have that fault and flaunt it. People who are total hypocrites! (I'm at fault at times here and I admit it.)

I go to church with a lot of older folk who are set in their ways and think that things are done one way or it's done wrong. Who aren't open to the possibility that there is a new way of doing things. Who think that whatever they have to say is more important than whatever is being discussed or taught, whether or not it pertains to the lesson. Their comments usually drive away the Spirit (at least for me) and are sometimes taken as offensive, even when it's not meant to be. Not all of the older folk in my ward are like this. There are some lovely adults who I look up to and love to hear what they have to say, but those people also think before they speak. 

Not saying that only the older folk are guilty of this. Sometimes the younger generations don't think before they speak either. There are times when the younger older adults (aka older than me) are trying to be helpful, but it doesn't come across that way. And there are often times when they will start an argument when there is no place for one. For example, I have mentioned in the past that I hate where I live and a handful of people overheard and took it upon themselves to defend the city and basically tell me that I'm an awful person for even thinking otherwise. I have stopped talking about the town whenever I'm at church and church functions because of that. 

But the worse part of church? The fact that hardly any of the parents take responsibility for their children and do what should be done, especially during sacrament meeting, the most important part of going to church. There just doesn't seem to be any common sense or claim when it comes to being a parent these days. Kids are running around like crazy, talking/screaming when the rest of us are trying to be reverent, sickness spreading like a plague!, and what are the parents doing? Nothing. They are sitting and ignoring their kids so that they can focus on the talk or lesson. They are not taking their child out of the room. They are not taking responsibility for the actions of their child. And they are relying on other adults or their older kids to take care of the younger ones, which makes matters worse. I'm trying to raise my kids to be respectful, decent human beings and it's hard for me to do that when they see every other kid acting out and not being disciplined. 

Then there are the leaders and teachers who don't do their callings (I'm guilty of this too at times, but I try my best). Teachers who aren't ready to teach, who don't seem to care. Leaders who don't know how to teach. Leaders who go say one thing one week and then another another week (or worse, in the same day). Teachers who don't do anything but just read the lesson word for word because that's what they think teaching is or don't care to take the time to plan. Leaders who are socially awkward and know it but don't change anything. If you are supposed to be someone who is supposed to lead, someone who people are supposed to look to, you should act like it. 

Then there are the people who believe that everyone else's business is their business too and they need to step in. Or they "self-appoint" themselves to do a certain role or task. That's not how the church works! If you haven't been asked to do a certain job or calling, DON'T DO IT! You are causing more problems than solving any. The church is organized in a way that works and helps, but when people stick their noses where they shouldn't be, the organization of the church tumbles and people suffer. 

Church should be a refuge from the storm and problems of the world (or something like that). But what happens when going to church leaves you feeling worse than before you went to church that morning (or afternoon)? What happens when going to church, that teaches to "love one another," leaves you feeling hurt and unloved most weeks? What happens when you dread going to church because you know there is a very high chance that you will have to interact with the same person who made an offending comment the week before? What ever happened to "If you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say nothing at all"? Did no one else ever see Bambi? What happens when I am told that I am in the wrong when I haven't done anything at all? This is the situation that I am in. I've been in this situation for a while and I've been in it before. I grew up in a ward very similar to my current ward and I hated it then too, but I didn't have a choice then. It just about drove me away. 

So, if I hate it so much, why do I keep going? At first, because it's what I was supposed to do. I was trying to "fake it 'til you make it." But that didn't help and I just hated it more and more as the weeks went on. Now I go because I'm scared of what my family and friends will think if they found out I stopped going. I suffer because I'm afraid of my family's judgment. I suffer in silence (until I get home) every week because I don't know what else to do. 

To end on a good note, there are a handful of people (some of them kids) who I call my friend and I love seeing them during the three hours every week because they make it just a little bit more bearable. But, unfortunately, it's not enough to relieve the pain I suffer.