This post has taken me all month to write so that I get it just right. I still don't think it's perfect, but I hope it gives you a look into who I am.
I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and who I am. I've also been thinking about why I am who I am. Why I have become so hard and mean and judgmental. And I think I have come to an answer after pondering for many days, weeks, and months.
I grew up surrounded by high expectations and, sometimes harsh, judgment. If you didn't live up to the expectations, you were a huge disappointment and something should be done about it. If you didn't fit in with everyone else, you were a freak and should be out-casted. If you didn't believe exactly what everyone else believed, you were blasphemous and shouldn't be allowed in the group. If you looked different (hair, dress, piercings, tattoos, etc.), you were a bad influence and should be locked up. If you made a mistake, even just one tiny mistake, you were stupid and should go sit in the corner with a coloring book. It was hard living with these people! Especially when these people were my leaders who were supposed to set an example for me. Guess what examples I saw and learned from?!
Living in this world is difficult and if you let it, the world will make you cruel, hard, and stupid. I have seen it happen right before my very eyes. I've seen it in the news. I've seen it on the streets. I've seen it right in front of me in the mirror. It's hard having an opinion that is different from what everyone else's opinion is. It's difficult to want to share your insights and opinions because you know that someone will stand up and say, "YOU'RE WRONG!" "YOU'RE A HATER!" "YOU'RE STUPID!" or "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT, YOU %^$&#?!" What's harder is when those sayings come from the people who you trusted, loved, and looked up to the most.
Respect is one thing that was carved into me growing up and it's one thing that I don't take lightly. In the past when I was disrespected, I usually would just take it quietly and then walk away, usually crying. But after years and years of taking it and then being told I was going to Hell for a personal choice, I made the decision that I was not going to stand by and be disrespected anymore. I was going to start opening my mouth and defend myself. I may come across as mean or maybe even prideful, but the person disrespecting me is meaner and downright rude. There is no reason to disrespect someone, especially a stranger. I try my best every day to not disrespect anyone anywhere. I try my best to keep to myself and be as kind as possible.
People in today's society are rude to anyone and everyone they run into (literally and figuratively). If you go so far as to look at someone, you had better be prepared for a talking to full of colorful language. When did our society become so self centered? Oh wait.... Has it ever not been self centered? I think not. I just think that people are more careless about hurting other people's feelings so they will just say whatever is on their mind and then just walk away without a second thought. I have been insulted by so many strangers that some days I don't get out of the house if I don't have to just to not put myself in a situation like that. I don't like having my feelings hurt. I don't know of anyone who likes having their feelings hurt. And because I don't like my feelings hurt, I also don't like hurting other people. So I do my best every day, everywhere I go to not hurt anyone else's feelings. In fact, I try to brighten their day if I can!
I have been told that I am one of the nicest, sweetest people in the world and I take that to heart and do my best to live up to that standard that I unconsciously created for myself. But I am human! I am not a god. I am not a super hero. I am from the planet Earth. I promise you that I make mistakes. I have made mistakes in the past. I will make mistakes in the future. Heck, I have and will make mistakes today. I slip up. When I feel hurt, I can't always push it away and move on. Sometimes I slip and take it out on someone else. When this happens, I feel bad about it afterwards. I may not always say sorry, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. I am too caring not to feel bad.
Everyday I am faced with many chances to either lash out or be kind. Sometimes I am easily hurt and sometimes I can take a few hits before I'm down. Sometimes I am strong and can look pass the hurtful moves. Sometimes I give in to the anger inside me and I end up hurting others. No matter what happens, everyday I do my best to be my best. But being my best doesn't always happen. And when I am not my best, when I hurt someone, I regret it. I honestly regret when I hurt anyone, intentionally or not. It hurts me, because I don't like being hurt. And that is why I really do try my best every day to be the best that I can be.
